“Who do you want to be in the coming year?” asked my friend on Facebook. “List three things that describe the person you're going to try to be this coming year.” And the answers came. I want to be wise, one person posted. Brave, said another. Aware. Compassionate. Kind, wrote others. Patient, present, persistent.
It was a wonderful exercise—and the answers were inspiring. And yet I found myself unable to respond. When I tried to come up with a list of qualities I wanted to cultivate, I just felt tired. In in the end, I posted one single phrase: I just want to be me.
This is the time of year when people start talking about resolutions. Even people who don’t make written lists of resolutions can hardly avoid reflecting on the year as it draws to a close, and to envision the coming year as a fresh start. We all start imagining the ways we’re going to be better people, writers, parents, and partners. We think about how we're going to get more done, be more successful, achieve our goals.
I recently read an article on self-improvement using software development as a metaphor. The article literally said you should never be satisfied with the way you are. You should continually add new “features” to yourself—new skills, habits, and experiences. You should fix “bugs” in your life. You should even think about what “major upgrade” you should implement.
The first sentence that went through my head as I read the article was, Human beings aren’t computer programs. The second was, What a miserable way to go through life. To be continually dissatisfied with yourself? To see yourself as riddled with “bugs” that need to be “fixed”? What a perfect recipe for unhappiness.
I'm coming more and more to see this constant mental chatter about making ourselves better better better as a bit misguided. I think it’s time we all took a deep breath and practiced a little self-acceptance.
Don't I want to be better at everything I do? Of course! I imagine myself a writer who never gets blocked or frustrated or tired, the most brilliant professor my university students ever had, everyone’s best friend in the world, and a person who is unfailingly selfless, humble, and kind.
But, when it comes right down to it, the only thing I can really be is who I am. To work hard, remember to rest and breathe, take time for family and friends, and enjoy the journey of my writing and my life.
“I find that when we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works,” writes author Louise Hay. That’s what I’m going for as 2015 approaches. Not to try and do more or be more. But to be me.
Try this: Instead of coming up with a list of resolutions for the New Year, think of one single way you can practice self acceptance. Write it down--and share it here.
Jill Jepson is the author of Writing as a Sacred Path.
Receive her free weekly strategies for writers.
Sherrie, what a lovely example you give. You illustrate so perfectly the problem so many of us face--the constant worry that we're not doing enough, not being enough. Beautifully articulated!
I love what you are saying here, Bella! To think that 18 and 80 are both wonderful! Thank you for reminding me of that.
Love this article. I was having a discussion just a month ago with a friend about how when I think about my dream day I get up, I go to a cafe and I write for 2 or 3 hours. And now that my little girl is in daycare I have been able to do this most days. (I work part time now instead of full time). And I found myself stressing out about it, like I was not doing enough. Yes I was writing, but was the writing any good? Was it fast enough? With another baby arriving soon I need to do more, be more, get it all done while I can!!!
And then I came back to myself and told myself to calm down, breathe and enjoy. That I am in a period of life where I can produce less and still be extremely productive. To enjoy the moment. And if the moment is bad to wait and see why, and change it if necessary. But to stop inviting trouble into my life when it doesn’t exist. Just to be present and to be me.
So thank you for such a great article!
Amen. This is great, Jill. The one singe way I can practice self acceptance this year is to let myself be exactly where and who I am—and quit resisting WHAT IS. Life is sacred. Every bit of it. Even the tough parts. And contrary to what our culture leads us to believe—especially where women are concerned—each stage of life is equally rich. Youth is no better than middle or old age. Magic, growth, love and learning are available to us whether we're 18 or 80! Isn’t that wonderful!
Thanks, Karen! I hope you enjoy my weekly strategies!
As a focus, self-acceptance is a fantastic way to build up a sense of gratitude as well. Liked and shared...and of course I am signed up to receive your weekly Writing a Sacred Path inspirations.
Beautifully said, Judith Liebaert!
Great thoughts! As a midlife mentor and creativity coach, I have urged my clients to learn to love themselves first and loving their life will automatically follow. I believe, as with all things in life, there is a balance to be achieved; we don't want to embrace mediocrity or stagnate in life, anymore than we want to exhaust ourselves with the pursuit of over achievement. It's about making the changes (improvements some might say) that are right for your own wellness and enrichment.
Judith Liebaert
aka the MAD Goddess, living the second half of life with Purpose, Passion and Pizzazz!
www.madgoddess.com
@MAD-Goddess1 on Twitter
Thanks, Kelly Hayes-Raitt. I hope you enjoy my weekly strategies!
Very well said, B. Lynn Goodwin!
Jill, great post! Love this line: Instead of coming up with a list of resolutions for the New Year, think of one single way you can practice self acceptance.
Gonna have to meditate on that one...
Just signed up for your Sacred Path weekly email. Looking forward to reading more!
Kelly Hayes-Raitt
Excellent. I've grown tired of knowing I could do better. "You're just fine," doesn't mean I wallow in complacency. It means I don't have to waste energy beating myself up.
www.writeradvice.com
Thank you, Mardith Louisell and Katherine A Sherbrooke! I'm so glad you liked this piece. Katherine, your technique is perfect. Most of us look in the mirror and immediately go to what isn't wonderful. It's time we changed that!
My favorite line: "I'm coming more and more to see this constant mental chatter about making ourselves better better better as a bit misguided." I don't think we are wonderful. I think we are, well, we are who and what we are. Nothing to do but live with it.
I love this sentiment. My favorite phrase of my mother's was/is: "Aren't we wonderful!" I find the best way to practice self-acceptance is to look yourself right in the mirror and tell yourself you are wonderful. Give it a try. It really does work!