• Nina Chong
  • Don't Want to Cry Tonight [Why Do We Want to Be Apart of the Lives of Men We Do Not Want to Be...
Don't Want to Cry Tonight [Why Do We Want to Be Apart of the Lives of Men We Do Not Want to Be Apart Of?]
Written by
Nina Chong
April 2010
Written by
Nina Chong
April 2010
I don't want to cry tonight. So I won't listen to "Set Apart This Dream" by Flyleaf. I can't let Holly Go-Lightly's "mean reds" get the best of me and open up the doors to the lower outlets of my sorrowed, sinewy heart. I don't know how much more of this I can take. If you're gonna treat me like dirt when you're overwhelmed with insecurity you won't face or your own feelings of being lost then I can't have any part in you. I must say that I do want parts of you. However, I am well past the brink of being fed up with men not knowing how to treat me and so I do not want part of you because I do not and will not tolerate any part of that. [That Mis-Treatment] Why must we choose to be apart of men who are too scared to be too nice? Too scared to let go and too afraid to open up. The matters become worse when a man cannot admit he is scared or even that he feels a certain way unless he thinks about it. I don't accept that stupid "Men are that way." or "Men are not in touch with their feelings.". Because no matter what gender you are you have feelings--and you know when something's up. You know when you don't feel like yourself--you know when you are being extra aggressive or ignoring something. Maybe you trained yourself not to take notice of feelings that bother you or leave doors open for hurt--but you won't get anywhere by closing the doors in the faces of people who care about you. Is it obvious I am speaking from a personal experience? I hope so, because perhaps others of you will realize and understand that we, as women, tend to undertake these men and make them ours. They become parts of our hopes, dreams, wishes, fairytales and fantasies. They become parts of the reasons why we bury our storybook visions and inspirations for ways to push forward and keep living life. No matter what he/they/even she did to you. I, personally, do not have many experiences with men that made me feel really special. Only one, and wouldn't you know that that one is just not the one for me. We cannot relate, we are not for each other, it won't work because I don't want his companionship. That's not me being picky by the way, it's just me understanding I want to be in a relationship with someone who compels me to laugh, live, love, strive, and love God. (How come, [in more recent news] I found a guy who makes me want to laugh, live, love, strive, and run with the path God leads me--but does not love God, and is a jerk. A wonderful jerk.) Why do people, like I am doing, apply themselves to jerky people? What is the logic behind this? Perhaps some believe they can help fix them. Others may be attracted to people who are so different than what the norm. is "supposed" to be or has been in their past. Maybe some people don't care about themselves enough to care. I believe in him. He is a better person than he allows himself to be. But he is scared. He needs Jesus to set him free. He needs God to hold him tight. I have faith in his purpose on Earth. I have faith and hope in his completed salvation and freedom. I know he can be an amazing man on the outside because he is one on the inside. He truly is an amazing guy. Not because he is intelligent or good-looking or dresses well. Not because he thinks he's going to make a lot of money. There is something in his heart that is special, tender, real, and innate from The Father. He can see. He is not blind but he is not mature. His vision is not in err but his mind works against him with its ugly, cold traps of defense. He knows it too. He does. In his heart. He feels it. & that is why he feels so lost. What can i do but pray for you EG? & I do.. When you fall asleep on the phone I pray for you. While I wait to hear your voice and listen to you, I pray for you. I ask God all the time how He has chosen to become real to you. I wait for him to show me the answer. But while I wait it breaks my heart. When will you get serious? I am not the answer. God is the answer. When you find Him you will see how much more you will want to do--not because you have to, but because it makes you so happy to. When you finally meet the man who died for you.. You are wonderful when I look at you. But that is because I have gotten to know the insides of you. And the truth is, so many people are wonderful. Will you be wonderful for me? To be honest with you..if this ends..and sometimes i think it will. I don't think YOU will directly break my heart.. But I know my heart will break. And I hate myself for knowing that. So one begs to ask the age old question: Why do we stay with the ones we know will break us down? Maybe we know these outsides we all have need to be broken so we can be our insides. God gets to our very core and heart. We, as humans and children of God, crave that kind of connection. That free and real connection that is separated from the facades of human fear, seclusion, insecurity, pain and want. Do we want someone to break down what we think we can or are holding up? Maybe...i think I do. But the problem with that is, when he gets there I hope to God he is the man who God has for me--the man I will marry. (because) If not, ...I am killing these storybooks.

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