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While I was dusting off the final touches to my speech entitled, “Protect American Pizzerias From Sharia Law — Now and Forever,” to be delivered at tomorrow’s “Tea Party Clogged Colonic Association”… imagine my shock and awe when I received the news that I had upset Governor Rick Perry in Florida. I want to be perfectly clear. I have no recollection of this occurrence. Besides, I was at the airport making sure underage illegal aliens had properly steamed our official “Eliminate Corporate Taxes” made in Honduras campaign shirts.


While I stand by any statements I may have made that might have caused offense to Chris Matthews, chicks, blacks, gays, Muslims, circus performers, Morgan Freeman, Chinese, parade goers, labor unions, Iranians, Kenyans, negroes, pet-lovers, poor people, Congressional Black Caucus, Marxists, the left wing liberal media and foreigners like Barack Obama, I am truly sorry for any upset I may have caused to Gov. Rick Perry. Heck! Without a wink of sleep, he’s already executed 234 Negroes this year, so I know how temperamental he can be. This is not a bad thing, necessarily. Without a wink of sleep, I decided that my administration will eliminate the mandatory minimum wage. Frankly, I think the American people are ready to trust corporate America and the federal government. My commitment to the U.S. Constitution and the freedom of religion guaranteed by it is as firm as when I fired my pretty-boy Treasurer for playing Village People music at the campaign office.


Again, I apologize for upsetting Gov. Perry and I look forward to sharing my 'common sense solutions' across this country and look forward to spending more time with Florida Jews. ‘Cause as I told the Iranians, you mess with Israel, and I got a Texas electric chair with your name on it.” So Gov. Rick and I gots some business to do. The fact that Gov. Perry is upset is a sign that Newt Gingrich’s waistline is growing and that the 2,657 seniors who voted for me in the straw poll loved my "catching cancer" story. But little do the Golden Girls realize that they could never afford to go to my doctors. In the immortal words of Prophet Donna Summer, “I works hard for my money. So hard for it honey. I works hard for the money, so you better treat me right."