“Hearing him talk about his mother, about his intact family, makes my chest hurt for a second, like someone pierced it with a needle.”
― Veronica Roth
The thing about Mother’s Day is everyone’s relationship with their mother is in our face. Our nose is rubbed in “intact relationships” and it can hurt to know that we don’t have that. When we feel fragile we sometimes do things that aren’t in our, or other people’s best interests. Sending a Mother’s Day card can be one of those things. Just because you feel the impulse to buy a card and send it, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea.
While no one can tell you whether it’s a good idea to send or not; it’s your decision, and you are the one who has to live the consequences of it, here are some things you could think about:
1. Who initiated the estrangement? If it was you, your gesture will likely be viewed as an invitation or signal a desire to reconnect. Are you open to that? Move to considering #2.
If it was your mother’s decision, you need to ask if sending a card is opening yourself for further rejection. I often hear people who have elected to estrange say that they feel uninvited connection is disrespectful, or manipulative, a way of refusing to acknowledge their wishes. Move to considering #3.
2. What’s your motive? Are you building a bridge? Inviting connection? Or are you feeling guilty, some sort of obligation? Maybe you don’t know what you want, but you do know that you still love and care about your mom. Building a bridge is a good reason, letting our mom know that despite everything, we still care, is a good reason. Guilt and obligation are not good reasons.
3. How’s your resilience? If the card came back unopened…if your mother doesn’t acknowledge you sent it, if nothing changes, or if an argument ensues – are you prepared to deal with it? What’s your plan?
4. If your mother gets your card and invites connection, are you prepared to accept it? If you aren’t ready to connect, aren’t ready to speak, aren’t ready to repair, then think carefully about opening doors and hijacking your mother’s feelings. Building hope and expectation and then dashing them the day after Mother’s day is unkind at best, and down right mean at worst.
5. Is sending a card congruent with your feelings? If you are angry, resentful, thinking and expecting the worst, are itching for a fight or trying to make her feel guilty…don’t send a card. Go back to #2 and check your motives.
6. How will you sign your card? Your answer will tell you much about whether you are ready to buy a card and send it.
7. Can you suspend your story for long enough to imagine what your mother’s experience might be, to empathise with her? Can you give without expectation? Or are you giving to receive? If so what is it you’re hoping to gain? Does your mother have a track record of giving you what you want? If not go back to #3 and carefully consider your resilience.
8. If you’re really unsure of the answer, should I, shouldn’t I? Now is probably not the time. Mother’s day is not the only day you can reconnect with your mother. Another day might have less pressure tied to it.
If you’re not sure if it’s a good idea today, give yourself the gift of time to decide if it is a good idea a week or a month from now, when you’ve had time to think it through, time to come to a place of clear decision.
We don’t have to act from a place of urgency, we can take time to get clear. The card you send may not be a “Mother’s Day” card, but it may be a card that is more heartfelt, more meaningful for having taken time to think carefully before you send it.
