I used to walk around all the time with a smile on my face.  My co-workers teased me by calling me "Smiley" and commented on how it made their day to see me because I always had a big, ear-to-ear smile on.  Even when I was crying inside, my default facial expression was a smile.

I walked with a spring in my step, a smile on my face; that was my default.

I don't smile as much anymore.  There's not so much spring in my step as slump.  My default facial expression isn't a frown, but its second cousin; the set line.

Why?  I used to work where people could see me; for the sake of the customers I considered it my duty to smile.  I smiled so much it was second nature.  I was energetic, and I'm an impatient person by nature so I walked quickly and it put a bounce in my step.  People used to perceive me as friendly even though I was shy because I was always smiling.  They perceived me as happy even though I was depressed because of my smile and my bounciness.

It's been years since I had a job where I had to smile for customers.  I worked in a call centre until last year and while they encouraged us to smile, the customers did not.  And since the customers couldn't see me and were frequently rude, I no longer had the unconscious urge to smile at them.  It feels like it's been years since I had energy, so while I'm still an impatient person who walks at a fairly quick pace, it's not enough to add spring in my steps.

I realized this today, and felt ashamed.  How are my family less important than customers?  Don't I want my children to have a Mommy who smiles all the time?  Would they be better off with a mother who bounces around or one who plods?  Didn't my husband fall in love with a girl who smiled all the time and bounced everywhere she went?

The thing is that smiling and bouncing are habits, which is why I used to do them so effortlessly.  The years have taken their toll on me, and broken the good habits I once had, forming new ones in their place.  Not smiling and plodding are habits, too.  And habits are hard to break.

It takes effort to smile, unless you feel like it.  It takes effort to bounce around like a happy bunny rabbit.  And while my days of hippity hopping around may be at an end, I don't want my days of smiling to be.

So, starting today onwards, I'm making the commitment to try to keep a smile on my face, as often as I think of it.  Even when I'm alone, I intend to smile happily.

Hopefully over time it will become a habit again.  Hopefully as time passes, I'll begin to smile as effortlessly and unconsciously as I used to, even when there's nothing in particular to be smiling about.

I want to be a smiling, bouncy mom.  I want to be the smiley, bouncy girl my husband fell in love with again.

What about you?  What's your default?