Groups / Query Critique / I think it's getting...
Happy Friday everyone! Thank you so much for all of your wonderful advice thus far. With this one I feel like I am on a better track...Hope ya'll feel the same!!!
I just put in the body!!
Thank you again. This means so much.
Amanda
I have always believed there is a Silver lining in all things. It is what was beneath, that was so horrific.
On the morning of my ninth Birthday, my grandfather died. That was my first life altering experience, during this terrible family crisis, my father picked us up after school and drove us out into the middle of nowhere. He pulled into the drive way of the scariest house I had ever seen, with the promise of food on his return. He left us there with no power, no water, and the food didn’t come.
For the longest time, I blamed my Father’s crazy behavior on this haunted house that we now called home, this is where he started raping me.
Then we moved, and I knew better, at an age to young to endure such abuses. I created my Black box, it was a place inside myself where I could keep the secrets of the ugliness of my life. It was the only way for me to keep up the appearance, of living a normal happy life.
Living in the suburbs of small town, Canada, such ugly things were not discussed and if they were, the victim was always somehow to blame. All of my life, I carried the guilt of the things that were forced upon me.
In the unearthing of The Secrets Of The Black Box, there is hope, survival and triumph of spirit.
Building slightly on Stacey's suggestions the following sentence feels awkward to me:
Perhaps:
He left us with no power and no water. The food never came.
This seems like an extremely powerful story for you. I'm not versed in memoir queries, but I believe that with non-fiction it is important to show that you have an established platform to help launch the book. If you have some connections that would support this, I believe it goes in your bio section. Perhaps someone else here can clarify (or plain old call me out if I'm wrong on this because I'm not sure).
With correcting a few issues the ladies already have addressed here, I think this is one power-packed query. I think you've come a heck of a long way with it!
I'm confused, what is the title? I thought it was Beneath the Silver Lining??? I must have made that up! Lol!
Is the first line below part of your query or is it something you were telling us at SheWrites. If so both the "s" in silver and the "l" in lining must be capitalized or small, I don't know which one, but they both need to be the same.
"I have always believed there is a Silver lining in all things. It is what was beneath, that was so horrific."
On the morning of my ninth Birthday, my grandfather died. That was my first life altering experience, during this terrible family crisis, my father picked us up after school and drove us out into the middle of nowhere. He pulled into the drive way (is one word) of the scariest house I had ever seen, with the promise of food on his return. He left us there with no power, no water, and the food didn’t come.
Okay in reading that I got the impression he left you in the driveway and went into the house promising to come back with food, but then I read the next paragraph and "we now called home" and "he started raping me", which gave me the impression that I was wrong before, he didn't leave you in the driveway when he went inside. But that doesn't make sense because you said "He left us there with no power, no water, and the food didn't come" So now I am really confused if he left you there, then who is the "he" who raped you?
"Then we moved, and I knew better, at an age to young to endure such abuses." What is this sentence suppose to mean? This statement indicated that at some age one isn't too young to endure such abuses, are you trying to say that?
I still don't see why your story is different, unless the house really was haunted.
Michelle
Amanda, great to see this grow. I think Sarah makes (as usual) some spot on points, which I too would consider if this were my query. Depending on how much you want to reveal is obviously your choice. As for myself, I find it easier to cut and paste when suggesting changes, so that's what I did here. Looking forward to where you go with it.
Dear Blah blah,
On the morning of my ninth birthday my grandfather died. That was my first life altering experience. During this terrible family crisis, my father picked us up after school and drove us out into the middle of nowhere. He pulled into the driveway of the scariest house I had ever seen, with the promise of food on his return. He left us there with no power, no water, and the food didn’t come.
For the longest time, I blamed my father’s crazy behavior on this haunted house that we now called home. This is where he started raping me.
Then we moved, and I knew better, at an age too young to endure such abuses. I created my black box, a place inside myself where I could keep the ugly secrets of my life. It was the only way for me to keep up the appearance of living a normal, happy life.
Living in the suburbs of small town, Canada, such ugly things were not discussed and if they were, the victim was always somehow to blame. All my life, I carried the guilt of what was forced upon me.
In my 133,000 word memoir, The Secrets Of The Black Box, I grapple with the dark truth until I find the light of hope, survival, and triumph of spirit in its telling.
The manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Wow. This is now a very powerful query. You have set the scene, and it's very forceful. The first real paragraph "On the morning... food didn't come" is totally a winner.
Now, I'm hesitant to make more suggestions, because this is your story to tell, and how you feel about revealing it is all tied up with the query, isn't it? This isn't quite the same as writing a query for a novel. Fiction sure feels personal to the writer, although your story is on another level entirely.
That said, If it were me, I'd probably try to meld the next bit like this:
For the longest time I blamed my father's crazy behavior--and what came next was far worse--on that haunted house that we now called home. I created my Black box... ...normal happy life. [THEN proceed with last two short grafs].
I suggest this change for two reasons: 1) the sentence that begins "Then we moved" is not a clear sentence. I'm not sure what's going on there and 2) Since you just brought your reader to a very scary place (well done!) you should actually pull back just a tad. Show the agent that you know well enough to modulate the tone of a narrative, and that if she requests your manuscript, she won't be quaking in terror every minute. (Just some of them.)
Does that make any sense at all? My version removes the word "rape" from the query, and only suggests it (with a confirmation in the last lines when you mention blaming the victim). That might feel utterly wrong to you, and if so, you should promptly ignore my advice. My way might feel too prudish to you.
But Amanda--well done. This has so much more power than your previous version.