Sometimes I dream Men want to kill me
Written by
Lone Morch
August 2012
Written by
Lone Morch
August 2012

Fear, one breath from excitement

Sometimes I dream about men who want to kill me. Angry, obnoxious, patronizing men filled with resentment and hurt egos. The other night it was my dad chasing me with a pair of scissors, the week before, it was Arabs threatening me, because I didn’t hide my face and body.

Such dreams always occur when I’m about to speak truth, show myself and share something personal with the world, be it a new website, blog, program or my intimate memoir.

I’m aware that my work and vision may tamper with status quo – in our minds, bodies, relationships, culture and societies. Liberating women has been a longstanding issue for those in power.

But let it be said: I love men. I wouldn’t want to be without men. Thus, I don’t think of the dream scenarios as personal or person specific. At least not anymore. Rather, I’m aware that the patriarchy – the 2500+ years old gender dynamic and societal system – has snug itself in my DNA and deep-rooted patterns, which has played out in my life. In short, I’ve met my fair share of antagonistic men and women, or been antagonist myself. It’s taken me many years to learn to steer clear of such and only allow positive, healthy influence into my life.

Seems in my fight for independence, equality and respect – like the men appeared to enjoy – I got angry at men for feeling inferior, when in reality, the men/boys around me probably adored me, albeit in their slightly mocking way, and were more afraid of me and my ferocity than I of them.

Still, this fear breathes down my neck, when I’m getting up on my little soapbox to voice my truth and vision. Vulnerable, doubtful, self-critical, I want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

Is it true? I ask myself. What is there to be afraid of? Who am I afraid of?

I can’t come up with a satisfying answer.

Yesterday I was asked: Why would you need a negative influence in your life?

It wasn’t a joke, but a brilliant question that made my head spin.

Well. I’d be battling this influence, within me. It would keep me stuck. I wouldn’t risk being seen or failing. I would stay in my comfort zone and perhaps even blame it on someone else. Sounds like an old battle to me. That battle.

Ladies and gents, your deepest courage and awareness is called for at this time: How have you internalized the patriarchal ways within you? How is it reflected in your relationships, you life? What battles are you engaged in that really belong in the past? What negative influences do you hold on to, to stay stuck, small, in unfounded fear?

To be free, to be oneself, to walk an authentic path, we must be willing to be judged, projected upon, rejected and otherwise resented. And we must meet our fears, the unfounded fears included, with courage, and the hearty, loving presence of our souls.

Let’s pull back the veil on fear:

Life in America, dream and all, is festered with fear.

In the 13 years I’ve lived here, I have spent a significant amount of my precious life energy managing my fear. A pretty primal fear of ‘making it,’ surviving, feeling vulnerable. To me, this society cleverly keeps everyone in a bind of fear, if not about your ability to make it, then from being sued, of IRS, of a faulty healthcare system, of not getting your kids in the best school, from shortage of resources (god forbid we should change our bigger, bolder, better lifestyles), or from terrorists and war. Add to that the mistrust of government and media manipulation of information, not knowing who to believe and what is true anymore. The fear of pesticides, medicine and nuclear waste in our food. Meanwhile, the worldwide upheavals, revolutions and general dissolution of systems that once worked for us are beginning to have an effect on us and we feel the unrest in our bones.

Literally, the air we breathe is filled with fear.

Check with yourself: how much of your energy on a scale from 1 – 10 is spent on keeping fear at bay?

How not be afraid? 

Take a breath. Do you know that fear is only a breath away from excitement? That those two somatic sensation aren’t that dissimilar? Take another breath. Breathe space into your being as you play with the notion of moving fear into excitement.

Can You Protect Yourself – Your Spirit? 

As deeply sensitive, I don’t have to step outside the door to sense what’s going on in the world. So I’m careful how I engage with the world and conscious of what I take in.

For instance, I keep myself on a strict media diet. I stay away from people and environments that drain me. I spend lots of time being quiet, tuning into my own truth. Even when I stray into fear-land, I do anything – baths, a day in bed, hikes in nature, talks with trusted friends, dance, conscious breathing, or calling a few wise supporters – to return to trust, in my soul’s wisdom, in the benevolence of the universe, in the goodness and smartness of humanity. I focus on my own creative process. I fire up my joy. When I feel myself overcome with the troubles of our world, I strive to shift my perspective, my mind, to a localized context and all that is good. I allow emotions, feelings, commotions to flow through me, rather than resist. It keeps the ‘channel’ clear.

What can you do to nourish and nurture yourself, your spirit, your faith, and have a more conscious relationship to fear?

Change is up, it’s our daily diet, and as we speak, life as we know is changing rapidly for most of us. To some it may mean little shifts while for others, a 360 turn is required. The best thing we can do, is to ride the river of change rather than resist it, even as it swirls about in eddies or plunges over cliffs. We may need to make ourselves lighter, with less baggage, emotional and material, to slug around and feel obliged to. We may need to acquire new skills like mobility, adaptability, self-sustainability, and being creative on our toes. Detachment from ideas, beliefs and how we think life should be is a must. Staying close to truth is necessary. As is, the courage to not only roll with the punches, but also to act decisively from one’s heart and lead with passion. There is no other way.

We, those of us, who can stay close to truth, heart and joy are those who balance the scales in a world soaked in fear.

Let us be those people. Let us make it a conscious choice, to choose joy over fear, faith over fear, love over fear, creativity over fear, engagement over fear.

The good news, as I see it: by jumping on this train we will be the ones who gets to dream the new dream for our world and create it.

What do you think?
How does fear, real or imagined, show up in your life?
What do you do to shift it or protect yourself from it?

Please share your thoughts below and let us together befriend fear.


Do you want to jump on the fearless train?

Free Your Sacred Journey” will prepare you for this… and help you turn fears into freedoms.

Let's be friends

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  • Lone Morch Publishing

    Carole - I wanted to like your post, but couldn't find the like button. Is this what Facebook is doing to us, turning us into Like/Unlike simpletons? ha ha. Anyway, thanks much for responding 'anyway' - it gives me much encouragement to voice my truth when I know there's sistar support around me. :-)

    And yes, Juanita, so true, an age-old battle, in which we women have chosen to partake, and now we're waking up and trying to change that. It's amazing how difficult it is, isn't it? So many women I know who are brilliant and strong get anxious and sabotage themselves to avoid getting up on the soapbox with their truths. Slowly, surely... we will get there. ;-)

  • Carole Avila

    Admittedly I initially turned a little green, wishing I could express my thoughts so eloquently as I read your post, but you have managed to accurately capture my feelings and voice them so perfectly! One day we learn through wisdom and experience to turn from fear and plow through it to that connecting tissue of excitement on the other side. I agree with all your observations and celebrate the fact that I have learned to face my fears with open arms. It has been a long journey and sometimes a difficult process -but I have won over fear. I didn't erase it from my life but I gladly receive and accept it, knowing full well that there is more joy in the unknown than in the status quo. Thank you for sharing your heart-felt feelings!

  • It's all about voice and/or self-expression, which some men have tried to take from women for many centuries.