What do you do while you are waiting for someone to die?
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What do you do while you are waiting for someone to die?

That sounds absolutely awful.  And yet I am sitting in that exact question.  Two years ago after I sold my beloved place in the country and came back to the city, I moved in with my 96 year old mom.  She was getting around really well then – still driving some (yipes!).  The transition of now having a housemate was worse for her – although I had my days of screaming into the pillow. 

We have a great arrangement – I live downstairs in a lovely pseudo-apartment.  She has the upstairs living room, dining room, kitchen, bedroom and den – and the entrance to the garage.  It’s not easy to make it from the garage all the way downstairs, every day, with your stuff.  But, I’ve found it can be done – or suffer the consequences of being treated like you are still 16. 

So at nearly 99, my mother is healthy, still of mostly sound mind (it gets lost sometimes), and we get along really well.  She loves to eat, I love to cook. 

But, her body is worn out.  Her knees don’t work very well – remember they are the original pair - and her hips give her hell.  Now her back is joining the hell.  She sleeps much more and daily asks “why am I still here?”.  However, she mentioned the other night that maybe she was sticking around to 100 just so she could say she did it.  But, she needs help getting into bed, out of bed, to the bathroom, to the dining table, to her den chair. She can’t hear and she can’t see.  You get the idea.

I have become her full time caregiver, although she would never admit that.  Sometimes it’s a thankless job.  But I’d do it anyway. 

I have a business I can work from home.  But there are many days that I simply don’t care to work it.  I’d rather clean the house or do the dishes.  I recently got excited about landscaping the front.  It looks terrific.  My body feels good from the exercise and I’ve loved every moment of playing in the dirt, and admiring the accomplishments each night as I water.  And then I grumble to myself later that I didn’t make a few phone calls to prospects or connect with someone about my products.  Shouldn’t I be concerned about making some money for my future?   Isn’t that my retirement?  And what about getting out to meet people, and spend time with friends?

But, my life is comfortable.  All my material needs are met.  I have time to meditate, write, create, and walk my dogs.

I often feel like I should be getting on with my life.  Like there is something more important I need to be doing - like making a difference in the world. 

And then it dawns on me – I am making a difference in one person’s world.  Regardless of whether my Mom will ever acknowledge it, I do make life bearable and comfortable for her (and for myself).  What I do each day has value.  Planting flowers that bloom makes us smile.  I feel good about that.

So maybe I am where I’m supposed to be – right now.  But can I do this for another 1.5 years?  I guess I’ll know when what I’m doing no longer feels good, or mom’s care requires more than I am able to handle.

My mother has said she is not my responsibility.  However, I have taken that role on and I put the pressure on myself to be here, always, for her.  And, if I have a strong enough calling that would take me away from her, I will know when it is time to go.

So maybe I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing while I’m waiting for her to die.  Now that doesn’t sound so awful.

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  • Sheri L. Swift

    What a beautiful example of love Christine.  : )