The Darkest Hours
Written by
Nino Gugunishvili
August 2018

Your heart is almost in your throat as you’re waiting for that email or that one call… You had numerous cups of coffee already, or maybe even a glass of scotch while waiting and your head is heavy with reoccurring migraine. You are so looking forward to that one email, several lines of it, or a phone call with an unfamiliar voice speaking to you, spreading those fantastic news, or a meeting   which would possibly change many things: your career and well, your life in general maybe.  Maybe not… You can barely concentrate on anything else than a blinking computer screen checking your email every hour, then every thirty minutes and then every fifteen minutes with your trembling fingers. You’re checking your phone screen as well.  The “maybe not” part of it feels unbearable.  Sounds familiar?

  Even long before the deadline for that email to arrive, or a mysterious, long awaited number to pop up at your phone screen, deep down you try to persuade yourself that there will be no Yes. There will be a No and you would have to live with it, because after all, it’s just another rejection, another useless punch and hit into the brick wall that throws you far away from your plans, your goals and you dreams.

That brick wall as you often imagine, is immovable no matter how hard you try, how strongly you’re willing to destroy it, no matter how much of an effort you put in ruining it. You start assuring yourself that if you’re emotionally and mentally ready for a rejection it might be less painful when it happens, and so you’re playing and replaying those rejection scenarios in your head in order to be ready, almost writing those rejection letters to yourself, choosing the wording, polite and clear, too clear and concise. You’re writing them not to have an unexpected heartbreaking surprises,you’re imagining them to be ready and armed and  strong, and able to move forward, to distance yourself from it and try to hide it in a secret compartment of your  brain where you hide all of your missteps, unrealized dreams and setbacks and painful, those  tearing you apart No’s. You’re writing them, because what you’ve learned from being an author is that you have to lower your expectations, that writing, as a profession, from the process of creating your first draft to your book publication might be dramatically different from what you have imagined, that it requires all the patience you’re able to possess and all the passion you have for writing that would help you and motivate you not to quit, even at your darkest hours as a writer. You’re writing them up in your mind, or hearing the very polite, encouraging rejections over the phone, because you’re more used to be prepared for the worse than for the good and it’s not right, because  it is not right to let the fear of rejection to win over you.  Quitting and giving up on something you dream of, of something you love doing is the easiest part. Moving on is much harder. I’m still learning how to do it, how not to project negative thoughts and believe, have confidence.  I’ve failed and I’m still failing often.  I’m still figuring out how to stay detached from rejections. Maybe I’ll buy a little toy hammer. I guess I’ll need it to smash down those brick walls, real or imagined in front of me and then, I know there will be butterflies on the cover. On the cover of my new book.  

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