My hope is that Charlie Sheen will still be breathing when my column is posted.

 

Could you do that for me, Charlie?

 

I mean, it’s not like I am a former porn star or anything like that. You see, if a man ever hit me, he’d end up in the hospital.  So why would you pay attention to me? I am just a writer who would like to have her say about what you are doing with your life. I am sure you won’t hear me with all those other voices running around in your head demanding $3 million per episode.  But just in case a few go out for air or a drink or some illegal drug or a really nasty combination of the later two, here is what I would like to say to you. And all the fools out there who think that Charlie be the man.

 

I have never liked your arrogance since you were a young actor. There always seemed to be something menacing about you when I saw you being interviewed. Could never put my finger on it, and truth be told, I didn’t give you much thought. Not with Daniel Day-Lewis and Javier Bardem walking around on this earth.

 

Then your show, “Two and a Half Men” comes on CBS and I consciously made the decision to boycott that channel. Except for “NCIS.” Don’t need to have the husband having a meltdown.

 

I don’t get you. I don’t see the appeal. Maybe I am one of these women who dislikes sons of bitches who treat women like doormats on TV and in their real lives. And that someone would pay you $2 million per episode makes me want to set my hair on fire.

 

They cut the arts in schools and yet you get to blow your money on drugs, booze and young women who are probably victims of abuse or become victimized under your roof. Sweet, naive, young women who would never know a healthy relationship if it came up and kissed them gently on their cheek. You seem to go for the ones who can’t defend themselves. And this is only my humble opinion. You bastard.

 

I don’t think you can really act your way out of a paper bag. And then I look at your sainted father, Martin Sheen, who has the courage of his convictions and is a brilliant actor.  I wanted to live in the set of “The West Wing.” I voted for him for president in 2000 and 2004.

 

You have so much going for yourself (even if I don’t see it) and yet you are hell- bent on self-imploding. And we get to watch it on TV. ABC and NBC (not to mention the cable shows) have the Sheen Olympics on 24/7 to make sure we don’t miss one second of the insanity. I am afraid Oprah is going to start her second network – The All Charlie Sheen, All The Time Network. If she does, I am going to live in cave with Stedman.

 

Some days it feels like the whole nation is watching you dangle from a ledge of a building and they are secretly whispering, “Jump.” That has got to make you feel all warm inside, doesn’t it?

 

People don’t really care about you. They just want to see you spontaneously combust on “The View.” They just want to see Barbara Walters slip and exclaim, “WTF.”

 

So since I have not cared for you since the beginning, I will say this and I mean it in the nicest way: Get help. I have known men like you who were the life of the party and always a little reckless. Now, I don’t know which cemeteries they are buried in.