THE LICE CONTROVERSY

If prepubescent children with BB guns and pocketknives were not enough to shake down the establishment and stain our pristine town’s reputation, we now have the lice controversy.  Montclair is a town where people of all races and creeds come for an exercise in perpetuating the melting pot fairy tale while the very diversity we seek separates us, sometimes irreconcilably. Rich. Poor. Black. White. Uptown. Downtown. Democrat. Not democrat. You get the idea.  If all the ideological differences did not suffice, we now have the very serious lice controversy here in Montclair.  To disclose, or not to disclose, that is the question, and I will answer it.

As I sat reading with my six year old and watching her scratch herself silly, never did I think that curly headed child lying on my pillow was riddled with grubby little parasites gnawing at her skull and that they were sky diving into my wiry new stay at home whites as we commiserated over Junie B. Jones’s plight as a first grader.  So there I was, no longer a professional, SAHM, premenopausal, and conflicted as could be, only 72 hours before a big housewarming party, as to whether I should call it off due to this pestilence.  I contemplated having my family wear bandanas and not explain it, or maybe shave our heads and claim we were protesting GMO corn or something (that would fly here in town)… anything but cancel the party, anything but tell everyone we had lice. 

After serious deliberation, and in a wine induced flurry of guilt trumping shame, I contacted everyone on the list as well as those who had been in any way involved with us and said “WE HAVE LIIIIIIIIIICE” but told them I knew how to eradicate said plague and decided to let them come at their own risk (or cancel with a cause).  For once I hadn’t screwed up my karma.  Although I was potentially friendless, I felt born again.  I am now a self-righteous lice-disclosing zealot if you will.

I do recognize some may be new to the pandemic so let me just say a few educational things on this topic to ease your transition from apoplexy to controlled stun:  lice enjoy clean hair.  In fact, sticky products like gel will keep bugs at bay.  To avoid contagion slick Elizabeth’s hair into a tight bun and pretend someone at Bangz salon told you it’s in style.  Now I know that the moment you spot that first bug you will be tempted to go to Grove Pharmacy by night in dark Ray Bans but I assure you that will not accomplish anonymity, because they keep the lice products behind the counter and the clerk is hard of hearing.  "Did you say Par-a-dise? Are those condoms you're looking for? Oh you say your hair has lice. Yeah we've got something for lice”, they shout in disregard of your humiliation.

Good news and bad news: The good news is you can drive through CVS on Claremont and only the window gal will know.  The bad news is that most of what they carry are are vile pesticides.  Good news, “Fairy Tales” (while supplies last, see store for details) is probably the least harmful brand but the bad news is that it may not work so well.  My research shows that soaking the afflicted head in some Listerine will temporarily knock the pests out.  While they are out for the count, smother the hair in conditioner, grab a dark towel (so you can make out the nits), take a fine tooth comb for hours on end in the four directions of the hair shaft and do as our ancestor primates did – groom!   The kicker is that you must do this for two consecutive weeks, which on the upside offers tons of bonding potential as long as you don’t outsource this to your housekeeper (like I secretly tried to do). Because they are greedy little suckers, lice will be all bunched up around the neck area enjoying a tasty bloody Mary, or bloody Elizabeth as the case may be, so start there.

Now, I’ve read that at a New Zealand zoo, Betsy the baboon took to picking lice off children's heads for free, but here in Montclair we have the Lice Lady, and it's not free.  If you are faint of heart and sufficiently affluent you can see the lice lady on Midland Avenue or if she’s busy smuggling in pretentious mothers who beg her not to disclose their child’s name, you can always go to Livingston to a registered nurse who will charge you, the equivalent of paying 10 handymen from in front home depot, for one hour of her professional time.  Even cheap moms like me raid the coffers to avoid grooming, no judgment there.

Those of you veterans to the cloaked debacle (you know who you are), not disclosing your reasons for rosemary scented hair gel to any of your tennis playing sisterhood, just know that I am on to you. You need to call the school when your kids’ heads are infested with lice! Really. It’s the rule. Send an anonymous note to school.  Don’t show up – pretend you are in Aruba again.  As far as lice go, share the story not the nits.; end of controversy.