A local salon was having a special on massages so I decided to check it out.  Upon arrival, they gave me the standard paperwork with the standard disclaimers to fill out  – list any medical conditions, medications, you’re on we are not doctors, etc.  So I get to the last pages and there’s a contract.  The contract essentially says, “In the event that you sexually harass and/or assault your massage therapist, the massage will end immediately.  You will be responsible for the full price of the massage and gratuity.”   Which got me to thinking – what is the going rate for sexual harassment? Is the standard 18 percent ok? What about a butt grab? Does that bump it up to 25?  I don’t know these things, but I do know that I don’t want to have a reputation as a bad tipper.  (My masseuse was male, by the way, so please don’t send me hate mail.  I didn’t touch the guy.)

So the time comes for my massage and I am led to the treatment room.  I disrobe and slip under the sheet.  The masseuse enters, turns the lights down, hits “play” on the CD player, and proceeds to begin lighting candles.  Yes, that’s right. He started lighting candles, which seemed odd to me. Why are you setting the scene for the sexual harassment and/or assault that will not be taking place here today?  The music of Enya filled the room, inviting me to “sail away”, when my massage therapist told me to spread my legs. What?!?  I have had a lot of massages, and not once has anyone asked me to spread my legs. Apparently he wanted to give me a deep stretch, but it’s not like I’m running any marathons here.  “Relax, you’re tense,” he tells me.  Um, yeah.  I wanted to say, “This is me, still under the sheet. Still not sexually harassing you. I’m a good person.” But I didn’t.  Needless to say, it was the least relaxing massage I’ve had.  Actually, the second least relaxing. The first was when I was 16 and a massage therapist by the name of Igor (no joke) told me I had the strong legs of a runner, and I freaked out.  But that’s another story.

Oh, and did I mention that the salon spelled “tissue” as in “deep tissue massage” with an “h”? What is with me visiting establishments whose proprietors can’t spell? Yikes.

Photo courtesy Flickr user Ianiv & Arieanna under this Creative Commons license.