Don't know how I missed this post when you first wrote it, but just wanted to say thank you. I'm in the process of writing a hybrid social issue/memoir hybrid right now (first draft due to the publisher in March and I'm barely a quarter done - the horror) and I've had the hardest time clarifying the "purpose" of my first person narrative - this post put it all in perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think you may have just broken my writer's block.

Brava, Amalia. Insightful responses to the post. I especially resonated with this: "Even a relentlessly bleak ending can be inspiring in its own way—if nothing else, to remind us that life is immensely more complicated and nuanced than TV and Hollywood movies and novels depict it to be." And this: "However these bits need not be in a linear fashion, and the ending need not be a clear-cut, happy, or even uplifting one to make the experience meaningful and profound and even life-changing for the audience." Since my narrative structure tends toward the fugue in format for the memoir I have been writing, I think it important to underscore the many forms that memoir as reflective exercise and search for meaning can take. Thanks for a very thoughtful post, and for continuing the dialogue. I posted something on the Community blog yesterday that you might find germane to your thinking.

"Publishers are looking for stories that can inspire. That's just human nature and the American way. We don't mind if you were forced to bear your father's child in poverty, just as long as you eventually star in your own tv show, or at least work with other tortured children to try and make things better."
Dear Erin, I am a European who now lives in the States, and I would like to "problematize" (as they love to say in academic theory) your statements above.
Firstly, "human nature" and the "American way" are not the same thing. Audiences in Europe do not seem to mind reading books, or watching movies, without a specifically "uplifting" or "inspiring" message (two attributes that, in themselves, bear defining—what's "inspiring" for someone may be hopelessly dull for someone else). European audiences are also more used to types of writing, film-making, or creativity in general that are more "experimental" and less "linear" in the way of narration, voice, subject matter, etc.
Secondly, starring in your own tv show is perhaps a crass objective for some serious writers/artists. Adam Lambert is not Bob Dylan, or Joni Mitchell, or Leonard Cohen, and I suspect that none of these musicians would have ever made it to the final of American Idol today.
I am not naive and I do understand that, in America, publishing is a business and that even those few remaining small, "avantgarde" presses need money to survive (in Canada and Europe, a lot of these enterprises receive government money or are privately funded). However, there is often a fine line between the crass commercialism of a stereotypical "happy ending" message and what you define as an "uplifting" and "inspiring" one. Even a relentlessly bleak ending can be inspiring in its own way—if nothing else, to remind us that life is immensely more complicated and nuanced than TV and Hollywood movies and novels depict it to be.
Yes, a book and a movie both need a beginning, a middle and an end, we agree on that. However these bits need not be in a linear fashion, and the ending need not be a clear-cut, happy, or even uplifting one to make the experience meaningful and profound and even life-changing for the audience.
I recently saw a French movie horribly titled in the English version "Making Plans for Lena" (the original French title was "Non ma fille, tu n'iras pas danser", which roughly translates as "No, my daughter, you will not dance", and this "mistitling" alone tells a lot about the cultural difference between American and French audiences.) If I had to give you a "hook" for this movie, it would roughly be: "A neurotic, dissatisfied married woman and mother of two kids in her late thirties, in the middle of divorce proceeding from her husband, quits job, moves to her parents' country home to house-sit while they vacation in Rome, all the while pondering the meaning of her life and of life in general—without coming up with any precise answer in the end."
I much suspect that an American agent or publisher would not give this hook the time of day—were it a film or book synopsis. And it would be a pity, because the movie instead was beautifully poignant, deeply truthful and realistic about the human condition everywhere—not just France. As a middle-aged woman who feels she has made many mistakes in life and perhaps wasted a good half of it, I was deeply affected by this film and it left me thinking about it for a long time. And isn't that what art is supposed to do?
Franz Kafka said "the books we need are the kind that act upon us like a misfortune, that make us suffer like the death of someone we love more than ourselves, that make us feel as though we were on the verge of suicide, or lost in a forest remote from all human habitation—a book should serve as the ax for the frozen sea within us." Lest you shrug and say "Yeah, Kafka, that damn depressed, sickly writer", let us remember that Kafka, as well as casting an unflinching eye on human despair, was also capable of great irony and humor in his writing.
And an all-American author, William Styron, also said that "A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end." That "exhaustion" need not be pessimistic or awful; it could instead be akin to the pleasant, fulfilling exhaustion one feels at the end of a particularly wonderful love-making session.
When did such lofty goals for literature, and art in general, go out of the window?
Have they?
In our times of ephemeral and easy consumption of creative endeavors, has that feeling of "slight exhaustion" as response to the end of a book, or movie, or concert, or theatrical performance or art exhibit, been permanently replaced by a yawn of mild satisfaction, an off-I-go-now-onto-other-business reaction?
I hope not.
Call me old(-fashioned), but as a member of the audience I still want to be surprised, shaken to the core, left exhausted by art. And I know I'm not the only one out there.
I do however agree with many things in your post: the distance, the voice, the ability to communicate your experience to others must all be there to make the writing of a memoir worthwhile. I'm completing a book on my mother's mental illness and unsavory death, and it took me over three years from her departure to be able to start writing about it. By the time I was ready to workshop the pieces in my book, I was also able not to take any comments made by my fellow writers personally and to consider them instead as being just about the writing.
My memoir is for me a creative product, not an act of therapy or a wishful thinking money-making spin, and I want to communicate (if not "inspire" or "uplift") and share the experiences in it with a wider audience, not just express myself.
And I agree that the tone of this query was grating, narcissistic, and for me it made the experiences described sound almost unbelievable. It was relentless, there was no moral of any kind.
There, my take on it is that, instead of a "message", what art needs to be important is some kind of moral—whether this is shared by many or few, whether it is part of the current social mores or antithetical to them.
I could go on as I have many more things to say on this subject but my post is already too long. So thanks to you, Erin, for this—it has certainly stimulated a lot of discussion.

