Hi! So I'm not much of an expert on queries, but I read a lot of QueryShark (http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ --I highly recommend it), and have written a few of my own. The first thing I noticed with yours is that "in the land of" is cliche. As for the end of the first paragraph...hm I don't know it just feels kind of awkward...you switch from a questioning tone to something that's half a question to the last sentence which just doesn't seem to fit...I think the "while" throws it off there. Overall, though, the query has me interested :)
In the land of the Tan and Smooth, why would admittedly pasty and chubby Charlotte make a public play for the homecoming king?...If Miki is so committed to getting Dex out of her life, why does she let him kidnap her one night?...What could possibly provoke Meghan to ever consider making out with Fatty Matty?...What exactly is a “birth control malfunction,” Sheryl wonders, as she’s rushed to the emergency room....while Courtney’s boyfriend has made a sex tape, practically a form of courtship these days—only it’s not with her.
Based on my experiences growing up and later teaching high school English in Boringtown, Rhode Island, Big, Fat, Broken Hearts is a 45,000 word collection of ten short stories featuring young women going through various rites of passage, high school style.
I’ve published young adult short stories on Amazon’s Shorts, in an anthology entitled Bound Is The Bewitching Lilith, and in the journal Balancing The Tides. I recently completed my MFA in Writing for Young People from Pine Manor College.
Thank you for your consideration. I’ve included the first fifty pages of the manuscript and a SASE. I look forward to your reply.
Seventeen-year old Avikar thought he was rescuing his sister from bandits, not a reptilian Lord planning his race’s annihilation.
When Avikar’s sister, Jeslyn, disappears, he throws his pitchfork aside and chases after her. He lost his brother due to his own negligence; he can’t bear to lose another sibling. In order to find her, though, he must take on an unlikely ally—the man who kidnapped her.
The trail leads to the fabled land of Tarrtainya, Eden—a place flowing with mystical poppies and humans of exquisite features. A reptilian named, Lucino, rules this hidden paradise and has kept it secret while his brethren infiltrate through a magical gate inside. To keep up his human appearance, he needs a human bride, and Jeslyn is the unfortunate girl.
Upon entering Eden, Avikar encounters a feisty thief whose deep chocolate eyes and full lips scramble his thinking. Together, they attempt a daring rescue, only to discover that Jeslyn has fallen in love with the beast.
Evil spreads through the regions in the form of a fanatic serpent-cult, enshrouding everything in darkness. Someone has to stop it. Avikar knows that someone is him, but he must first face the truth about his brother’s death. If he can’t defeat the fear and guilt inside himself, he’ll never be able to save his sister, or his home.
BROKEN FOREST: A KEENING BLADE NOVEL is a complete 61,000 word YA FANTASY about mistakes, grief and redemption. This is a stand-alone novel, with series potential.
I currently live in Ronkonkoma, NY. I have a BS in Visual Communications, a diploma in Writing for Children’s literature, and every story I’ve written since the fourth grade (which I take out for moments of inspiration). I’m also a member of SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
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Hi! So I'm not much of an expert on queries, but I read a lot of QueryShark (http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ --I highly recommend it), and have written a few of my own. The first thing I noticed with yours is that "in the land of" is cliche. As for the end of the first paragraph...hm I don't know it just feels kind of awkward...you switch from a questioning tone to something that's half a question to the last sentence which just doesn't seem to fit...I think the "while" throws it off there. Overall, though, the query has me interested :)
In the land of the Tan and Smooth, why would admittedly pasty and chubby Charlotte make a public play for the homecoming king?...If Miki is so committed to getting Dex out of her life, why does she let him kidnap her one night?...What could possibly provoke Meghan to ever consider making out with Fatty Matty?...What exactly is a “birth control malfunction,” Sheryl wonders, as she’s rushed to the emergency room....while Courtney’s boyfriend has made a sex tape, practically a form of courtship these days—only it’s not with her.
Based on my experiences growing up and later teaching high school English in Boringtown, Rhode Island, Big, Fat, Broken Hearts is a 45,000 word collection of ten short stories featuring young women going through various rites of passage, high school style.
I’ve published young adult short stories on Amazon’s Shorts, in an anthology entitled Bound Is The Bewitching Lilith, and in the journal Balancing The Tides. I recently completed my MFA in Writing for Young People from Pine Manor College.
Thank you for your consideration. I’ve included the first fifty pages of the manuscript and a SASE. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Hannah Goodman
I guess I'll go first! Here's mine!
Dear ____:
Seventeen-year old Avikar thought he was rescuing his sister from bandits, not a reptilian Lord planning his race’s annihilation.
When Avikar’s sister, Jeslyn, disappears, he throws his pitchfork aside and chases after her. He lost his brother due to his own negligence; he can’t bear to lose another sibling. In order to find her, though, he must take on an unlikely ally—the man who kidnapped her.
The trail leads to the fabled land of Tarrtainya, Eden—a place flowing with mystical poppies and humans of exquisite features. A reptilian named, Lucino, rules this hidden paradise and has kept it secret while his brethren infiltrate through a magical gate inside. To keep up his human appearance, he needs a human bride, and Jeslyn is the unfortunate girl.
Upon entering Eden, Avikar encounters a feisty thief whose deep chocolate eyes and full lips scramble his thinking. Together, they attempt a daring rescue, only to discover that Jeslyn has fallen in love with the beast.
Evil spreads through the regions in the form of a fanatic serpent-cult, enshrouding everything in darkness. Someone has to stop it. Avikar knows that someone is him, but he must first face the truth about his brother’s death. If he can’t defeat the fear and guilt inside himself, he’ll never be able to save his sister, or his home.
BROKEN FOREST: A KEENING BLADE NOVEL is a complete 61,000 word YA FANTASY about mistakes, grief and redemption. This is a stand-alone novel, with series potential.
I currently live in Ronkonkoma, NY. I have a BS in Visual Communications, a diploma in Writing for Children’s literature, and every story I’ve written since the fourth grade (which I take out for moments of inspiration). I’m also a member of SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,