Groups / Query Critique / YA Contemporary Fiction...
I'd love some feedback on this query. It's been rewritten so many times I can no longer count. I think I'm now just rewriting it so I don't every have to send it in. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Charles Mortimer Hanson is the Czar of the Dweebs at The Brighton School of Mathematics and Science, where overachieving is the norm and Mathletes are worshipped like jocks. Brighton students adhere to two principles:
1. Excel in all things math and science.
2. Eliminate the English teacher.
Charlie’s got the first one under control. He's a math genius, at the top of his senior class. Getting into the MIT Spring Math Conference will be easier than fooling his lame little sister. He's confident this will be his best year ever. He figures why not take it upon himself to lead the rebellion against the new English teacher? It will be as easy as Linear Algebra.
Unfortunately for Charlie, there are too many unknown variables when people are part of the equation. The new teacher proves to be impossible to drive away. And what's worse is that in learning about his enemy's weaknesses, he stumbles on quite a few of his own (like his complete jackassedness). Charlie ensnares himself in a mess of broken angels, curvaceous best friends, sisters that are not exactly what they seem, and a struggle for life that is lost before it is begun.
UNKNOWN VARIALBES is a 63,000 completed young adult contemporary fiction novel. It will be my debut novel. I believe it satisfies your interest in smart boy books with girl appeal due to its male point-of-view and strong female secondary characters.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Included are the first ten pages. I would be happy to send the entire manuscript at your request. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks, Michelle for your kind words of encouragement and for finding that fragment. Charlie's thinking tends to be fragmented. Writing the query means unlearning all his bad habits in order to write a professional letter. I'm so thankful to everyone's help and keen editorial eyes on this.
Thanks, She Writes members!
HEY! I like this graf. But I think you take it too far. Read it to yourself with this as the last words: "only to discover that victory kind of sucks."
And I'd leave in the part about cancer--that's where you show how his growth is going to happen. Therefore you can cut the sentence and the end that tells it!
Shannon, what a fantastic plot you have! I think with what the other ladies have given you, your already unique and catchy query will be top notch!
I love the mathematical lingo you use throughout the letter, "variables," "equation" and so on...great idea not only putting Charlie's personality into the letter, but also the theme of math! Did I miss a hint of science in the query somewhere?
I can also tell from the query that Charlie has a few flaws, like most teens. He obviously learns better looking at the last line of your latest revision. Good job with that!
Let us know how it goes!
So here's the painful paragraph again. What do you all think?
Unfortunately for Charlie, there are too many unknown variables when people are part of the equation. The new teacher proves to be impossible to drive away, probably because she’s just as stubborn as Charlie. And what's worse is that in learning about his enemy's weaknesses (a younger sister with cancer) he stumbles on quite a few of his own. Charlie lands the final blow, only to discover that victory kind of sucks. He must chase after the teacher to make amends. In doing so, he hopes that given the right variables, even he can become a better man.
Very much, thanks. I especially like the way you phrase the last two paragraphs. Very professional, whereas I feel a little like I'm begging. Thanks for that!
Hi - very inviting story and swell job presenting it. A few things stand out to me:
- the part you're not sure about (last para following letter) is blurry, unlike the rest of query. What's a broken angel? Struggles with curvy girl - how come? Sisters are never what they seem - who is - in what way? Don't drown here because this is ancillary matter to the query, not primary. Your last line here rocks. The others are not yet specific enough, is my take.
-"contemporary" sounds redundant when describing the novel. We've just read the presentation of a contemporary story. In fact, I suggest tightening up the last part (and then I'll add my comments on the first part):
UNKNOWN VARIABLES (**check for typos**) is a 63,000 word young adult novel. I hope it suits your interest in smart boy books with girl appeal thanks to Charlie's point-of-view and the strong female secondary characters who play essential roles in the plot.
Included are the first ten pages for your consideration. The entire manuscript is available at your request.
Thank you,
your name
Now to the top:
-Is "Czar of the Dweebs" an entity in the book? Otherwise: "czar of the dweebs"
-Tighter as one line: "He's so confident that he takes it upon himself to lead the rebellion against the new English teacher. A teacher who wants them to read poetry and write essays about feelings and crap like that."
"...English teacher, who threatens their grade point average by way wilting poetry and demanding sappy essays." --- i.e., active.
-any dweeb teen's gonna have jackass qualities. While it may fit beautifully for him to say this about himself in the book, it lands weakly here. I'd lose it. Let the concept of him confronting his weaknesses be a tease in the query.
Hope this helps!