Infertility - Acceptance
Contributor
Written by
Angelica Sunset
November 2011
Contributor
Written by
Angelica Sunset
November 2011

Two months into this I am struggling still.  I am doing all the right things, such as, going to counseling, reading books on the topic, journaling, praying, taking up new and exciting activities, writing a book for my own therapy, and now blogging. 

I don't think this void will ever leave me. It's dark, twisting, and at times all encompassing.  And it's not fair.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  I keep searching for a reason why, or something that I've done.  I can come up with plenty I've done, but deep down in my heart I think I know this isn't a punishment, and I am only looking to punish myself.  Why is punishing myself so comforting? I'm not sure, but I will leave that for another blog time.

To top things off, I am spending more and more time alone.  As my father in laws cancer progresses, my husband is gone each weekend.  During the week he has overnights for work.  I am suffering alone.  Not to mention the fact that he has a daughter already and I have none.  

Time and time again, each week another of my friends succeeds and is pregnant.  Then I get all confused with my mixed feelings about it.  A part of me is so happy, and another part is insanely jealous.  How can I cope?

My journey went on for 6.5 years, 3 IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 Fresh Egg Donor Cycle and 1 Frozen Egg Donor cycle and no baby.  I had 1 ectopic, 1 chemical, 1 miscarriage and 1 missed miscarriage/blighted ovum.  My doctor said I did it all, with the exception of carrying to term and having a live birth.  I am out of money and here is where my journey ended, August 26th of this year.  Yet I am struggling to reach acceptance.  

 

 

 

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Comments
  • Joanne M Lozar Glenn

    Your pain is palpable, and I applaud your honesty and being able to cope with all of this going on. Don't know if this will help or not...a friend (who happens to be a doctor) told me about her husband's experience with the onset of Parkinson's. He said, "Why NOT me?" i.e., so many people in the world are suffering from so many things, that it is just part of the human condition to experience such losses and tribulations. I had never thought of it like that before.