So here's the deal ... I have been banned from Tupperware for life. Well see ... I get really cranky being invited to all those parties ... I mean like these women act like it is the holy grail and when the invitation comes all engraven with detailed instructions on the appropriate dress..... AGHHHHH!!!! Everyone compares notes and life is divided into those invited to the Tupperware, and those not... and back then I was being brainwashed with the idea that I needed to work harder at pretending to be normal.

So I went. And of course they had to play stupid games ... like everyone gets a clothespin on their skirt/pants and if you cross your legs and someone catches you, they get to take your clothesepin!! The person with the most clothespins at the end of the night wins a fab prize ... oh you are darn tootin' right .... TUPPERWARE!!! I mean, I know, you are like peeing your pants right now cause it sounds like so much freaking fun right? So like the ladies start visiting and I tried to decline the games. I warned them I was competitive and you know what they did? They laughed ... "a-he-he-he" .... like a chuckle ... and dismissed it with a wave of their hand. And I am like, "no seriously, dude, reallllly competitive ...."

And they go, "I am sure we will all survive...a-he-he-he..." and they rolled their eyes.

So I am like, "hey I warned you lady ... all's fair now mitten-kittens." (I like to call women I don't care about mitten - kittens sometimes ...)

Then they are like, all visiting and talking about choke cherry jam and crap, and I am like perched on the edge of the couch watching and waiting. My muscles are coiled percision instruments, ready to go and then ..... with a scream piercing into the night air, I leap across the potato chips, finger sandwiches, and pink punch and dive into a sea of legs and come up with ..... a clothes pin!!!!! I do a little victory dance over the coffee table taunting them all "Ya, whose your mommy now bitch ..... uh huh, uh huh .... you are MY biooooootch ... " and other things like that. By the end of the night I had all the clothes pins and won a fab measuring spoon. But that is not why I was banned.

So then comes the program. Why can't they just hand you the damn book and let you order your tupperware?? Nooooooo, some prissy woman in a pretend business suit who wants you all to join in her little pretend game that she is fab CEO of her own multi-billion dollar home Tupperware extravaganza, gets up and begins the spiel. These women always squeal too ... it is really annoying .... "Ladies, I am sooooo excited to be with you here tonight and demonstrate our fabbbbbbulous new "spring the ding garden dong breeze line" ..... blah blah blah ... "(I actually threw up a little in my mouth just typing that .. but I can't be sure if it is the Tupperware thing or a hair ball ... I get those sometimes)...

Demonstrate? Yes, we are all so retarded that we should be thanking our lucky stars every day there is Tupperware to remind us what a bowl is for otherwise some of us ninnies might be running around wearing them on our heads ... wait ... no ... um forget I said that last thing .... And I was like "nooooooo, please.... anything but the dreaded Tupperware demonstration, seriously... you can have the measuring spoon back ...." and then she's like "ah -he-he -he" and she starts.

And I have never understood why someone has not made the giant leap from Tupper-ware to Tupper-wear.  I mean who doesn't look great with a green bowl on their head?  And clothes that burp ..men would be all over that.

But no-one ever asks me about these ideas I have and this evening was no exception.  The lady stood, all eyes on her ... and then she holds up this bowl and the room goes silent. And all these ladies stop breathing. I swear .. they stopped breathing ... and I was like thumping on one of their chests and trying to breathe in her mouth and she was threatening to sue me and the other ladies were pulling me off ... and it was pretty dicey .... but that's not the reason I was banned from Tupperware either ....

So everyone sits back down and she holds the bowl up again and everyone stops breathing again and they all hold up their fingers warning me to stay put and I am like ... "cheesh people do you think I am a retardo or something .. die if you want to ... I am not moving..." and then she announces "this is the most versatile bowl ever." She is holding it in her hands and all the women are "oohing," and "ahhing," and one even had to get a hanky she was so overcome .... I had to get a hanky too .... a hairball .... already told you about those ...

I am on the floor choking I am trying so hard not to snork and the ladies are like all looking at me really perturbed and hoping I will cross my legs so they can get their clothespins back even though the game is over, they are really poor sports. They just give me that look that says "could you just go somewhere and die?" and I was like trying so hard not to pee my pants again .. so I finally managed to get control of myself and sit back down on my chair.

The Tupperwear Pseudo Multi-Million Dollar CEO closes her eyes tightly against the inhumanity of it all and turns her head slightly to make sure I know she is ignoring me .. she needs me to be put in my place and believe me I would have loved to leave and go to "my place," but I would have had to get past "Bertha the Bouncer," who was standing at the door and no-one was getting out until they ordered their Tupperware. So much for the bit in the invitation about "no pressure to buy, just come for an evening of fun." Bertha was standing right by the pie charts and pictograms of our hostess's children begging for just one chance to to go to Disneyland before they died and one child pointing to a mole and some woman (who looked suspiciously like the hostesses best friend - only Photoshopped to be much thinner) dressed like a nurse exclaiming in a caption on the picture .. "THAT could be cancer." So the Pseudo CEO announces we are going to pass the bowl around the circle and each one of us can tell her about the special uses we have had for this amazing bowl. She hands it to the first lady and that woman, after she gains control of her emotions, goes on and on about some family tradition Jello surprise with Miracle Whip concoction handed down from the cavemen and how it fits perfect in the bowl. Everyone claps like it is the most exciting thing ever and two of them stood up and squealed. The next one tells how it was the last bowl her late husband ever ate out of and now it holds his ashes on the fireplace ... blah blah blah .... you get the picture. I paid a lot of attention on how to honour this bowl, the hostess, the rituals, the Tupperware ... and I was ready. So it comes to me and I take the bowl and give the appropriate sigh of importance. I lower my voice to complete reverence and with the most serious affect I can muster, I begin to stroke the bowl gently as I talk...

"Well.... my husband and I like to take the children camping when we can .... and the thing is, once he is in the car ... he will not stop until we get there. He doesn't care about bladders and crying and off-setting smells. He has a plan and we follow it without deviation. We used to fight so bad that I was watching divorce court on television and taking notes ... but now that has all changed thanks to this bowl. It s just so perfect (and I wiped a tear from my eye and fought to gain my composure) when one of the kids need to go, you just whip it under them and when they are finished, snap on the air tight lid, making sure you burp it of course, until the next one needs it. No muss no fuss no spills. Now there are no more fights and we are the happiest camping family ever. And wait ... there is so much more .... once we arrive at our camping spot ... a quick trip to the woods to empty the bowl, one quick dip in the creek and we are good to go for the evening salad - Jello Miracle Whip supreme of course - but I am sure it is nowhere near as good as your ancient family recipe .... (and I batted my eyelashes at the first lady and beamed ....)"

There was silence in the room again, not quite the awe-inspired silence of before but more like a shock silence - like "OMG did someone just get hit by a bus?" type of silence.... and then Ms. La-de-freakin'-da Tupperware Queen quickly grabbed the bowl away from me and none of the other ladies even got their chance to tell their special stories. It was so completely sad. I hate it when games aren't fair like that. I just wanted to know who won. She never told us, instead, she just handed out the order forms and disappeared into the kitchen.

I heard someone crying hysterically and thought perhaps my work was done for the night but as I let myself out the back door, (Bertha was eating finger sandwiches by the handful) I heard the Tupperwear queen saying she would do the other parties for the other ladies but NOT if THAT woman was going to be there. I can't be sure but I am thinking she may have meant me.. I kinda think that may be why I have a lifetime ban from Tupperware ... seriously ... just check out the next mall kiosk you see ... my pic .. big red circle around it with a line through it ... oh yah ... and there's a restraining order ....