A funny thing happened when I turned 49. My back went out. OK, maybe more ironic than funny. On the day of the first day of my last year in my 40s (did you follow that?), my back went into a spasm of stiffness and pain, and I made old lady noises all day like, “oyyyy” and “oooofff”.
I let myself off the hook for the day since everyone was supposed to be catering to me anyway, because I was the birthday queen after all. I didn’t do much activity unless you count the repeated fork lifts of chocolate torte to my mouth.
But when I woke up the next day, my back was still sore and stiff. I sat in my favorite chair with the heating pad on, gulping coffee and ibuprofen, feeling sorry for old, decrepit me. Then, I got kind of annoyed with myself. My inner Mulie Julie (my mom’s childhood nickname for me--totally unfair, of course), kicked in and I decided to get my butt out of the chair and go for a walk.
Within two minutes of leaving the house, I was seized by a spasm. I placed my hand on my back and contemplated the wisdom of hiking up the mountain. I looked at my faithful Dog-Dog and hoped, in the spirit of Lassie, if I were to fall victim to pain and become coyote bait, he would run home to my kids sitting on the deck. Bark! Bark! Bark!: the old lady has fallen and she can’t get up!
On second thought, I’d be screwed. But I continued on anyway. And, as predicted, the more I walked, the better my back felt. By the top of the first hill it was less stiff; by the top of the third hill, it was even kind of feeling better. I was so glad I pushed through! Dog-Dog ate poop, rolled in poop and drank from a muddy puddle. I was right; he would have been no help at all.
Does this look like a face I can trust?
The Moral Of The Story
The last several months I have struggled to find my writing mojo through the distractions and demands of life. I couldn’t seem to find inspiration, nor could I find motivation. I was left feeling like maybe my writing dream had run its course. Doom and gloom!
But then I remembered my dratted childhood nickname and the advice in all the writing books to just kept writing, every day. So I did. I wrote some really bad posts that will never see the light of day. I wrote journal entries full of lamenting and angst. I took my journal to the river and wrote sappy prose. I wrote posts about my stress I never thought anyone would read. But I wrote, every day. I aimed for a 1000 words, even if it was a 1000 words of useless babble.
I wrote. I climbed one hill, then another, until finally, one day, the writing seemed less stiff and forced.
I’m not naïve enough to assume I won’t go through a writing desert again. But I really do think there is something to the adage to never quit writing, even if it’s a lot of garbage that no one else will ever read. Write and practice. Express. Keep the habit of thoughts-to-paper flowing. Most of all, don't let the insecurity and fear drown you. Just...
Keep Writing,
Julie
Hi Diane-- thanks for stopping by and the comment. My back, fortunately, was better by the second day, but life still manages to get in the way of our writing goals, sometimes. I hear that! Your book sounds great-- hope you find your way through it.
Very encouraging. I've been struggling for two years now, trying to get my 4th book past chapter 4. Life kind of got in the way and it's been a bit tough. Tonight I just sat at my computer and forced myself to write. I finally got Colt Weston to Cheyenne, and Justy McCarren (the girl) where she needs to be. How Colt and Justy meet is true because it happened to me in Valentine, NE. What an interesting evening. I enjoyed reading this post. It makes me realize that it's not just me struggling to get past life's little ups and downs. Thanks, Julie. I hope your back gets better soon.
Thank you Linda. Yes, I do resistance training with bands which I started in physical therapy. My orthos want me completely one-on-one supervised for form because of all my injuries. It will be a while (if ever) that I can add actual weights but I find the resistance bands really help. I have no health insurance and make my living from counseling and book royalties so I have to spread my training out and my Pilates/Yoga instructor does resistance band workouts with me as well.
Julie: You are not silly!!! A bad back is a horrible thing. Out of all my injuries it is the one most consistently painful. I find some relief from some of the others but lower back pain is a constant. In any event, thank you for the compliment. In addition to the osteoporosis, I was widowed 4 years ago this Saturday and broke both my foot and my hand during my husband's 11 month illness (brain cancer). I truly believe that some of my injuries are grief injuries as people who are grieving are very accident prone. This is another subject I try to shed light on as women are more prone to osteoporosis but tend to live longer than their husbands. All of my injuries happened after Michael's diagnosis and I think that had I not been in such devastation or if he had been here, I might have avoided most of them. I just hope my story helps others to take care of their bones and their hearts and minds. After I finish this book I'm under contract for, I am going to publish the blog I kept during his illness and death (one of the projects I really want to get to) with additions about the grief process including grief injuries and taking care of yourself while caring for another (or others) as women are the caregivers of the world for the most part. Thank you all for being here. I truly appreciate this group.
