• Nina Chong
  • Thoughts on the Life Companion with God as my love.
Thoughts on the Life Companion with God as my love.
Contributor
Written by
Nina Chong
December 2009
Contributor
Written by
Nina Chong
December 2009
It's a little difficult no?--For some women to live independently without seeking or looking to a man? Perhaps, for some of us it is not so; the past and present causes people to do and not do many things. For me, it is difficult to not have somebody. It is difficult because until a certain point in my life I had nobody. Then some guy came along and became the only somebody I ever had, and ever since then I have been trying to fill the spot of that somebody. Somebody. I think we're all looking for that Somebody. Whether it is a friend, a lover or family member, we are looking for somebody. We are creatures of accompaniment--even if that accompaniment involves our own sorrow or joy in solitude. We temporarily find it too and involve those moments in what we call our "highs and lows". When we've got someone we don't really have that "low" that those who believe themselves to be alone experience. It's really something isn't it? I wonder at all if a relationship with a lover can begin without wooing or catty come-on's. If the aesthetic of the ever-popular high school lean-on-the-locker is not the only way two people get together. There's go to be something deeper than that--something closer to the real chick flicks. The ones that are not filled with flirtatious comments right off the bat. There's got to be a fairytale that exists solely because it is real and as not been tampered with. There has to be fairytale that means more than mere mediocre sugary sweet acts of love. I think a fairytale coming true for my knight in shining armor would be hard to wait for. I am impatient as it is although I do my best to appreciate my life as a single girl who is a lover of God. I love God with all my heart and I am learning how much He loves me..but I cannot ignore that I would like a little companionship from somebody who understands. Not just any understanding--the kind of understanding a guy can give. I long for the time when I will be in a relationship with a guy who is my best friend and loves God more than me.. Because I will love God more than I love him. I'm not boy-crazy. I have never been boy crazy. I don't think a lot of people are cute..As a matter of fact, I don't generally believe any one is cute until I have had at least two conversations with him. I just know that God has fliled the huge space in my heart and has left a smaller space for whoever the man in my life will be.. I just wish I had that smaller space. I find it funny that I complain about the annoying nuances of flirting and "coming on" to girls when it is quite difficult to know whether a man likes you or not without them. I wish people would just plaster things like that up and then continue with whatever process they were on to getting t know the other person of interest. I mean, how are you supposed to know if someone really likes you if you just met them? How do you know if the guy you're talking to is just that--(oddly and awkwardly) friendly in the sweetest and funniest way that makes you smile? You can't know! If they are not flirting with you all out and about you can't know unless someone who knows the other person well tells you! (Clearly this has been on my mind a while..lol) Otherwise, all of the questions that begin "Inquiring minds would like to know..." must be ignored to preserve some dignity. lol.

I suppose I am merely impatient. I want to know and have issues with things I do not and cannot know (which, as many of us I'm sure will agree are near and many in between..) it is better to wait until the right time. I don't believe in soul mates really..I believe in time being untampered with. I believe that, romantic/relational love with the right guy lasts when it is the right time for both people. Mind you, that may not necessarily mean you or he thought it was or would be the right time. I suppose that is another tricky part to it all... I am not looking for love because I have already found it in God. I looking for companionship with someone that is love. I am looking for something that becomes love and begins with relation, closeness, and friendship. I believe in those moments that involve sitting on my bed and talking about anything. I believe in the laughter between two people who don't want to do anything else together other than spend time with each other. I believe in two people's big smiles while watching a movie and I believe in the serious moments two people share. It just so happens that hugs and kisses can be found anywhere and I could buy myself a dozen roses any time I like.(Or when I'm paid, anyway. lol) I want to be over the relationship high that my X-boyfriend put me in. That's all he was about--those stupid meaningless acts that facade themselves with the idea of love inspired inertia.

I kinda just wanna walk around with someone and laugh at stuff.. Is the simplicity so wrong? Must it be plagued and contaminated by the human habit of unnecessary decor? I'd rather mine not be. I'd rather the decor come after the walking. I'd rather sit in Central Park on the stone wall next to the water and all comfortable--watching the people pass and basking in the moment of being--Being everything that is that present time. I want to laugh with somebody who is really laughing with me. I feel many times as though friends are sometimes obligated to laugh with you. They are expected to laugh with you. I want my life companion to be somebody who laughs at me or with me because they can't believe the person I am and how awesome and happy it feels to be with me. & I want that feeling to be mutual.

In the end, there are many things I want. I am very grateful for what I have though, and even more grateful to God for showing me what love and grace is. I can say that I feel true love that surpasses any kind of love humans can give and I am amazed by it. God's love is no joke--it is truly the most amazing feeling I have ever had. I have never felt more precious and wanted than I do right now. I love Him so dearly for that and many other things He has done and showed me in my life. So to me, this "issue of men" is not an issue of men or love at all. It is an issue of lifelong companionship that BRINGS happiness and love. GOD IS , already, LOVE.

Let's be friends

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Comments
  • Tinamarie Bernard

    A beautifully rendered and heartfelt exploration. Thank you for sharing your honesty. I muse about love, and seldom read this level of vulnerability. I'd like to make your acquaintance here, and invite you to read some of my words too. Conscious love, T