Moving On Post Divorce - Just Do It!
Written by
Anne Parks
October 2012
Written by
Anne Parks
October 2012
               I am not one to order magazines.  I don’t know why, but the only times I really read them is in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.  So, imagine my surprise when magazines start showing up at my house.  Perhaps a bit naively, I thought since we recently moved, we were getting a free magazine in the hopes of liking it enough to subscribe.  Yeah, I have no idea where that came from, especially since it has never happened in the many, many times I have moved.  Did I mention I am married to the military?  I have moved a few times. 
                By the time the fifth different magazine showed up, I was starting to take notice.  I asked my daughter if I had inadvertently signed up for magazine subscriptions as part of a school fundraiser, and simply forgotten.  She looked at me like I was crazy, which for a thirteen year old is a daily, if not hourly, occurrence.  When she added the, “Uh, no…” complete with attitude, I knew it must be coming from somewhere else.  However, I went about my daily activities, and forgot about the Great Magazine Mystery for a while.
                When I received the first invoice, for Maxim by the way, I decided this was more than a mystery, and was potentially a big mistake.  So, I called Maxim and informed them that we had not ordered the magazine.  Yes, this was after I tossed the invoice across the desk at my husband, followed by some alliteration of, “What is this exactly?”  I am not 100% sure, but I feel there may have been an “F” bomb dropped, and a slightly accusatory tone.  As I said, I could just be recalling that incorrectly.  In all seriousness, if he had wanted that magazine, he would have told me he ordered it; but he is not a magazine guy, either, so it just did not fit.
                Paige at Maxim was very nice, and apologized for the mistake, and immediately cancelled the subscription.  I asked how it was they got my husband’s name and address, and with a few clicks of the mouse, and some jostling between computer screens, I was told that an insert card was filled out and mailed in.
                Ah, the magazine insert card.  I wondered if people actually used those or not.  They are completely annoying when you are trying to flip through the pages (while waiting to be called by the nurse); there are at least half a dozen per magazine!  They scatter all over the floor, and make quite the mess!
                The following day’s mail had two more invoices, which meant two more phone calls in order to cancel, and two more inquiries as to how they got my name.  The same answer was given.  I see a pattern!  As of today, I have 10 magazines that have been ordered on my behalf, without my authorization. 
                So, let’s revisit the insert card.  I did not know, until I asked, that when one sends in an insert card, it is scanned and “attached” to the subscriber’s order number.  Imagine my surprise when I was told that I could receive a copy of the insert card simply by faxing a written request to the company.  Yes!  Now we are getting somewhere.  I feel like Paul Drake, you know, except that I am female, not investigating a murder (yet), and well, living.  (For those of you that do not know who Paul Drake is, you are too young.  Grow up and watch some vintage Perry Mason).  At any rate, I started trying to figure out who would be sending in the inserts in my name.  It was not difficult to come up with a list. 
                Two people stand out in my mind.  In true Paul Drake/Perry Mason fashion, both have motive, means, and opportunity to commit the crime.  And before you ask yourself “crime?” – yes, crime.  The minute the perp (notice the use of police vernacular there?  Pretty impressive, huh?) placed the unauthorized card in the U.S. Mail, it became mail fraud, which, for those who are keeping up, is a federal offense.  So, back to the alleged perpetrators of this fraud against us.  My husband and I are both on our second go around in marriage.  Neither of us is on very good terms with our exes.  We have both endured years of harassment from these two people, to include being investigated online, obtaining personal medical information, and the two of them deciding to strike up a friendship and share private information, which is then used against us in a myriad of venues.  So motive is met as they seem hell bent on harassing us for sport.
                Means and opportunity really go hand-in-hand.  The ex-wife and the ex-husband’s live-in girlfriend are both …wait for it…nurses!  As I explained earlier, doctor’s offices have many magazines, all filled with insert cards.  I mean, I guess I understand how it could happen.  There must be some downtime at the office, and perhaps they have to tidy up the waiting area, which means picking up the insert cards that have fallen out of the magazines, and sit on the floor.  Maybe there was a spark of “brilliance” and one decided that it would be really funny to put our names on some of them and send them in.
                I am not laughing right now, but I do expect to be ROTFLMAO within 4-6 weeks. 
                To be continued…..

Let's be friends

The Women Behind She Writes

519 articles
12 articles

Featured Members (7)

123 articles
392 articles
54 articles
60 articles

Featured Groups (7)

Trending Articles

  • Penny Righthand

    Very funny piece!  I love it! You're very good at turning your frustration into humor.