Why you don’t Fit in and How to be Okay with it
Written by
Terri Kozlowski
November 2019
Written by
Terri Kozlowski
November 2019

We’re all born unique individuals.  Even identical twins have distinct personalities.  Since we all arrive on this planet as separate entities, why do we try so hard to fit in?  Why do we want to be “normal”?  Why is our uniqueness a cause of fear, so much so, that we want to hide away our authentic selves?


We spend the first ten years of our lives being unique and authentic, then the next ten years of our lives trying to fit in.  Somewhere along the way, who we truly are gets lost.  As the ego instills fear into us, we start to believe that we need to wear masks in order to be accepted.  Yet, most of us talk about wanting people to be who they really are, to be authentic and their unique selves.  This is the paradox we all find ourselves in. 


If we want others to be their true selves then we need to reciprocate and be our unique selves as well.  This is the only way to be true to our beliefs and to our souls.  In doing this we will weed out those people on our lives that prefer the masks that we wear.  So how do we go about being our unique selves knowing that we may lose friends in the process?  Here are four ways for you to be okay with being your authentic self.


You laugh at me because I’m different I laugh because you’re all the same. ~ Jonathan Davis


1. Accept Who We Are


Accepting ourselves sounds simple, but since we’ve been wearing disguises to fit in with others, we may not remember who we truly are.  You were your authentic self when you were a child, so reach back into your memories and recall those things that you enjoyed.  Or, you can recall those trying times as an adolescent when you were altering yourself to fit in.  What ways did you change, so that you would feel accepted?  This will help you remember who you actually are. 


If something you normally do in private would embarrass you in public, that trait is part of the real you.  Those things in yourself that the ego has told you others find weird are part of your true self.  The part of you that is different from the rest of your friends is who you really are.  Your uniqueness is the authentic you that you need to accept. 


Once you’re able to accept your differences, the unique parts of yourself, your weirdness; then you’re able to let go of the fear and understand that you were always meant to be one of a kind.  You’re an amazing individual, but if you’re hiding behind the armor and masks that the ego said were needed to be accepted, then no one else will see how wonderful you are.


It took me years to realize that 'normal' is actually super boring and that being myself was harder but infinitely more rewarding.  ~ Franchesca Ramsey

2. Be Fully Present


Being fully present allows your authentic self to emerge as the ego evaporates.  Only in the present moment can one be truly themselves.  Why, because the past and the future are projections of the ego.  Remember that the ego is the labeling mechanism.  The ego determines what is safe and what “normal” is.  But right now, in this minute, the ego doesn’t exert itself as our authentic being occupies the present. 


So, by fully participating in this moment in time, our authentic self takes over.  That is why when we are alone or in the flow of creativity, magic happens.  Your true self is in control when time passes and you don’t realize it.  This is a natural state that human beings were to be in, yet many people rarely experience in this magical state of awareness


Being fully present is where our strength comes from.  It’s the time where we are our toughest.  It’s when we have less fear and more confidence.  Our resilience comes forth, love is the only response, and peace exists.  In this moment all is well with our soul and we are happy just the way we are.  We’re not trying to fit in we’re just being.


I realized that my strength was being different. ~ Betsey Johnson


3. Trust Your Intuition


Now that you are fully present, you’re going to start to feel yourself trying to communicate with itself.  This is called your intuition.  It has always tried to connect with you but your ego has worked very hard to keep you from hearing it.  We all have innate knowledge, but are you able to access it?

Our intuitions, that gut feeling, are the part of our authentic self that is still connected to the Divine which is trying to speak to us.  When we choose to listen we tend to have a better life experience as we are following our internal guide.  However, if we disregard the feeling, we are ignoring our true selves and allowing outside influences to navigate our lives.

Our awareness of these external influences is a vital component in acknowledging who is in control of our lives.  We need to be empowered to trust that only we know what is in our own best interest.  We can ask for opinions and guidance but it’s ultimately our choice.  Who knows better than we do what we need?

Hearing your intuition occurs when we are quiet in the present moment.  Once we are still and mindful, our innate understanding comes forth and we are better able to move through our lives with peacefulness and as our true selves, we fit in where ever we are.


I'm not different for the sake of being different, only for the desperate sake of being myself.  ~ Vivian Stanshall


4. Authentically Communicate


Authentic communication is actually listening and understanding what one another says which would only be truthful and open conversing that is also compassionate. In other words, authentic communication is honest but not unkind.  It’s a requirement if we want real loving relationships with others. 


It’s the way we set personal boundaries with those we have relationships.  Having them in place allows us to communicate our needs and desires clearly and succinctly without fear of repercussions.  It is also used to set limits so that others don’t take advantage of us or are allowed to hurt us.  It’s a way for us to practice self-care and self-respect.


More, importantly, authentic communication allows us to be ourselves and others to be themselves. It’s how we truly connect with others.  It allows love to be the answer to all the questions.  It’s realizing that what the ego calls normal is nonexistent.  We all have our idiosyncrasies, those traits that make us unique.  We need to learn to understand and get along with other people’s personality quirks. By doing so we learn that fitting in isn’t in our best interest after all. 


We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love. ~ Robert Fulghum


Moving Forward 


We are all different.  But, we don’t have to be afraid of our differences.  No need for comparison.  We need to embrace them.  We’re all intelligent in our own unique way.  Beauty is within each of us, it’s part of the differences we see in one another.  Being the same, fitting in, being normal is boring. Who wants to be boring? Not me, and neither do you.


So, being different and not fitting in, isn’t a negative thing after all.  We are all born to stand out not blend in, as we are all born unique individuals.  Choosing to be okay with not fitting in is the first step in maintaining your authenticity with others and be happy with yourself.  


Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. ~ Cecil Beaton


As you decide to accept your authentic self and become conscious about your mindset, you can alter the course of your life.  If you would like to receive more enlightening articles right into your email fill this out now.


Do you need help becoming aware of your own mindset?  Do you need support in letting go of your fears?  Do you want a strategy to help you create a marvelous life?  If so please contact me and we can put together an action plan for you to be authentically you and for you to know that you are enough.

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