Susan, I feel silly talking about a bad back in the light of the challenges you have overcome and continue to battle to live your dream. YOU have encouraged me to keep writing and working towards my goals.
I'm glad you appreciated my raising the subject. After I added my comment I thought about it and hoped I wasn't over-stepping. You're right; it's a subject all women should take notice of. I wish you well. As a fitness professional, I encourage women all the time to do resistance training to build bone density - it's not all about a thin waist and lovely legs. Our bones carry us through life - we need them. If you'd like, take a look at my blog, The Literary Leotard www.lindarosen.blogspot.com. I give all kinds of fitness tips in my posts. Be well...
Thank you Linda for raising that subject. I do take calcium and Vitamin D3 for my bones as well as daily Forteo injections as I have advanced osteoporosis which began in my early 40s as osteopenia (I started perimenopause at age 33!!!). If I want to live into my 60s and 70s, I have to do everything I can right now. I encourage all women to start with calcium and D3 (and all the Bs as well) in their 20s and 30s. A good, reputable fish oil is also good to add to your daily supplements. No one really wants to be breaking bones at this rate at a young age (young for osteoporosis). I also do not get enough protein so I supplement with protein shakes. I walk, take Pilates and Yoga and try to keep my weight down so I don't have added stress on my bones. Thank you again for raising the subject. It's important for all women to know, especially if they have sedentary jobs or spend a certain amount of time sitting every day (as writers tend to do).
Susan - I know what it's like not to have your writing hand after two surgeries, one for a thumb joint replacement and one for a broken wrist. I feel for you. My breaks don't compare to yours - you've had too many. In addition to writing, why not pop some calcium or chew Viactive? We've got to keep those bones strong - and keep writing. Tenacity. Good luck. Let us know when your projects are ready for the world to see.
Having fractured my back, my hand (in an unconventional, doctors have never seen way before), my knee and my foot in the past 4 years I really like this article. I have had days (especially after breaking my right hand twice, once on each side, the second one I refused to have casted as I was under book contract and the first one never healed right) where I am physically unable to write. I tried dictation/transcription when things were really bad but that turned into a terribly expensive endeavor that didn't work out at all. Although people tell me I write the way I talk, I obviously don't talk the way I write. My thoughts do not flow that clearly if not being typed. I just had a lot of rambling, jumbled pages that I paid dearly for. I am going to print this out and put it by my table as a reminder to get this book finished and put some touches on a few other projects I have ready for when this thing is in production. Thank you for the post.
Hi Anne-- I like how you used the phrase: unsexy thing, persistence. I think that's so true. It's easy to get these glamorous or sexy images in our head about a lot of things, including writing, when ultimately it comes down to identifying your passion and being willing to work at it. Sometimes we have to work at finding the passion!
Persistence.... Just yesterday i was speaking with the participants in one of my tai chi classes about this--how it's not shining talent or amazing inspiration that carries the day in learning or achieving something, but this very unsexy thing, persistence. So it is great to see the same theme running through the posts here. And "exercise"--mind and body. Oh yeah. We're not sure why we need to write, but it seems we must--just like the need to stretch and move.
Thanks everyone for these honest, inspiring posts and for Julie giving us all a little push in the direction of our pens, pencils, computers, etc.
Hi Marybeth, and the analogy goes even a step further for me.As a natural-born couch potato, I'd never workout if left to my own moods and inclination. But I do almost every day. It's a discipline because I know it keeps me healthy. Sometimes writing feels like that for me too. Other days, the lucky ones, it just flows.
Great post, Julie! I once had a fellow writing student tell me, writing is like exercise. The more you practice, the stronger you'll be. So may we all exercise our writing muscles with consistency and courage!
Jenny, first and foremost I'm so sorry for your family's tragedy and the pain you all are experiencing. Thoughts of comfort and peace to you all.
I had to take a bit of a break due to a few family things in July as well. I tried to keep at least writing in my journal but also didn't berate myself it that didn't get done. I'm so impressed you found clarity in your focus when you returned to your work! Thanks for the love for the dog-dog. Sigh, he's a lovable mess.
