Part 4: Women Are Not Rehabilitation Centers for Broken Men I’ve heard many Black Men profess, “I want a ride or die.” What exactly does this mean? Well, the original phrase was a biker’s term, which meant, if you couldn’t ride, you’d rather die. Now, it has evolved to mean, anyone you date or have a relationship with that will “ride” any problems out with you or “die” trying. Let that marinate. On the surface it sounds so innocent, so sweet, so endearing sort of like wedding vows, “…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, through sickness and in health.…” And I truly believe that if you’re going to enter a covenant “an agreement” or “a contract” with a person then you should be willing to “ride” with them during trying times. In all honesty, a relationship with anyone has ups and downs. However, I find too often some men are looking for women to be “ride or die,” meanwhile they are consistently raining a shit storm on a woman’s parade. I posted a quote last week on Facebook, “You are not required to be anyone’s peace if all they bring you is chaos.” Don’t you feel you deserve better? And this goes for anyone in your life not just dating relationships, but any relationship. However, let’s focus on this topic for now. Dudes be like, I want a woman to go half on all the bills, have my kids, take care of them, do all the cooking, cleaning. I wanna still be able to sleep with other women or you know have a few indiscretions here and there. She better not ask no questions or I’ll cuss her out, leave. Then I’ll just come back when I realize how good I had it and she needs to take me back because…she’s said she was ride or die. Oh yeah, she better not be messing with no other dudes because…that’s some bull ish. Huh??? Confused face, deep sigh. This is exactly what some men’s definition of ride or die is. Again, “You are not required to be anyone’s peace if all they have to offer is chaos.” So when guys present you with ye ole hook and bait phase, make sure you ask questions as to what that entails. About four years ago, I stumbled across Derrick Jaxn’s Facebook page. I listened to this brother speak on the topic, “Women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men.” I was like wow! A guy speaking on this and with such sincerity and a high level of emotional intelligence. And, honestly, I’m happily married, so his message really wasn’t for me. However, whenever I hear a good word, I make sure to listen carefully because every message you receive isn’t always for you…sometimes it’s for you to pass along to someone else. What this topic means to me is, the whole proverbial “ride or die” mentality, is only as good as the two parties entering the agreement. For instance, my husband and I have been married for 12 years. Not everyday has been a walk in a park…I laughed this morning because I literally said to myself, “There are days when I just want to cuddle and love on him like crazy and there are moments when I can crack him upside the head with a skillet.” Of course, I wouldn’t do that. I said all that to say, if every day, he had women calling his cellphone, he wasn’t coming home some nights until the next morning smelling like another woman, making babies outside of our marriage, which means unprotected sex and endangering my life and his…how could I be expected to ride through that while being the dutiful wife? I’m sorry, I’m not about to do all that. I went through that in my first marriage and I said to myself, “NEVER WILL I EVER PUT UP WITH NO ISH LIKE THAT AGAIN!” Ride or die for what son? It’s the sheer hypocrisy and audacity for me… I mean, how can you vocalize the scenario I described to yourself out loud and be like, “Yeah, so we doing this or nah?” Rolls eyes, tosses hair, “That’s a negative. But thank you though, take care now, bye-bye then.” If you are not ready to be in a monogamous relationship, present those facts up front. You should not expect loyalty if that’s not what you’re offering. If your father wasn’t around and you never really learned how to be in a healthy functional relationship, then invest funds in talking to qualified professionals that can help you work through your issues so you can be ready for a “ride or die” when she comes along. It’s not the 1950s. No woman should have to meet you halfway on all the bills and still do ALL the cooking, cleaning, rearing of the children and administering of home affairs. Meanwhile, all you’re doing is going half on the bills. If you want her to meet you halfway, then you also have to find a way to meet her halfway on the household duties. If you say you want a woman to walk in her feminine energy. Then allow her space to do that. Stop requiring so much…always asking what are you bringing to the table meanwhile, some of these dudes don’t even have a damn table. I said. What I said. When you enter into a relationship with someone. It’s like entering an agreement and all agreements have terms and conditions. Does this mean you have to be perfect? No. No one is perfect. Yet, at the same time, you should not be engaging in activities that violate the contract on the regular. Everyday, I go to work and my intentions are to do the best job I can. Yet, there are times when I miss things…it’s not often, but hey, I do. But I’m never just going to work looking to make mistakes all the time. If I do, I would imagine my supervisor would have a talk with me and eventually send me on my way. Ride or die doesn’t mean: doormat, slave, pushover. What it means is, two people coming together and weathering storms and coming up where the other falls short. Such as a partner getting sick and the other having to step up to do more until the other gets better Dealing with the loss of a loved one, being an emotional support system Financial woes…overcoming debt and building wealth Dealing with familial issues such as children or parents that have mental or substance abuse problems. Basically, it can encompass a myriad of things, but it doesn’t involve one person shouldering the entire responsibility of keeping a relationship afloat while having their heart broken time and time again. That does not sound appealing. That’s why I say, “Ride or die for what son?” Remember, if you need time to work on yourself before stepping into someone’s life, take time to work on you.