Another query approach . . .
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Hey All!

So I took the other post down because I needed to go back to the drawing board. Here's another version based on some of the comments I received. Critique away, but please be constructive!

 

Dear Agent,

The boy that dreams of death meets the girl that could destroy the world in THE FERRYMAN AND THE FLAME, a 107,000 word high fantasy/paranormal romance for YA.

 

Krishani thinks he’s doomed until he meets Kaliel, the one girl on the island of Avristar that isn’t afraid of him. She swims with merfolk, talks to trees and blooms flowers with her touch. She’s unlike any girl he’s ever met and not because of her white hair and green eyes. Kaliel is a flame, one of nine individually hand crafted weapons. In the body of an innocent girl she’s seemingly harmless, but strip away her limbs, her heart, her eyes, and she becomes a force of unnatural destruction.

 

Nobody has fallen in love with a flame until now. She becomes Krishani’s refuge from the dreams of death and the weather manipulation abilities he can’t control. Striking down thousand year old trees with lightning isn’t something he tries to do, it just happens. The mysteries surrounding his abilities and his heritage mount when the Ferryman dies and he becomes the next. An infinity of following death in the Lands of Men is all Krishani has to look forward to.

 

He has no choice, if he goes; he’ll never be with Kaliel again. With the Valtanyana on the hunt for the flames, anywhere but Avristar is too dangerous for her. That is of course, before Krishani betrays the land and accidentally grants the Valtanyana access to their mystical island. They’re coming for her, and they won’t stop until every last living creature on Avristar is dead.

 

This is my first novel, one that blends the otherworld with the archetypes of the ferrymen and the violet flame from eastern and greek mythology. I am actively working on the second and third books in this series. If you would like to see more of THE FERRYMAN AND THE FLAME, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript.  

 

Namaste,

Rhiannon Paille

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Replies
  • Rhiannon, I think your opening is intriguing. For me, dreaming about death and destroying the world are compelling phrases, yet you bring simplicity in nicely with a "boy" and a "girl," giving it a sense of innocence, too. I like that. Nice:)

    Fantasy is not a genre I'm familiar with, I get lost in the world-building part of the stories. However, it is evident in your letter that you are passionate about your work, and most imaginative with plot, characters and title.

    The others have given you some fantastic suggestions, and you've got a compelling query already, so I'll just add my support and cheer in a job well done!

  • As far as length is concerned, my personal opinion is, Whatever you can fit on a page in 12-point type, single space, with standard margins. Times/Times New Roman is both a standard font and the smallest face, so you can fit more words than with any other and still be in 12-pt.

     

    More than one page, you've moved into a synopsis.

  • Don't sweat the word count, just be sure every word counts!  Har!  It's okay.  You can punch me now!  That seems unhelpful (and so very cliche), but it rings true.  Your query isn't necessarily too long, but it could use that little extra focus and direction that will move it to the top of the pile.  I like Sarah's advice to focus on what everyone has responded positively to and follow those threads.

  • You are SO right that often the "successful" ones are longish, even the ones posted on agent sites that proclaim that yours should be short!  'Tis true, and confusing.

    Let's see what advice you've been given that doesn't conflict: everyone has responded well to the ferryman mythology.  That's a strong thread.  Also, we all want to know something about the character's personalities, but there is no consensus (yet!) on how to achieve that.

    You'll get there!

    S.

  • True, there is so much contradicting information out there, and on here too.  Is it too short or too long?  Should you divulge this or that?

    The only true rule that we should live by is the hell with the rules and just write whatever you think will catch the agents attenion.  If it's 500 words they had better all count, if it is 10 words they had better be the best 10 words you can come up with.

    The scariest thing to me is that eventually one has to give up rewriting and just send it out with a prayer.

  • Thanks guys for your awesome responses! I will have something when I digest all of this, I get it shorter, but then was also looking at a site with a lot of "successful" query letters and ALL of them were rather long! So I don't know! That came from the agents that accepted the clients too! Hrm . . .

