An Introduction of Sorts
Contributor
Written by
Carol Hand
February 2012
Contributor
Written by
Carol Hand
February 2012

A little bit about me:

I’m 34 years old, and am mother to an eight year-old son and a three year-old daughter.

 

I’m at the tail end of a divorce, and while we’ve been separated for over a year and a half now, that final judgment paper stating I’m divorced will give me some much needed closure.

 

It wasn’t just your run of the mill ‘we always fought, we tried to make it work, but nothing worked, so we got a divorce.’ No, it’s much more complicated than that. I suppose it is for everyone, but my story is a long one that involves emotional and verbal abuse, and more. After years and years, I finally started falling apart. I made poor choices, I should have left sooner, but I stayed until I had my breaking point in May of 2010. I finally left him and moved in with my parents.

 

I’m still staying with my parents, and here it is 2012. Earlier, I used to stress myself out thinking, “I have a good job, a lot of other people would have had it together by now and moved out of mom and dad’s, and would have been feeling all better and well adjusted by now. What’s wrong with me? I’m not where I should be.”

 

With time behind me, I can look back much clearer now, and see that everyone is different, has different needs, and takes their own amount of time to heal. I can also see that it hasn’t just been leaning on mom and dad for emotional support and a place to stay while I get on my feet. I have really, really needed them, and they have been there for me. They have taken care of me, helped me with the kids, and been beyond patient with the times I’ve been a crazy emotional mess.

 

I have been receiving treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since June 2010. That means that I have been through a LOT of counseling among other things. I’m currently in a Trauma Recovery group counseling 10 week class. I’ve been through similar classes and individual counseling. Again, a part of me feels like I should have had enough of this stuff by now, but I so desperately want to get a handle on my anxiety and not feel like I’m in survival mode all the time. Hence, the counseling…

 

One gal in the class said it best during the very first session, “It feels like somebody high-jacked my nervous system!” It’s not far from the truth when you learn how extreme stress affects the central nervous system, and the brain’s neural pathways. Anyhow, she went on to say, like all of us in the group, she’s there because she’s felt that way for way too long, and wants to learn the tools to manage the anxiety and other symptoms, feel centered, and enjoy life again.

 

So this is simply a glimpse of my situation. I’m feeling better these days, I feel more focused, and less flight or fight. Unfortunately, the anxiety flares up badly from time to time. Again, I pray to learn the tools I need in this group counseling to be able to manage the anxiety before it starts to flare. I’m still dealing with these things, but I’m excited to have a clean slate of a future to do all the things I want to enjoy life and be happy.

Writing:

I’ve always loved to write. I have short stories, college essays, journal writings, and clever little blurbs written on scraps of paper that I have compiled over the years. I never thought much about making anything bigger of them than the piles of paper I enjoy reading from time to time. Writing is part of my day job as well… audit work-papers and reports.

 

It wasn’t until the day after I left my husband that my personal writing really ramped up. He hadn't done anything physical to me the night before I left, but I physically and mentally felt like I had been run over by a truck. The day after I came to stay with my parents, I think I slept until 1:00 p.m. When I woke, I was going through a lot of hurt, doubting my decision, and just trying to make sense of what had been transpiring in my life over the last several years. I had so many thoughts running through my head, I just couldn’t string them all together to make sense of it all without a pen and a paper. I laid in bed all day and wrote, not just about my failed marriage and what had transpired the night before, but I began with the unhealthy relationship I had before I met my husband, and I didn’t stop writing until I got all of it out of my head that I could, up to that present time. It felt so good to get it all out on paper. I felt sad and hurt, but my doubt and guilt started to lift. When I saw it all on paper, I knew that I did the right thing for me and my kids.

 

I actually took two weeks off after I left my husband. I needed that time to rest, feel better, get myself together, reach out to the counselors and see what I needed to do to feel better, and make sure I don’t get myself in another bad situation in the future. Counseling led to more journal writing, and writing exercises. Sometimes it feels good to write, and other times it’s painful. However, through all this, I’ve started to evolve with my writing. I can now write about my experiences, what all of it has taught me, how I’m thankful to be me. I wouldn’t go back and rewrite my story because I have two beautiful children that are the center of my universe.

 

Now it’s not just about writing for therapy, but for fun. Not only do I want to really write with a purpose about my story, but I have interests in writing fiction as well. I have lots of ideas. I’m just getting started. When I found this website, I thought it may be a good place to meet like minded women that are either beginning writing for fun, to publish, to share ideas, find inspiration, and just have fun.

Oh, and any HTML Editor tips are welcome. :o)

Let's be friends

The Women Behind She Writes

519 articles
12 articles

Featured Members (7)

123 articles
392 articles
54 articles
60 articles

Featured Groups (7)

Trending Articles

Comments
  • Judith van Praag

    Carol,

    Write On! Congrats with biting the bullet in more than one way. Writing is a Healing Art, and you're on the right track, taking care of yourself and your children. Keep on keeping on. In a way writing will always have therapeutic value, even when it is "fun". Make it a habit and you have a lifelong friend.

    Keep us posted!

    Judith