Query Attempt: The Ferryman and The Flame
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Hey!

 

So I finally got back to adding up all your comments and revising this baby until it's something I want! I am sticking with the longer version because that's what I'm comfortable with. That being said, I have taken out some of the clutter that was there and reworked some sentences so they're more accurate to the plot. It's a pain when you can write an awesome query letter that gives a lot of hype, but is based on technicalities in the plot. There's no sense in reaching if you can't deliver the goods in the long run, so here's another attempt!

 

Dear Agent,

The boy that follows death meets the girl that could destroy the world in THE FERRYMAN AND THE FLAME, a 107,000 word high fantasy/paranormal romance for YA.

 

Krishani thinks he’s doomed until he meets Kaliel, the one girl on the island of Avristar that isn’t afraid of him. She’s unlike any girl he’s ever met, she swims with merfolk, talks to trees and blooms flowers with her touch. What he doesn’t know is that Kaliel is a flame, one of nine individually hand crafted weapons, hidden in the body of a seemingly harmless girl.

 

Nobody has fallen in love with a flame until now. She becomes Krishani’s refuge from the dreams of death and the weather abilities he can’t control. Striking down thousand year old trees with lightning isn’t something he tries to do, it just happens. When the Ferryman dies, Krishani knows that he’s the next and that a lifetime of following death is his destiny.

 

And she can’t come with him. The Valtanyana are hunting the flames, the safest place for her is Avristar. Krishani can’t bear to leave her, and one innocent mistake grants the Valtanyana access to their mystical island. They’re coming for her, and they won’t stop until every last living creature on Avristar is dead. Kaliel has to choose, hide, face them, or awaken the flame and potentially destroy herself in the process of saving everyone she loves.

 

This is my first novel, one that blends the otherworld with the archetypes of the ferrymen and the violet flame from eastern and greek mythology. I am actively working on the second and third books in this series. If you would like to see more of THE FERRYMAN AND THE FLAME, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. 



Namaste,
Rhiannon Paille
0
Replies
  •  

    See? This is why I'm glad I came to She Writes. When this is all over, and I actually begin querying in July, if it's successful it'll be because of you ladies who have been awesome in making me look more professional than I actually am.

     

    Namaste,

    Rhi

  • I agree with Jennifer: You can slip in the series reference where you mention you're working on the second and third books, just popping in the title of the series as she suggests.

     

    I suggest two other changes to that closing paragraph. (1) Eliminate the entire second sentence. You already told the agent what genre the book is in the first paragraph, and adding two more genres just confuses the issue. As well, agents aren't interested in books they can't sell, and mixed-genre novels are the hardest. Agents need to know who they can pitch a storyline to, and where a book might fall in the marketplace; hence, they need to understand the essential category. Throwing 'em all in drops your chances for success. (2) Delete "actively" from the second to last line -- if you're working on the next two books, then we can assume this is an active state. By including the adverb, you're signaling to the agent that you haven't learned how to write lean and clean yet. (And by not capitalizing "Greek" and "Eastern" in line one, you're signaling that your letter hasn't been proofread. You can get away with the lower-case in "eastern" but lower-case "g" in "Greek" is a honker.) That will drop your chances, too.

  • Hi Rhi,

     

    You could slip it in this sentence "I'm actively working on the second and third books in the LEGEND OF THE FERRYMAN series.

     

    Good luck with your query!

  • Hey Ladies,

     

    So now comes the big question. How do I incorporate a series title in my query letter? I allude to it being a series, the series title is LEGEND OF THE FERRYMAN, where do I put that?

     

    Dear Agent,

    The boy who follows death meets the girl who could destroy the world in FLAME OF SURRENDER, a 107,000 word paranormal romance/high fantasy for YA.

     

    Krishani thinks he’s doomed until he meets Kaliel, the one girl on the island of Avristar who isn’t afraid of him. She’s unlike the other girls, she swims with merfolk, talks to trees and blooms flowers with her touch. What he doesn’t know is that she’s a flame, one of nine individually hand crafted weapons, hidden in the body of a seemingly harmless girl.