I have a quote posted on my desk. "You may never be able to remove the skeletons from your closet, but you can sure make them dance." Speaking from experience, I refuse to be a victim of my past. There's a lot to say for the person who can rise above the tragic moments they've endured; the person who can drag themselves out of their own personal hellhole and climb to the top of the mountain.

Writing a memoir should be about helping and healing others, teaching others and touching the hearts of others. It's about making your skeletons dance.

"You have to be aware that the reader is not your therapist, even as they are a witness, and that in every tragedy or dark time, there's hope or goodness or art at the end of the process." Insightful commentary, Erin. Helps very much with thinking not only about the query letter for my memoir, but the purpose of writing the memoir at all. We do tell stories, even stories from our own lives, not to hear ourselves talk but to join the conversation with other human beings about ways to make sense of events that happened; in other words, not to report, but to find meaning. And therein lies the hope and the art. My favorite political philosopher, Hannah Arendt, once wrote that even in the darkest of times, as long as there is one left alive to tell a story about resistance, illustrating that what happened didn't have to happen because people resisted, "no more is required...for this planet to remain a fit place for human habitation."

Whoah. I pray that this woman will come upon a ray of hope and revise her story to include it, and what I mean by revise her story is revise her life. Bless her soul, I can't imagine it is easy to locate a ray of hope in this world after experiencing all that. If she did, now THAT would be a story.

I hope you wrote her back and let her know exactly what's missing, in a kind way. Perhaps some helpful feedback would offer her that tiny glimpse of hope, something she could build on. You have to admit that if her story held a promise of triumph, it would be quite powerful. A person who has been faced with that much adversity and negativity probably has a rough time seeking out hope of any kind. Can you even imagine? Maybe with a little point in the right direction, she could start focusing on hope and it could change her story, and make it absolutely worth telling and sharing.

Honestly, I find some of the responses here to be a bit crass and heartless. Clearly, this person is trying the best she knows how to turn a bad situation into something better for herself. She may not be going about it the right way, but put yourselves in her shoes, and ask yourself if you would be able to do much better given all that. It's responses like this that will rob her of any chance at seeing the world as a place she can find comfort or create hope for herself. That's more depressing than her story if you ask me.

It continually surprises me that people believe that just because they have led a horrible life they automatically have a book in them. Being a writer is much more than telling a tale of woe. Thanks for sharing this with writers here; I hope it provided insight and instruction.

Thank you for this, Erin. There is such confusion with 'memoir' and 'autobiography', and you're exactly right - no one cares unless you're famous, or you've got a darn good angle. I'm also put off by the veiled threat that you'll regret a rejection - bit presumptuous. Many lessons here, and thank you for them. No matter what we're writing we must consider our reader at all times.

Hey, Erin,

This sentence is great: "The writing doesn't have to be funny, it just has to understand the necessary balance between lightness and darkness." Words to write by ....

