Query Feedback Requested - Stormland
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Hi everyone!

 

I'm new to She Writes, and am looking for feedback on the latest version of my query.  Thank you for your help!

 

-Sharon

 

I read in an interview that you like (x), so I hope you will enjoy my 70,000 word upper young adult science fiction novel, STORMLAND

 

Every girl in the Republic dreams of having a life like Lena Lowell’s—a skyrocketing career as a pop idol, a charmed life in Capital City, and a boyfriend who is the heir to the most powerful political dynasty in the nation.  Lena wishes happiness was that simple, but it was her boyfriend’s father who dropped the bomb that destroyed her homeland of Stormland, and the nightmares about the fire in the sky don’t look they’re ever going away.   

 

Lena’s life is shattered when faces from her nightmares show up on live news.  The Wilde family, the superhuman aristocrats of Stormland and the Republic’s most feared enemies, are not as extinct as people thought. Their return brings the threat of war along with a handsome and reckless young Wilde who is drawn to Lena.

 

Swept up in political intrigue and a dangerous love triangle, Lena quickly finds herself in over her head, buffeted between powerful rulers whose schemes were set in motion before she was born. Is Lena just a pawn in their game—or is she a wild card, whose unique vision and courage will disrupt the centuries-long cycle of violence? All will be decided in the ruins of Stormland, where Lena will make a choice that will determine the fate of two nations locked on a collision course for war.

 

STORMLAND was a runner-up in the Made of Awesome blog contest judged by agent Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates and I have been published in small press magazines such as Nerve Cowboy and Nomad’s Choir

 

At your request, I would be pleased to send you more of STORMLAND.  Thank you for your consideration.

 

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Replies
  • Sharon,

    Hi. Here are my two cents from battling with this same thing for months now and from all I've read about query letters on various agent blogs.

    Don't say 'fiction novel'. I've read on so many agent blogs that this can be grounds for immediate rejection.

    'Lena wishes happiness was that simple,but (It) it was her boyfriend’s father who dropped the bomb that destroyed her homeland of Stormland, and the nightmares about the fire in the sky don’t look they’re ever going away.'  Are they Lena's actual nightmares or is that a way to say things are really bad after the bomb was dropped?

    'Lena’s life is shattered when faces from her nightmares show up on live news.  The Wilde family, the superhuman aristocrats of Stormland and the Republic’s most feared enemies, are not as extinct as people thought. Their return brings the threat of war along with a handsome and reckless young Wilde who is drawn to Lena.'

    I don't understand the connection between the faces from Lena's nightmares being on the news and the Wilde family returning. Where from? Why were they ever gone?

    'Swept up in political intrigue and a dangerous love triangle, Lena quickly finds herself in over her head, buffeted between powerful rulers whose schemes were set in motion before she was born. Is Lena just a pawn in their game—or is she a wild card, whose unique vision and courage will disrupt the centuries-long cycle of violence? All will be decided in the ruins of Stormland, where Lena will make a choice that will determine the fate of two nations locked on a collision course for war.'

    This is the crux of the story. I would start with this I think. And I've been critiqued and told not to use rhetorical questions. I like the 'ruins of Stormland' and 'collision course for war' those are powerful and active phrases.

    I read an article on Nathan Bransford's website that suggested writing a one sentence, a one paragraph and a two paragraph summary. The article is here. I did it and it really helped with my focus. Someone also suggested reading the NY Times Book Review's one sentence summaries to get an idea of how clean to cut it. The example for Kate Morton's The Secret Keeper was shocking in its simplicity but it still held the idea of the story.

    Nathan Bransford also has a writing advice database that is wonderful and has helped me to make some more sense of this part of the writing process.

    Forget the 'At your request part....' and just say thank you for your time and consideration.


    I like the idea of the book. Good luck.


    Aidan

  • I like that you've started out with personalizing it and I think some agents will too. Some like you to start right in summarizing and some like a softer start. Just make sure you read up enough on their blogs/interviews enough to know who likes what.

    Also, I've always read that questions in query letters isn't very welcome. You could reword so that it looks as though the MC is posing the question more to herself rather than the agent. That's really the only thing I'd change other than your missing word that others have already pointed out.

    I'd read a story like this. Sounds great.

  • Hi Jennifer, 

     

    Thanks for the feedback!!  You make a really good point of the lack of connection with the "faces".  I will take another look at it with your suggestions in mind.

     

    Thanks again!

  • Thank you for the encouragement.  I was hoping to get some positive feedback.  I've already put my query through the wringer on Agent Query Connect and wanted a fresh perspective to make sure I was really on the right track.

     

    Just curious, what makes you say that I shouldn't include the name of the agent judge?  I know we obviously shouldn't include names of agents who have rejected us or anything, but I'm not sure what rule you're referring to here.  Teach me something new!  :)

  • Thank you, Michelle!  It's crazy how many times you can read something and not notice it's missing word.  Great catch!
  • Hi Sharon,

     

    I really like your query. There are two spots that made me pause. The last sentence of the first paragraph, starting with "but it was..." and the first sentence of the second paragraph.

     

    In the first paragraph, last sentence, I realize a word is missing, but I think you could rework it so its more succinct.

     

    In the second paragraph, first sentence, I don't totally make the connection between faces and the previous paragraph, it made me stop and ask what faces. I think because you previously talk about "fire in the sky" in the nightmare.  Maybe you could make the connection between those two sentences stronger.

     

    Good Luck sounds like a great story.

  • Wow, great query. I'm sure there are some nits to be picked but I'll leave that to others.

     

    Oh, aside from this one thing: Don't name the agents who were judges; in fact, don't mention them at all. Just say Stormland was a runner-up in the Made of Awesome contest and you have been published in magazines such as xxxxxxx.

  • I really like this.  The story is intriquing, the query has action.  It's very good.

    One correction :  the fire in the sky don’t look   ( like    as if )  they’re ever going away.

    It's missing a word