     

    Nobody has fallen in love with a flame until now. She becomes Krishani’s refuge from the dreams of death and the weather abilities he can’t control. Striking down thousand year old trees with lightning isn’t something he tries to do, it just happens. When the Ferryman dies, Krishani knows that he’s the next and that a lifetime of following death is his destiny.

     

    And Kaliel can’t come with him. The Valtanyana are hunting the flames, the safest place for her is Avristar. Krishani can’t bear to leave her, and one innocent mistake grants the Valtanyana access to their mystical island. They’re coming for Kaliel, and they won’t stop until every last living creature on Avristar is dead. She has to choose, hide, face them, or awaken the flame and potentially destroy herself.

     

    This is my first novel, one that blends the otherworld with the archetypes of the ferrymen and the violet flame from eastern and greek mythology. It’s a paranormal romance mixed with a dystopian high fantasy setting with hints of steampunk and urban fantasy. I’m actively working on the second and third books in the series. If you would like to see more of FLAME OF SURRENDER, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. 

     

    Namaste,

    Rhi

     

    Also, I just want to say that you've all been amazingly helpful, so thank you so much!

  • Hi Rhiannon,

     

    I like it! I do have a few minor comments:

     

    In "She becomes Kirshani's refuge..." I would replace She with Kaliel. I would also do the same in "And she can't come..." and in "They're coming for her...." It might make the name thing a little easier to follow. Because I did find myself rereading a bit to make sure I knew who you were talking about. Maybe you could change one of the Ks to a C. I know a lot of K names have C spellings also. I am assuming you picked their names for the meanings or references to mythology.

     

    Great job! 

  • With a few choice changes, subtle, but effective?

     

    The boy who follows death meets the girl who could destroy the world in THE FERRYMAN AND THE FLAME, a 107,000 word high fantasy/paranormal romance for YA.

     

    Krishani thinks he’s doomed until he meets Kaliel, the one girl on the island of Avristar who isn’t afraid of him. She’s unlike any girl he’s ever met, she swims with merfolk, talks to trees and blooms flowers with her touch. What he doesn’t know is that she’s a flame, one of nine individually hand crafted weapons, hidden in the body of a seemingly harmless girl.

     

    Nobody has fallen in love with a flame until now. She becomes Krishani’s refuge from the dreams of death and the weather abilities he can’t control. Striking down thousand year old trees with lightning isn’t something he tries to do, it just happens. When the Ferryman dies, Krishani knows that he’s the next and that a lifetime of following death is his destiny.

     

    And she can’t come with him. The Valtanyana are hunting the flames, the safest place for her is Avristar. Krishani can’t bear to leave her, and one innocent mistake grants the Valtanyana access to their mystical island. They’re coming for her, and they won’t stop until every last living creature on Avristar is dead. She has to choose, hide, face them, or awaken the flame and potentially destroy herself.

     

    This is my first novel, one that blends the otherworld with the archetypes of the ferrymen and the violet flame from eastern and greek mythology. I am actively working on the second and third books in this series. If you would like to see more of THE FERRYMAN AND THE FLAME, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. 



    Namaste,
    Rhiannon Paille

  • Nice rework! Much more compelling.

     

    I recommend changing certain uses of "that" to "who" -- e.g., "The boy who follows death meets the girl who could destroy the world" and "the one girl on the island of Avristar who isn’t afraid of him."

     

    I also suggest changing one of their names. People tend to read in chunks, and having both lead character names begin with K, have 3 syllables, and contain a's and i's allows them to be easily confused. An agent will be scanning the query at top speed. I read it at medium speed and had to back up twice to understand which character you were talking about.

     

    Silly nitpicks, perhaps, but these are sometimes the kinds of things that make the difference between rejection and a request for more. Remember your audience -- jaded pros who reads hundreds of queries a week. Be sure to polish up your punctuation before submitting, because that can bite you, too.