The Blame Game...No one ever wins.
Contributor
Written by
Michelle Russell
April 2012
Contributor
Written by
Michelle Russell
April 2012

  So, I`m having a purse party on Friday night.  I love having girls nights! It`s fun having a glass of wine with the ladies and being able to offer them some hot cute purses at a reasonable price.  Well, I`m in the middle of talking to two of my good friends, one of which is from work and Andre`s phone rings. What was on the other end of the phone was a ridiculous bag of worms that someone keeps hitting me with.  The thing is, I'm not responsible for someones worms.  It's as simple as that.

      This situation is a real waste of my time.  They have a bucket full of issues that have nothing to do with me.  Not my problem and I don't really care about anyones stuff but my own. Andre basically told him that. Go away. Leave her alone. She's told you both that, and so have I.  Back off.  This is such a stale situation.  Very old. Let it go!!  And stop writing dumb comments on my blog!!

    

     WHATEVER!! It made for a good story at my party since everyone heard the conversation.

     This is a classic situation in many relationships.  When they are falling apart, or going through problems,  you always have to blame something or someone.   It`s the drinking, the friends made him do it, it`s that other woman, the hot guy at the office...etc...  Been there, done it, got the t-shirt, the mug, and the matching coasters. Guess what...that type of thinking just doesn't work in the long run. It's self defeating and just prolongs the obvious reality of your situation.

     When are people going to step back and look at themselves.  We all have free will and make our own choices.  Some are good, some not so much.  The choices we make in life all have a consequence.  Sometimes we might not like the consequences but that's what life is all about.  We learn from our mistakes and we gather that knowledge to hopefully make the right choice next time.  Such as life.

     The man that chooses to sleep with another woman, or get too deep into porn...he's responsible for that choice.  It's no one else's fault. It's not the woman's, the porn star's, his friends who took him to the strip club or any other excuse people make.  People do the same with loved ones drinking, drug use, gambling etc..

Here is a link to a  great article on enabling behaviour.

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/enabling_behavior.html

http://codependentrelationships.org/the-best-codependency-book/

     People use this form of rationalising to keep their world as they know it from shattering.  People are who they are and there is no way around it.  We either accept the package or move on to something different.  Pointing fingers at others and blaming them for the state of your relationship is selfish, dysfunctional, and the only thing it does, is temporarily keep the bubble of denial from breaking. 

     We all like to take the focus off ourselves.  It doesn't feel good to be aware of our ugly self, to see mistakes we make, or bad ways in which we have treated someone.  But acknowledging these things frees us from being chained to things which are not good for us anymore.  Being honest with ourselves and putting the blame where it belongs takes courage. When we take responsibility for the situations we have created in our life, it empowers us to gather the facts and proactively deal with a situation in a positive and realistic way.  Taking responsibility also makes it possible for us to change and grow.

     Emotional attachments make it hard to think logically about a situation sometimes.  In the many relationships I was in, I made this same mistake I am writing about.  I rationalised that it was going to get better. That he really was a nice guy and just stressed out. If we changed this or that, or worked on this or that.... things would get better.  The truth is that if you have to change who you are to MAKE something work, then it's not going to work.  People are who they are and if they aren't allowed to be WHO they are in a relationship, they will secretly be themselves elsewhere. 

     We can all learn from our ups and downs in life.  I have grown tremendously as a person and have gained much knowledge from my mistakes I have made, and also from the people I have met along the way. 

     At our friends house last night, we were all joking about our first years relationship blunders and patterns.  Me and my girlfriend are both with Virgo's...best friends at that.  Both these men are very good people but were both very commitment phobic the first year we were both dating.  These guys put is through the emotional mill...and roller coaster that first year!!  Now we sit back and laugh about it and really how silly relationships are sometimes and how thankful at how good things are now.

     What changed was the ability to step back and take responsibility for their own actions.  Andre looked at himself, I looked at myself.  Mind you, we took time apart...a few months to do this.  At the end we ended up sitting down and we both made some terrific breakthroughs.  He discovered why he was so afraid, and I figured out why I attracted that and what I needed to change.   This helped us to be more understanding and patient with each other and supportive of the personal changes we were making. 

     When we took responsibility for our own actions and bad patterns, it opened doors to healing.  It gave us both the choice of using this self knowledge to make a change, or not.  That's the key word. Or NOT.  We can't make anyone change or be someone who they are not. If it's too much work or effort, it's not meant to happen.  Let go.

     Andre is my best friend.  We're not perfect, but we accept the good and not so good things about each other. We enjoy our time together, our friends, and our families.  Things aren't perfect, but we're OK with that. We really like who we are and what each other stands for.  We make mistakes, but things just work, they're easy.  We don't have to try to be happy, we just are.  It's a good, easy partnership. We laugh, cry and have fun together, lots of fun and lots of laughs.

     Sometimes when you step back and do inventory on a relationship, you might find that it's beyond repair, a person refuses to take responsibility for their behaviour, or you are just not compatible any more.  That's OK. As we grow and change throughout our life, sometimes people come and go. 

     Always be true to yourself, whatever situation you are in, or lifestyle you chose.  Everyone is different, everyone is at different place in their life.  This makes relationships difficult sometimes.  People sometimes come and go and that's OK.  Sometimes the shoes that you loved so much don't fit so good anymore....so to speak. That's OK also.

     Embrace change, celebrate our differences, accept others where they are at.  We all respond better to love and encouragement rather than blame and criticism.

Let's be friends

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