She Writes

Katie Pilkington
Happy Skank-Free Halloween, y'all!

Happy Skank-Free Halloween, y'all!

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Written by

Katie Pilkington

October 2012

Read more by Katie Pilkington

Well, kittens, it's Halloween. It's the one day out of the year that I am grateful to live in an apartment building that is inhabited entirely by graduate students of the ..."studious" variety. This means a couple of things:

1. No Halloween parties with girls dressed like slutty Barbie and slutty Little Bo Peep and slutty Cinderella and slutty Rainbow Bright (Although, who are we kidding. That girl got around.)

2. No teenagers wearing basketball shorts with socks and Nike Air Jordan sandals telling me that they're dressed like LeBron James and making me worry that they'll either attack me or murder my dog if I don't give them candy even though let's face it, we both know that you're way too old to Trick-or-Treat.

3. Most of the people who live in my building are Asian. I'm not being racist. It's not at all racist to point out that across the board they do better on standardized tests than American students. And why do you think that is? Because they don't participate in slutty Halloween. At least the people that live in my building don't. In other news, I am officially my grandpa and should be put to bed by 9 pm.

I've been on candy duty at my parents' house for the last 3 years because they always happen to be out of town on Halloween. (Sure, dad. Sure. Of course your company just happened to schedule a last minute meeting at the spa in West Virginia on Halloween. All companies do that. No, no. I absolutely believe you.) Did the adorable, bright-eyed Trick-or-Treaters ever come to my door? Did the tiny Ninja Turtles or itty bitty princesses or Robin Hoods come down our street? No. What did I get? The post-pubescent assholes who think that they deserve candy. For what do you deserve candy, sir? For what?!?!

Anyways, this year, my parents are on their own for Halloween. This means that they will turn the porch light on at 5 and off at 6. Because that is the only respectable Trick-or-Treating hour. Anything later than that is hooligan nonsense.

I will be celebrating Margarita Miercoles and pretending that it's just another Wednesday. I will be going out for Mexican food with one of my best gal pals and we will be drowning our terror in tequila, because she is every bit as big a chicken as I am.

I will not be watching scary movies. I can't. Because one of these days, something will scare me, and I will wet myself. So help me, I will. Oh, and because I hate them.

I will be spending my late Halloween evening basking in the afterglow of margaritas and too many tacos(and fake cheese, don't forget that) in my peaceful and slutty-party-free building and watching South Park on Netflix with Carter. The closest I will come to recognizing the holiday will be to eat a slice of homemade pumpkin pie (baked yesterday) and maybe watch a Halloween themed episode of South Park. The end. Because I hate this f*cking holiday.

Maybe when I have kids I'll feel differently about it. Because then I'll get to relive fun Halloween. Fun Halloween, for those who don't know, is Halloween for ages 1-6. Anything rated for any age over that will inevitably scare the pants off of me. Alas.

But I am celebrating my own things today. First, today is the last day of October, which means it's the last day of NaBloPoMo October, which means I blogged every frickin' day for an entire month, for better or worse. How will I celebrate it? By slogging through the writer's block to come up with a post for tomorrow, November 1st, and the first day of NaBloPoMo November. Because I am a glutton for punishment. You're welcome.

So, from my Snuggie and down-quilted slippers (and Margarita-induced stupor), I will be wishing all of you a safe, slut-free, and fun evening doing whatever you do to observe this, the least favorite of my days.

Happy Halloween, y'all!