Kelly, thanks so much for adding your encouraging thoughts to the responses. I love how determined we all are to continue to write, to heed our calling.
I sat down to my computer to continue working on my "book" that has plagued me for years now - I know the message, but struggle with the confidence that anyone would care to read it. It's a personal narrative. I joined this community a while back, but have been occupied with life's distractions and demands. I look at the headlines of the emails, and save them all in a folder with the intent on "getting to it when stuff lets up".... and well - obviously you KNOW the drill! When I saw this - I READ it as opposed to SAVING it - and felt an immediate "I am NOT alone"! Especially as I read the comments that preceded me..... so here I am - writing. I too have notebooks of journals, and I too prefer to write with a pen and paper. I can't go anywhere overnight, or for a long period without carrying my journal with me - it's my most important possession. So comforting to read this post and all the comments that came along with it! Thanks ladies!
Marian: The journal is one of the most helpful and sometimes painful tools I know. Like you, I collect notebooks, pens and love the act of writing and also like you, I think I sometimes avoid it from the fear of what will flow. It is like a blood-letting of the emotions sometimes. Here's to us: writing, giving, digging, creating and ultimately sharing.
Did I ever need this! Thank! I have 4 books, all of which have fallen victim to writers block and often I have thought that I shouldn't be doing this. But I love it. I find myself drawn to paper, journals, notebooks; I just have to touch It. I have the same love for pens and I love to feel the pen glide over the page and it's magical as words appear from my heart to the paper and then sometimes I feel that it somehow reveals too much and I can't continue. But reveals too much to who? No one has to read it unless I say so. Oh yeah reveal too much to ME! Truth! Inner truth that will probably open me up to be a better writer. someone who can inspire and help, so thanks
Hi Deepa, Oh such a brilliant point about the self-pity. That and fear will choke out anything we may have to write!
Susan, thank you for such a positive and affirming comment. I think She Writes is a wonderful place to learn about the writing experience from all levels of writing. It's a good reminder that this is a collective journey.
Patricia, thanks for checking out my blog. Check in with me after the wedding, when you can breathe calmly again-- would love to cheer you on in your writing.
Hi Cindy, I have greatly enjoyed the conversation and wisdom from fellow writers. THIS is what a writing community is about. And yes, let's keep writing.
Julie, you struck a nerve with this post! I haven't been able to keep up with all the responses, but it sounds like this is a topic that impacts us all on a daily basis. Thanks for opening up the conversation. :)
I appreciated this post as well as all of the comments. Checked out your blog as well. One of these days I will get around to doing what so many are recommending. Glad to hear a wedding is an acceptable distraction from daily writing. Maybe after my wedding . . .
Yours has been one of many posts I've read since joining She Writes....and finally a post got shaped. I like this forum because there is such a lack of judgementalism apparent in what my fellow aspirant writers and published writers post. I wanted to put in a few paise's worth!
Thanks so much for this motivating post, Julie! There are times I wonder why I bother to sit at the computer when nothing worthwhile is emerging. But you're absolutely right. You're in mortal danger if you don't keep the process flowing. And I'd like to add--BEWARE OF SELF PITY! Once you begin to compare yourself to all the brilliantly successful people around and feel you never got a fair chance you're sunk! So let's just KEEP WRITING!
Carol-- I have a writing friend who refers to her editor kitties and muses. I think they soothe her as she writes, as well. I think Julia Cameron has it right when she encourages morning pages. I've been slacking lately, and it makes a difference in my mindset and creativity.
Thanks for the encouragement Julie. I am all over the place with my writing, trying to find my focus, feeling scattered, getting discouraged. Great advice about writing 1000 words every day not matter what. That advice and and words of encouragement are two things we writers cannot get enough of. Or should that be "of which we writers cannot get enough?" :)
Love Dog-Dog. My four-legged buddies are named Cocoa and Pippin and they are actually helpful in getting me in the mood to write. When I sit still long enough to write they both sense that I will be doing something calm and predictable for a while and happily lie down at my feet. Then I feel committed and obligated to stay there. Writing.
Linda-- I'll check it out. Normally, thankfully, I don't. This was a rare glitch. I can't imagine suffering from it chronically!