Growing Into True Love

True love stories never have endings.  ~Richard Bach

I met and married my husband, Phillip, over 20 years ago.  When I married him I would have said that I needed him in my life.  He was the first person I had felt utterly safe around.  I knew that he would protect me with his own life.  Since I come from a background of child sexual abuse as well as physical and emotional abandonment from my mother, to say I did not trust others is an understatement.  In the beginning I tested him.  I made him jump through flaming hoops to see if he was worthy of my trust.  Despite all my efforts and flaming hoops, he over and over again proved himself trustworthy.

Humans are Meant to Connect to One Another

Needing others in our lives is human nature.  As a human being we are meant to connect with others cognitively and emotionally [we won't discuss physically for reproductive purposes] and our brains are wired to do so.  When humanity was emerging, collective living was important to our survival. 

To need someone implies dependency and attachment.  Our psychological reasons for needing someone vary the spectrum from feeling safer when that person is around, like I feel with Phillip, to unhealthy psychosis which needs professional help from a therapist, which I am not.  [Please seek professional help.]  Humans require others to add variety to our lives, for significance, to have fun, to love and be loved, to help us grow and for us to contribute back to humanity.  These types of human needs are meant as ways for us to connect.

Some People are in our lives for seasons.

So do we ever outgrow people? Yes, we can out grow our relationships if they were based on fulfilling a certain need which we have fulfilled in other ways as we grow as individuals.  Sometimes the universe helps with this by moving them or us to another location.  Sometimes we just grow apart.  Not necessarily a bad thing, just a part of life as not all people are to be in our lives for the long haul.  

Does this mean we love that person any less?  No it doesn't.  Love is based on more than wanting another to fulfill a need.  It is a mutual agreement to share one’s life; the growth, the setbacks, the fun, the variety, the milestones with another.  Real love never ends.  

Growing Into True Love

I no longer need to have Phillip near me to feel safe.  I do sleep a lot better according to my Sleep Number® bed when he is with me, but I have learned that I can keep myself safe when he is not next to me.  Do I love him any less?  Not at all.   I love him more because he helped me to learn how to be safe without him.  True love wants the best for the other person and since love is not selfish, if that person is better without us we are willing to leave.  Love is a connection, not an attachment.  True love may come about due to need, but need and attachment it is not what sustains love.  

When we marry the love we feel for one another is like nothing else.  After 20 years it is very different.  It's not that there are fewer emotions, or less hopes, or less love; there is more trust, more truth, more authenticity, more forgiveness and more comfort.  Love is emotional compatibility that is enhanced as time goes by.  When love perseveres, we prove that true love never fails.  




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