A slender French woman wrote a book about why she and her countrywomen are lithe. I haven’t read it. I am sure that I won’t ever get around to reading it. But just the same, I feel certain that I can explain the premise and defend American women at the same time.

French women may order every course on the menu with wine, but they aren’t really eaters. They love to speak that sexy language and roll their R’s. While R rolling and making every word they utter sound erotic, they may pop in an olive and nibble on a bit of crusty bread, but they are not at the table to eat. They are there to sit with their lover and look incredibly svelte before adjourning to a hotel.

American women are rushed. They have a long list of things to do, including squiring children to the bazillion extra-curricular activities, attending PTO meetings, making sack lunches, and putting chickens in Crock Pots.

American women don’t have lovers. They watch reality television instead. The idea of having to shave everything and buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret seems like way too much trouble. American women live in suburbs, where they spend huge amounts of time driving around from one big box store to another, looking for things like mouth guards and medicine for treating jock itch.

French women who are thin live in Paris or Marseilles, where they take the trains and walk leisurely through beautiful parks. French women have au pairs who shop for whatever sporting goods French children need. I think French families also must have cooks, who plan the menus and shop for things like black truffle oil and frisee. I also think that French children eat separately from their parents, who dine at a civilized hour and eat only things on the Mediterranean diet.

American women have perhaps heard of the Mediterranean diet, and sometimes they have some hummus on a corn chip or two. But mostly, American women have to cook for the family. This entails macaroni and cheese, and lots of stuff like Hamburger Helper, which doesn’t exist in Paris, I am sure. After supper, American women have to take somebody to a piano lesson, or a basketball game, and then the famished kids want ice cream after. Mom, of course, might have a little.

French women hate sports. I think they may be aware of soccer, because all the French soccer players are so incredibly sexy. But other than that, if a French child plays a sport, it is the good old au pair that has to schlep him/her around. What do French children want after a rousing game? Probably a café au lait and a pastry of some sort. And who also gets some? THE AU PAIR.

I am getting very defensive about American women. We work very hard! We cook, we clean, we have to do lice checks and watch out for bed bugs at the motels at the swim meets. We go to the gym, yes we do! But in between all of our errands and considerable amount of parenting, the odd Pop Tart or Buster Bar slips in.

French women are slender and sexy. American women luckily have Weight Watchers. We go to the gym, we do yoga, and we have been known to run marathons. We are not always thin. But we are fit, sturdy, and very capable.

French women are svelte, and they wear couture suits and very high heels. They have lovers. They have that gamine look. But my question is this: What condition are all the AU PAIRS in?

Disclaimer: this is strictly my opinion, never having met any French women or even one au pair….