AC

Great commentary. A story should not be about the ashes, but the phoenix who rises above.

You are so right. A story shouldn't be about the ashes, but the phoenix who rises above it all.

Wow, certainly makes me think twice about my writing.

I agree that this letter seems so over-the-top as to be ghostwritten by me or altered in some way, but the fact is that this is how it came to me, word for word. I merely removed the woman's name to protect her identity. This query was emailed, so I didn't retype it. I definitely don't want to shame its writer - she's been through enough already. My point is that I see letters and manuscripts with content like this all the time. It's heartbreaking, but I'm an agent, not a therapist. And I want to remind people that books are about connecting with readers. When you are "in it" you can certainly write about it, but that is not the time to start thinking about what your story may be worth on the open market. If each of us made a list of every horrible thing that has ever happened to us, or that we've ever seen or heard about happening to someone else, we would all jump out the window. Don't make me want to jump out a window in a query letter, please. Make me marvel at your reasons to live.

Thank you for sharing your insights on this query letter. This women's story is heartbreaking. I hope that she'll come to the point of facing it with courage and humor. I have a friend who has had her share of tragedy in life. Raised in poverty on an Indian reservation, raped numerous times during her teenage years, and alcohol addiction molded her into an angry adult. Today she knows Christ. God raised my friend up from the darkness she lived in and led her into ministry where she shows other American Indians how to find hope in the Lord. As tragic as her life was, she exhibits a cheerful attitude and is one of the funniest people I know.

At first I questioned the reason for posting this letter in full. Even with the name redacted, isn't it shaming? Then I read your critique of the letter and recognized the wisdom in sharing: to assist others in recognizing the function of any writing intended for publication, not just memoir. It's not just about you, the author, but about the audience beyond the words. The first audience member is the potential agent. If that agent, and every subsequent agent, gets turned off, all signs point to much needed revision of the work in question, something all writers should be coherent in. Thanks for sharing and for your honest feedback that rounds out the post.

What a depressing query letter. You're so right about getting turned off...I couldn't finish reading it. I agree that a memoir should be uplifting and relatable for the reader. This is a powerful post. Thanks!

Loved this especially your line about how the author needs to have "enough distance from her story to be able to tell it with clarity and humor." Hear, hear, says someone who wrote a memoir about loss then tucked it away for five years until she felt she could write it with that all-important distance. There are memoirs out there that have been published a year after the traumatic or life-changing event - and they never quite reach me as well as others do.

"...it's not all about the writer, it's about the community of readers willing to buy a book"
Fantastic. Thank you.
Christine
www.poletosoul.com

Yikes. Great post and very informative. I love that you point out peoples' lives are not a competition. It really isn't about the horror, it's about redemption or the strength to come through it all with perspective and hope. Claiming to be a "survivor" has become a bit cliche of late, but surviving and growing from challenges can be very inspirational to those who feel lost. Reading The Glass Castle certainly made me appreciate the author's ability to deal with what could have been insurmountable obstacles and her ability to never give up. It's too easy to fall into the blame game rather than use what skills a person develops because of difficult situations. Good luck sorting through all the tragic stories that come your way!

I loved this post! Thank you! So helpful.

That was a great post. I can appreciate the distinctions made between memoir and biography, and the reminder of why people would pick up such books to read.

I put off reading "Precious" and seeing the movie because it is hard to willingly immerse myself in desperate sadness. On the other hand, I read other nonfiction stories of genocide in Rwanda and Cambodia. I deeply want to understand how people can commit atrocities and survive them as well. Needing to tell a harsh, but true story because you must tell it, even if no one ever reads, is one thing. Angling for a future movie deal is something else. What makes these dark stories readable and compelling is that the human spirit survives and lives past the darkness. Considering how you might make money on your misery turns it into another kind of abuse--sensationalism of abuse to make money. It offends my sensibilities, like victim hood as a profit model. No thanks.

Quoting Erin: "I get letters like this everyday." So whether this is a real letter or not isn't really the point. The letter was being used as an example about the perversion of the memoir into assuming its a contest as to whose life is crappier instead of seeing it for the art that it is. Jenne' -I don't think your exasperation is necessary.

I went back and read the letter. It was painful and embarrassing, and reading the letter made me embarrassed for the author! I have to say the best line was the threat of regret and the presumption of a movie deal!

Thanks Meryl. I labored over it: rewrote, revised, and edited...