Dear Coronavirus,

It’s without a single regret that I have to reject your offer of taking me to a journey in which I have absolutely no intention or interest to participate. For your information, I’ve herewith enclosed several points to highlight why. I sincerely hope you’ll find them convincing and I also hope our tête-à-tête meeting will be timely postponed to an unidentified future. 

So, here are the issues I’d like to identify and draw to your immediate attention. 

1. I’ve never eaten falafel!  Yes,  no matter how strange it may sound, falafel is what I intend to eat first thing when self-isolation and social-distancing are over. No, I don’t like alcohol. Just a glass of red wine, on Friday evenings preferably. I also want to eat Mille-Feuille and the tastiest one I’ve ever had is very far from where I live, so you get the point. You’d probably wonder why all of my wishes are gastronomical, but you should probably know that eating is related to pleasure and pleasure is related to happiness and happiness means endorphins! 
2. I definitely have to go to the sea. I’ve downloaded an exercise app and I’m now regularly doing knee tucks, and planks and there’s no doubt I’ll have a perfect body by the summer. It’s bikini time! Do you even know what Bikini is? Well, in short, it’s a socio-cultural phenomenon.
3. I’m planning to meet up with my friends regularly. Please, also be aware, that we’re planning to travel excessively. Yes, ‘travel’ will soon be the ‘fifty is the new forty,’ ‘orange is the new black’ type of trend. I advise you to note that.
4. Soon, I’ll own a house, I also plan to own two dogs and a cat. Maybe even a horse, a donkey, and a goat!  I’ll have to adjust to living outside the city, decorate that house with a garden and live there whenever I want.  There’s no room to interfere and don’t you dare ruin that plan.
5. I have to write books. Novels, stories, essays.  I don’t want to bore you with details. Let’s just say I have to write. And, also read, and also watch TV and films and also simply lay on the couch and be a couch potato and never feel guilty about it, and walk in the streets of my beautiful city, and of many other cities in the world.
6. I plan to get ‘completement désolé’ as my wonderful French teacher used to say, meaning I want to get unapologetically drunk at a wedding with all the singing and dancing. 
7. I need to buy a coffee machine and drink gazillions of Nespresso and blissfully smoke cigarettes on my balcony or outside the cafes and restaurants, and laugh until I pee with my friends. Oh, and please, do not worry about my consumer passions or my bad habits.  They, allow me to stress, are none of your business.
8.  Lastly, let me remind you, that ‘La Vita e Bella,’ no matter how hard you try to prove otherwise.

Yours sincerely,

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