I am feeling anxious about my lack of faith in religion. I hang my head when I perceive the horror in the eyes of Sunday school teaching, bible offering, tie wearing, God fearing individuals whose scorn for atheists engender my self doubt. Therefore, and not only for that, I have been soul searching… Can I be a good person if I am agnostic?  How can someone without the requisite faith be useful in a world of religiosity?  In a world where your job and your faith describe you in a nutshell, how can I describe myself?

I certainly aspire to many Christian values … respect, humility, loyalty, peace, etc.  I want to pass on to my children a sense of community, of unequivocal purpose in this world and I wonder if Christianity will provide me the golden key.

I stopped at several places of worship: the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah´s Witnesses; Catholic, Unitarian, Presbyterian, Born Again Christians, and Baptist churches... I even went to a Pentecostal mega church at a theater where Aussies in tailored suits sang live music and raised their palms while lowering their eyes. But like U2 said, I still haven´t found what I´m looking for.  Throughout each service I kept awaiting the awakening, but all I felt was a flurry of questions and in some cases I was overwhelmed by my doubt and sheer aggravation at the lack of doubt in everyone else´s eyes.

I then looked outside the churches.  I mean sure my friends are religious, but there’s a world full of religious people, a lot of famous people are religious, I wondered if maybe their faith brought them farther and lent them wisdom… Youngsters like Justin Bieber and Katy Perry for instance were not shy about their beliefs.

Justin Bieber said God had blessed him with his voice… he also said, as if he himself had discovered this nugget of wisdom,  "God loved the world so much he gave up his own son, right?" "Imagine, like, someone killing your son. Like a bunch of your people”.  Much as I do not want to disrespect him, his mama or his religion, I personally, was not moved.

Katy Perry said, "I have always been the kid who's asked 'Why?' In my faith, you're just supposed to have faith. But I was always like...why?"  Why Katy?  Why?

Mario Lopez made a funny to people magazine “If I miss Mass, I feel guilty. I missed Mass this past weekend because of traveling. But there was a nun on the plane, so I felt better.”  Mario, I thought, there is wisdom in your jest.  We do what we need to do in order to feel comforted, and maybe religion is no more than that.  Mass is everyone’s nun on a plane.

Then I realized that it was pretty silly of me to be looking at stars for their theocracy. They didn’t sign up to be poster children for religion; it’s a lot to put on them, heck why should they be role models?  If I am going to look to leaders maybe I should research well educated leaders, people with responsibilities, people who take their faith seriously, and who are responsible for other lives… like our presidents.

According to Wikipedia: No president thus far has been openly an atheist or even an adherent of any non-Christian religion.  So they must have been, you know, Christian-like, peace loving, faithful to their wives, humble and such…  I looked a few up to see if maybe there were differences in their peace-loving capacities based on their denomination – researching that whole one god one religion thing… maybe I could find a clue there as to where exactly I should place this blind faith in order that I may become a better person.

Harry Truman was a Baptist, he bombed Japan in 1945, was involved in the Korean War in 1950, and the cold war… He said, “Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever apologize for anything”.  It seems to me that humility might not have been his forte, neither was peace.

Lynden Johnson was a Disciple of Christ; he said, “I will do my best. That is all I can do. I ask for your help - and God's”. As many wonderful things as he started or as much as he was faithful… under his administration we escalated our involvement in Vietnam War, casualties soared, agent orange rained down so that people, land and animals could continue to die for decades.  Thank you Mr. President. God Bless.

George H Bush, a man fresh out of war and ready for more, Episcopalian, said “You cannot be President of the United States if you don't have faith”. Under Bush we went to war with Iraq.  He also did us the favor of grooming his sons in his tradition.  Did the force guide you Mr. President?

Bill Clinton one of the coolest dudes ever, first president I ever voted for, brilliant man, Baptist by the way.  His administration was involved in conflicts with Iraq, Serbia, Kosovo… He said ”Character is a journey, not a destination”.   Was the first stop on his character journey a blowjob in the oval office by an intern, which he denied to the last possible moment?  I am still looking for people who embody their Christian values.

George W – Methodist, he said “I think you can judge from somebody's actions a kind of a stability and sense of purpose perhaps created by strong religious roots. I mean, there's a certain patience, a certain discipline, I think, that religion helps you achieve.” For real?? Did that patience and discipline manifest when he was torturing and water boarding?  Was it stability he sought when he and his buddy Dick mounted a war in Iraq on fraudulent premises, took our children to Afghanistan?? The blood stains on his hands will never come out yet he goes to Church and likely considers himself a Christian worthy of things heavenly!

Hm…  Then I asked myself how bad my agnosticism really was and who was I hurting.  Why are people so disturbed by Atheists or Agnostics?  Are they per chance afraid that if we do not have religion we will hurt someone?? Kill?? Maybe screw around?? Lie??

Killed in the name of atheism is… well… it is not a thing.

However… Crucifications, mass executions, torturing people who spoke against church, throwing stones at prostitutes … starting wars…Christianity can claim it all.  Leaders, and those who proselytize: Whom are you trying to save?  Why won’t you start by saving yourself??

Sadly, killed in the name of religion is a thing.  You hear it all the time, and the only questioning that seems to take place is whose religion is better and more worthy of all the blood spilling?  Which land was assigned to whom by God? Things that happen are in the name of a justice and a God that we defined are as flawed as each of us.

So is my agnosticism really a problem? Am I really a lost cause?  Will my lack of religion have an adverse effect on my children? What if I don’t find what I am looking for, or worse yet, what if I find it and it represents none of what I want to be affiliated with?

How about I stay agnostic … with an open door policy… welcome Buddha, Jehovah, Allah one and all… for if there is love and light who am I to question the source and insist on the name?  Will anyone suffer if I remain agnostic?  A rational, skeptical, secularist with a twist of blind faith in all things unknown and A wonderful that drive humanity without requiring explanation!  No golden key needed.

I found a quote from an atheist actress that helped me put words to my anxiety and doubt.

Emma Thompson was quoted as saying, “I am offended by some of the things said in the Bible and the Koran, and I refute them." I suppose you can call me a sort of libertarian anarchist. I regard religion with fear and suspicion.”

To that I say, Emma,

AMEN sister. Praise the…

oops.