today i feel so phucked up i just want to step off the phuckin edge of the the mutha phukkin ledge of life and wave bye-bye on the way down. the bullshyt pressures of life are a struggle right now. what is like breathing for other folks, is like life support for me…..wanna cope desperately….can’t….wanna fight….no strength…..wanna beg, plead, ask for help….feel too worthless to waste the breath…. wanna, wanna, wanna……promise to myself n everyone else….i’m gonna, gonna, gonna….but how? i stand up, to pick it, to get it up…..but put it down…..like ‘what for?’ what difference will it, or i make anyhow? talked on the phone, laughed n giggled to the them…to me…i stood looking in the mirror at the phony with the phuckin mask of confidence the other person is hearing i say something i think may be witty….i guess…cause they’re laughing i’m looking at me fighting back tears….i phukked up again….. took on too much…..way more than i can handle…..what makes them believe i can do this shyt anyway….just cause i lucked up and did it last time a mutha phuckkin fluke…that’s all that dumb shytt was…..that’s all it was “Leave me alone!!!!! I can’t do it again!…..It’s too damn much!….Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze!!!!!” “Just let me crawl back in my bed….chase the sleep that evades me….if i can catch a hold of a little real rest…deep sleep….the kind the nightmares can’t get to…… the kind of sleep where my demons don’t dance and shake their asses, like my new orleans roots of a second line….waving the white flag of my failures in the air….taunting me with …what coulda…woulda…shoulda been what i should have done right….or better….if only i were….right…or better what the hell is right….or better….who the PHUCK KNOWS????????????? i sure don’t….not at this moment……but maybe i will after i moan, cry, and pray if i can find the energy to moan, cry and pray maybe i should, pray and moan as i cry? Jesus, help me. I’m having a really bad day today…. Family, friends….forgive me….I’m not my best self this way…. depression is a super, uber, ugly bytch beast….. but prayer has cracked the shell of this beast….and a sliver of hope at the end of my rope, is all i can cling to…..right now anyway if i can only find the strength to hold on….. by robminx copyright 2010 www.robminx.wordpress.com