Query Critique


I was hoping you might be able to give me some criticism on my query. Good or bad, I'll take it. I appreciate your opinions.







Dear Agent,

“No strings attached,” those were the words Jessica Connors repeated to her idotic-self as she dressed her naked body and glanced towards the devastatingly handsome face of the man she so outspokenly despised.

Growing up with Jake Williams was tough, but having him stroll into her office one day to announce he was her new boss could only be described as horrific. There was only one thing she could do – sleep with him. She would play with him, tease him, and show him who was really the boss. Simple.

But they had not planned on falling in love with each other. Nor had she planned on getting pregnant. She risks her own life to give the man she loves a chance at being a father; all the while hiding a devastating secret from him. She is dying. She has a choice to make; her life, or the life of her unborn child. But Jessica is hit with a past that is continues to haunt her and risks everything she fought so hard to hide.

Until finally, those strings she promised herself would never be attached, tie knots around her heart to uncover a painfully beautiful love story.

My romance novel, WATCH OVER MY LIFE is complete at 90,000 words.

(Agent personalization)

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Laura-Ashley Fitzgerald.

  • Sounds like an interesting story and I wish you the best of success with it!  The main suggestion that I'd offer is that you consider writing the synopsis/query entirely in present tense. I also agree with the other poster about adding any writing credits that you may have under your belt. Also, you have an additional word in the third paragraph that I don't believe you intended to stay. "But Jessica is hit with a past that < is > continues to haunt her and risks everything she fought so hard to hide."  Lastly, you may want to add the sub-genre of romance to the sentence, "My romance novel, WATCH OVER MY LIFE is complete at 90,000 words." 

    Best of luck to you! 

  • I like queries that get right to the action, so good start for me.  At the end with your agent personalization I assume you will put where you found the agent and why you are a good fit.  Also do you have any published works or anything of significance to mention - might be nice to mention it after you put in the word count.  Cupid's Literary Connection just did a query/first 250 words contest.  The winners are posted and I have been looking at those queries as a model for my own.  These are queries that agents bid on.  Check it out:  http://cupidslitconnection.blogspot.com/

  • Hi Laura,

    Your book sounds interesting!

    The first paragraph (or sentence) you might want to mention how you stumbled across his/her name and why you thought they'd represent your type of story.


    Then maybe a blurb about your story, and the next paragraph about you and what else you've written or intend to write.

    All of your identifiers should be on there, so the agent knows how to reach you by email, website (if applicable) and phone.


    That's all I've got. Maybe others know more.