Two months into this I am struggling still.  I am doing all the right things, such as, going to counseling, reading books on the topic, journaling, praying, taking up new and exciting activities, writing a book for my own therapy, and now blogging. 

I don't think this void will ever leave me. It's dark, twisting, and at times all encompassing.  And it's not fair.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  I keep searching for a reason why, or something that I've done.  I can come up with plenty I've done, but deep down in my heart I think I know this isn't a punishment, and I am only looking to punish myself.  Why is punishing myself so comforting? I'm not sure, but I will leave that for another blog time.

To top things off, I am spending more and more time alone.  As my father in laws cancer progresses, my husband is gone each weekend.  During the week he has overnights for work.  I am suffering alone.  Not to mention the fact that he has a daughter already and I have none.  

Time and time again, each week another of my friends succeeds and is pregnant.  Then I get all confused with my mixed feelings about it.  A part of me is so happy, and another part is insanely jealous.  How can I cope?

My journey went on for 6.5 years, 3 IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 Fresh Egg Donor Cycle and 1 Frozen Egg Donor cycle and no baby.  I had 1 ectopic, 1 chemical, 1 miscarriage and 1 missed miscarriage/blighted ovum.  My doctor said I did it all, with the exception of carrying to term and having a live birth.  I am out of money and here is where my journey ended, August 26th of this year.  Yet I am struggling to reach acceptance.