Brainstorming
This past weekend, I took my two little boys home for a trip to see my family in Texas. About a month before, I did something that one writer friend, at least, thought was crazy: I sent the first third of my novel to my parents. Why would I do such a thing? I guess I just wanted some encouragement and praise, some fuel to help me keep writing, and I said as much in my email. It's hard to get people to read your work, and only one of the seven friends I sent it to has gotten around to reading it yet. And my mom performed her part admirably, reading it post-haste and telling me how wonderful it was. It was the loving support I needed, and that I've always been extraordinarily lucky to count on from both my mom and my dad.
I had begun to wonder, however, why I hadn't heard anything from my dad yet. In addition to being a physician, he is a some-time writer, too, and a really good one. I didn't think too much of it, however: I figured he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. So, over a game of Monopoly with my brother and my boys, I asked, "Hey, did you get to look at the pages I sent?" I was surprised to see a look of discomfort cross his face. "Yes," he said. "What did you think?" I asked him.
"It's for women," he said.
And he said it in that way. The way that's like, "it isn't for me," the way that's like, "it's for children," or "it's for half-wits." Caught entirely by surprise, I muttered something like "yes, it probably will have mostly female readers," and rolled the dice, attempting to conceal my hurt and, to be honest, my sudden attack of embarrassment.
I admit it. On this pronouncement from my dad, I immediately thought: "Oh my god. My novel is a fluffy, silly book 'for women.'" Why would my dad or any other man want to read such domesticated crap? I still can't believe that I thought that, even for a second, but I did.
After all, my main character is a divorced mother of two boys. My book does draw heavily on my experiences as a single mother, a career woman, and a woman, period. And my dad is probably right. Mostly women will read it, because while women are expected to read books about men, even those as intimate and "domestic" as my book is, and consider them venerable commentaries on modern times (why shouldn't they, when the critics do?), men are supposed to look at books about women's lives and say, "oh, that's a 'women's book'" and dismiss them out of hand. (Why not, the critics do!)
I know this territory has been endlessly gone over. Sometimes I get so sick of reading about it, writing about it and thinking about it that I wish I could ignore the whole "woman writer" ghetto-thing. (A pointless strategy, but one that many women writers attempt -- as though protesting that they do not want to be "labeled" women writers will exempt them from the prejudice they face.) But hearing it from my own father, who didn't even finish reading the pages I sent once he'd made this determination, really hurt, and, when I got over my embarrassment, also made me really mad.
It is a tribute to all my years of therapy that that night, after the boys were in bed, I was able to tell him how I felt. It is a tribute to him that he listened, apologized, and, best of all, asked me to help him understand just how damaging attitudes like this are to women writers (and women in general), requesting that we open a dialogue through letters, phone calls and reading lists. I am so lucky to have a dad like mine. He is a loving, compassionate man who listens, and wants to learn, and we are close enough that we were able to begin to have a dialogue about it. (In fairness, he also admitted it was hard for him to read something so evidently based on my life, and that is something I completely respect and understand.)
So my question to you is: what would you tell my dad? What articles, essays or reflections would you send?
I have the beginnings of a list. I'll be sending Francine Prose's "Scent of Woman's Ink," of course, a link to VIDA's "The Count", Katha Pollitt's review of "A Jury of Her Peers" titled, "Scribblers, Unite! Are women writers undervalued because of what they write or how we read?", and a link to the She Writes Radio show I did with Teri Coyne called "Genre, Gender and Race."
But I would love your help as I begin this dialogue, and as I continue to think about how to teach my sons to read. With an openness, I hope, to all great (and sometimes even just entertaining) writing, and an understanding that reading is meant to immerse us not only in worlds we inhabit, but in stories that ask us to imagine, and sympathize with, worlds beyond ourselves.
Kamy, I've finally linked to this site in the blog I mentioned. It took me longer to write than I had expected, and it has turned into a two-part piece. It's at: http:/
I really don't see a problem with your dad feeling that way There are books that women gravitate to more than men. And vice versa. My husband reads non-fiction only, and is not interested in reading my novel. He won't read any of my short stories. It doesn't bother me. My book is womens fiction. I can't see men being that interested in it.
Kamy, you are brave and fearless to have confronted your Dad later and chatted openly with him on the subject. Thank you for an inspiring post, and for speaking openly of a base prejudice which continues to permeate our culture. Joanna Russ has a book, you may know of it: How to Suppress Women's Writing, which talks of much of this and about the attitudes in publishing in the '70s and early '80s she faced--which seem to persist in many ways, sadly. Tillie Olsen's Silences as you may know also talks about "women's writing" "for women."
I just wanted to say too, if you are looking for interim readers of your novel-in-progress, I would be happy to read. I too am in the middle of a novel with a woman protagonist and would be glad to exchange. Best to your novel, and thank you for blogging about it.
Depending on your relationship with your dad, you could say, "What's your point?" or "You could be right. What's your point?" By getting him to truly name what's bothering him, you might be able to open up a discussion about what your story is really about. I suspect it's not about gender.
BTW, I also linked this article to my facebook page.
Kamy, of course! I may simply include this link (and another one I've come across recently) in a blog on Taking Women Seriously (tentative title). Will let you know in this thread when I do.