  • I haven't read the first query, so my comments are strictly based on this one.  First, I must say that the story is intriguing to me.  That is saying a great deal because I'm not normally a high fantasy fan.  I think I'm most interested by the weaving of the classic archetypes and mythology into the modern high fantasy story.  

     

    I agree with a few others that this needs to be trimmed.  It feels long for a query.  A few places I thought you might shave:

     

    In the second paragraph, perhaps you don't need to tell us about the swimming with merfolk stuff?  Perhaps her existence as a flame is enough to set her apart from the other girls?

     

    And could you say, Kaliel is a flame, one of nine individually hand crafted weapons, hidden in the body of a seemingly harmless girl?  And then refrain from ripping her to shreds in the query.  I get she's deadly without the last bit of that sentence.

     

    In the third paragraph, the weather manipulating abilities feels like a mouthful to me.  I think it is enough to tell us he dreams of the dead and has abilities he doesn't understand.  The following sentence (which is my favorite in the whole query) then shows us those abilities.

     

    Again in that paragraph you might tighten it by just telling us that when the ferryman dies, he's doomed to take over.

    Instead of: The mysteries surrounding his abilities and his heritage mount when the Ferryman dies and he becomes the next. An infinity of following death in the Lands of Men is all Krishani has to look forward to.

     

    Try: When the Ferryman dies, Krishani becomes the next, destined to an infinity of following death.

     

    I agree with Sarah about the next paragraph - very rushed and too much information.  Could you leave out the part where Krishani goofs and tips the bad guys off as to where Kaliel is?  Let that be a shocker for when the agent reads the full?  Allude to the breach that means she isn't safe on Avristar anymore.  Something like:

    He has no choice; he’ll never be with Kaliel again. With the Valtanyana on the hunt for the flames, Avristar should be the safest place for Kaleil, until the land is betrayed. 

     

    As for the last sentence, it seems to melodramatic and leaves your main characters out.  Feels like there should be a way to tie it all back together with Krishani's new job as the ferryman of death.  Like he just can't bear to ferry that many souls or the thought of carrying Kaliel to death's door is haunting him or something along those lines.  

     

    I hope some of my suggestions help.  They are just suggestions though  - stuff I felt I didn't need in a short query.  I must say I'll go to bed tonight wondering what will happen to your characters so you've definitely got something good going on here!

     

     

  • I liked your first query, but this one adds depth to the characters and story. For the me the first paragraph works great, however, instead of body parts, maybe you could use attributes of the innocent girl, like her wide eyed wonder, or sweet smile.

    The second paragraph is good but I want Krishani's description to be as intense as the girl's. And to know why she is his refuge.

    The third paragraph I want to be more like your first query less description and more of that cliff hanger feeling. I know you didn't put this part in the last query, but I really liked the way it left me feeling. Wanting more.

    I know my comments are pretty general statements, But I hope they help.

    Also, I like the way you changed the ending of the letter.

    On another note: I read the query to my 16 year old son and he really liked it.  And that is definitely your audience, at least in the long run.

  • And I shall be the voice of both agreement and disagreement! (Can you tell that I'm a Pisces?)

     

    I think this new version is hugely improved and compelling. I also think it needs to be trimmed a bit back down. You've got all the right elements, though -- the challenge now is to polish. Contact me off-list and I'll be happy to do a demo version to illustrate what I mean. Unless you'd like me to do one publicly on the forum?

  • I have to be the voice of dissent and say that I preferred this query's sleeker cousin.  Note: I'm just one person, and others may disagree.

    I find the sentence which begins "An infinity of following death" to be confusing.  And then immediately afterward, the paragraph that begins "he has no choice" is where I feel that the letter crosses over into hurried summary.  And that particular beast -- hurried summary -- haunts every query writer.  Your job is to vanquish it with the twin weapons of Enticement and Specificity.

    Also, I'm chewing over the expanded explanation of the girl with white hair and green eyes.  To feel the pull of your hero's impossible choice, I have to buy their romance, right?  But the sentence about stripping away her limbs, heart and eyes quickly supplants the romantic ideas with a pretty gory image.  I'm struggling to think of a way to balance your need to make that romance seem real and your need to show the darker potential of the book.

    Still thinking...

    S.