Topless Russian bride puts her 'breast' features forward
Written by
Tinamarie Bernard
February 2010
Written by
Tinamarie Bernard
February 2010

Oh dear. What a lovely pair, they, uh, you make, bouncing buoyantly up the steps to your nuptials. The only question Modern Love has is why? For once, this writer who has oft written about the beauty, the sensuality, the utilitarian purpose of the female form – "breasts have nurtured the ages, and given countless hours of comfort to many scraped knees and elbows. They’ve enticed men to perform feats of great courage, and given women sensual satisfaction." – is almost at a loss of words. So let me gently say that when it comes to showcasing your breast features, less is not always more. A hint of cleavage is enough to make a horny groom salivate. No need to present your entire self on the bridal platter. And besides, I’m not sure nipples were meant to hold up 40 lbs of organza satin anyway. They are delicate little things. Years ago, I attended a wedding at which one of the guests conveniently forgot her bra. For the entire event, we stared, dazzled by her audacity, nipples popping out, here and there, little cherries tumbling out of a bowl from her strappy, low-cut gown. Each time one escaped, she'd tuck it back, casual-like, as if it were a naughty errant boobie. Oh, the men were momentarily thrilled, and just as glad she wasn't their date flashing grandma, auntie Sue and Jacob, the 8 year old ring bearer. By the way, did you invite children to your wedding? Or just the papparazzi? Sensuality is a wondrous thing, but it is not synonymous with crude. I know it is so confusing these days, with all that crotch-grabbing, simulated fellatio and sexting going on. Makes a gal crazy trying to keep up with the Jones. But if the game is x-rated, do you really want to play (publicly) that is? Modern Love quite encourages For-Play, when it is restricted to more private settings. There's a difference between Googling and Goggling, my dear, and now your boobies have been subject to both. Oh, that's what you wanted all along? My apologies. In any case, I hope by now you've recovered from the virus you must certainly have caught from all that internet and cleavage over-exposure. Modern Love is just glad your groom decided to cover his parts, being that it’s nipply this time of year, certainly in yours. Tinamarie writes the top-rated Modern Love column for She also spends her days studying human courtship, musing about sex, and baking chocolate bundt cake for her hungry brood of three. New friends and comments are most welcome.

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  • Tinamarie Bernard

    Thank you both for commenting! I had a hoot writing this. The muses love tongue in cheek humor about breasts. :)

  • Renate Stendhal

    Very funny and fun to read! It was only a question of time that raunch culture would arrive at weddings, wasn't it?