Personal Rant
Written by
Rachel Jacobsen
February 2011
Written by
Rachel Jacobsen
February 2011

My laptop sits before me, I have headphones on which stream in the sound of classical music.  It took me a while to actually sit down to write today, all week for that matter.  Today I am just straight exhausted, in fact I have so many thoughts running through my head, I am finding it difficult to work around them.  I have no interest in being Debbie Downer in my blog entries, but find it curious as to what it would be like to write in a state like this, within a more public format, other then my journal.  I find that I am trying harder then normal to come to some sort of flowing perspective, I have so many self-states that want an opportunity to speak their mind.

I don't want to be so affected by these emotions, in fact I can't help but wonder if there's a possibility that this is happening for a reason?  Perhaps I have unleashed a tidal wave of emotions as a result of my last analysis.  I also happen to know that I am premenstrual, so definitely part of this is due to that, but regardless of there actually being an objective reason, is there something to be learned from all of this?  That's my damn problem, I am always seeking reasons, never quite accepting what is, always pacing around the reason for why it is occuring.  It is my bloody hobby after all, never quite anticipated it becoming my curse.  It bothers me when I am like this, because my mind is going so much that I find myself quite disconnected from my now moments.  The lights are on, but nobody is home. 

This week marks that first week since I had my daughter, almost three years ago, that I have stepped back into the work force to help support my family, and it's a bitter sweet reality coming face to face with what little I actually contribute.  It's hard not to feel so inadequate when faced with the possibility of having to live on every last penny each month, it's hard.  I don't know how to budget going to the doctor, or pay for the car registration without dipping into funds that must go to other things.  When it comes to money, it's hard for me to hope that it will all work out.  Does it ever get to a point where I can feel comfortable taking a vacation without the possibility of overdrafting my bank account?

I know things will change, and the longer I contribute financially, the more it will help our family, it just feels like I have been waiting for so long.  I know so much can change in such a short amount of time, I guess that fact that I have just started a new chapter in my life, I find it overwhelming to realize that where I want to be is still somethig that needs to be worked towards, and it may take longer then I anticipated.  On top of that, I am not happy with where my daughter is going to daycare, it is weighing heavy on my heart.  I need to find another place for her to be.

I gotta do what I gotta do, and my family needs me to help out, and so that is what I am gonna do.

Let's be friends

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