Kamy, I think it was so brave of you not only to show your work to your parents in the middle of your process of writing, but that you came back later and were able to tell him how you felt. I was moved by his willingness to listen and to try to adjust his perspective. That's real love for sure. The discussions about "women's" books and books for "humans" was excellent too. I have always enjoyed all kinds of literature--much of it written by male authors, only I didn't choose my books based on the gender of the author. I believe that we all have lessons to share with each other as human beings, and each of us has something special to share with our readers. Good luck getting your book done, and thank you for starting She Writes!
And sure, JoAnne, happy for you to repost! Just please link to She Writes, so others can hear about it. :)
Gosh, so many great responses here. Grateful for the links, first of all -- thank you! I also feel like I should clarify something: I will be thrilled and honored to have women read my book. (As has been rightly pointed out here, women are much better readers/bookbuyers than men!) But the suggestion that because a book has a female protagonist, and centers on her life, and therefore does not have a story to tell ALL people, is emblematic of a larger attitude that labels "women" is a genre, and not simply a gender. Women write thrillers, they write scifi, they write historical fiction, they write memoir. And you might like any one of those genres, and want to read work by women AND men in any of them. When women are lumped into one gigantic category, however, that ostensibly can only attract readers who share their gender (not just anybody who likes books in their genre), they are being segregated and demeaned in a way that undermines their artistry and dehumanizes their very human stories.
I've experienced something similar. Not with my parents who were my biggest cheerleaders, but with male friends who thought my novel based on family history from 3 different women's POV "wasn't for them." I think we have to educate people to HUMAN stories, stories that breed compassion and educate readers. I urged a few to read it anyway and they loved it. Women's voices need to be heard. I watched "Half a Sky" on PBS. We have a lot of work to do. Never give up! Stay brave. Our voices have merit.
This is an interesting discussion that taps into many themes. I agree, what is wrong with a book for women when so many are written and published by men? As a writer I have a particular audience in mind for readers of my work. Kamy say's she imagines women will be attracted to it more than men (which is a larger target market anyway than men), but I wonder if the issue started with the role of her father in reading and commenting on the book. Did he know is role? I wonder if the dad saw his role as that of "reader" and not "parent". Should he have been one or the other or both?
Dear Kamy: Thanks this post. First, I think showing your work in progress to your parents is a brave thing to do. But even braver was your follow up on your dad's initial response. I like that you talked with him about his decision to exclude himself from reading the pages because he was a man.
Your post made me think about the novel 'The Days of Abandonment' which was very controversial when it was published in Italy. Written by a woman, Elena Ferrante, who still choses to remain anonymous, men found the book shocking. But so did women because it upset a conventional trope: the woman abandoned by the man does not kill herself, as is usual for such an archetype (Anna Karenina, etc).
But the question remains: how do you read her book? As a woman? Or as a universal story of abandonment?
A great story well told is always universal.
There is a Tuscan toast,I learned on a workshop run by Il Choistro:
'Tucato Uno, Tucato Tutti' which means: 'You touch one, You touch all'
So, let's toast the future where books for women, by women, touch all.
Thanks again for all you do, for dreaming up SheWrites and best of luck with the book!
http:/
tp://www.amazon.com/The-Days-Abandonment-Elena-Ferrante/dp/1933372001/ref=cm_rdp_product
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This is a poignant story of the prejudicial obstacles woman face when trying to write and publish without hiding their identity as a woman. I have taken the cop-out of just using my initials for non fiction (and a pen-name for fiction). I would like your permission to reblog this on my blog site: http:/
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At the risk of raising a tangental thought, what is wrong with a book being 'for women?' Why do we feel the need to apologize for writing as, and for, women? Many, many books are what I would call, "for the boys." I wouldn't read them because I don't relate to them. For example, I tend to prefer women sleuths when I read mystery stories. Most of the writers I choose write every bit as well as those who write 'boy stories' about swashbuckling middle-aged male sleuths, but they speak to my experience and/or dreams, whereas the boys' do not. My point is that you do not have to explain or apologize for writing a woman's book. Nor should your father's comment necessarily be seen as belittling.
Great post Kamy! So many issues here. I'm impressed by your ability to move the discussion towards productive conversations instead of just anger which is where I usually end up! Sometimes when I feel that pressure of not wanting to be a 'woman's writer' I remind myself - why not? Women read!!! And it inspires me to spend more time engaging my son in books he might find interesting.We just read Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie and although it was challenging to say 'boner' and masturbate' aloud while reading to him, it was the first novel to fascinate him and he has been reading more.
What an entertaining column. I enjoyed it, but I'm not having my dad read my manuscript!
Kamy, this is beautifully articulated and I know exactly what you mean! (I also so appreciate Meg's link -- helpful to see.) This makes me want to read your novel even more. xxx Christina
"Little Women" completely revolutionized how I feel about myself as person and as a writer, but I always felt that it was indeed "a woman's book." Until I read this essay about a young boy's experience: http:/
Thank you Meg -- I will send that one along too. :)
There was a terrific piece in the UK Guardian (ironically) about why the "Great American Novel" is so predominantly male. Best discussion I've seen of this problem anywhere: http:/