• Stella Painfree
  • Have You Ever Wanted Something So Badly That You Almost Believed It Is Already Yours?
Have You Ever Wanted Something So Badly That You Almost Believed It Is Already Yours?
Written by
Stella Painfree
October 2019

Like when you were a small kid you dreamt of a kitten for your birthday. You counted the days. You knew how much fun you would have with your new pet. It should be a white one. A cute white bundle of joy. You decided to call it Snowy, chose a place for it to sleep where she would roll herself into a ball and make you smile every time you look at her. You imagined how you would go to school and tell all your mates about your new little friend and everyone would beg you to show them your Snowy. And you would choose the lucky ones and bring them home and show them your white love.

And then the Day comes. You wake up, run to the piles of beautifully packed gifts, don’t pay attention to anything. You are searching for her, your Snowy. And she isn’t there. You are disappointed and leave crying. Your parents don’t understand what is wrong. They got the best gifts for you, and yet you left like you don’t care. But how can you explain to them that you don’t need any gifts? You need Snowy. Your Snowy, the one who sleeps nested up to you in the night, the one your friends love so much, the one that scratches your arm to get your attention. The one you never had.

Like that boy in your high school when you were fifteen. The one all girls wanted to be with. The one who you gave the most mysterious looks hoping secretly he would look back and your eyes would meet and he would fall in love with you. And one day he looks back and your eyes meet and you believe that’s it. That’s the moment when he fell for you. And since that day nothing is the same. You know he loves you. You imagine him asking you out. You picture your first date. Romantic moon walk, first kiss in the moonshine. Him smiling at you. You smiling back. You hear him saying “I love you” and you whisper it back. And you cannot imagine yourself more happy. The guy of your dreams is really yours. Until the moment when you see him kissing one of the most popular girls in the school. Your guy. The one you planned to marry. The one you wanted to have kids with. Two girls. Maybe even twins. Your guy. The one who does not even know you exist.

Like when you want just a call, or maybe a message. When you want to hear simple words from someone you love. You feel sad and low and you only want to hear their voice. You want them to say all those words they are used to say when you are upset. You want them to be with you. You only need this one call and you want them to make that call. You want it so badly that you believe it will happen. No matter what. You know it will happen and you will get that damn call. You almost hear your cell ringing. You know it will. And you are waiting and waiting and waiting… And nothing happens. The phone is silent. Not a beep. Nothing. Not even a message. You decide to wait a little more. Then a little more and more and more. Nothing changes. And you are all alone in this world. Trying to calm that sadness. Trying not to cry. Trying to find excuses. Trying to ignore those un-voiced thoughts, those un-shared news, those lived-alone-through emotions. Succeeding for a moment which is long enough for you to fall asleep. Waking up in the morning and still having all those un-expressed feelings in your heart. And it aches badly.

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