For almost three years now, I felt something tugging at my conscious mind…I would down play the uncomfortable half good /half bad feeling and chalk it up to some lack of confidence in myself, for not having a well developed plan as to where my life was headed upon leaving this secure place. I really tried hard not to think about what I would do with myself when I return to life – out in the world. I asked myself everyday, “What will you do when you leave the sanctity of this convent- God’s safe house”? Before coming to this clean point of my existence, I realized that I had forgotten how to lead a normal life and just deal with life on life’s terms. There are people living without the use of drugs. Nevertheless, I was an addictive personality and could not stop the life threatening behavior; on my own. You see, I had long since lost the will to live…I was a disappointment to ALL; my family, friends and most of all to myself. I had always been my worst critic. Hell, I had always been my worst enemy and almost three years ago; I just wanted to die. Not only was I alone and unsure of MYSELF, I was afraid of letting God down. I had let Him down so many times before. However, God did not see things my way. He had confidence in me because HE knew that my heart was NEW. I just had not realized it yet. Hence, God’s blessings began to manifest themselves from within me. After one of those Saturday afternoon NA meetings at the center, an irresistible urge came over me and I had this pressing desire to write again. My Bachelor’s Degree was in Journalism from Roosevelt University of Chicago in 1993 and I have attended SEVERAL colleges in the state of Illinois. I have been published many, many times nationally and my work is all through the internet; however, writing was something I had not attempted to do for over seven years. In addition to that, I could not believe how easy it was. When I began to write, the subject content flowed, creativity took over and I was amazed. Immediately I started to write about my life experiences. However, I never thought that one of my first writings in 2009, would be about one particular relationship of my life some twenty years ago. One special experience, which I began at the age of fourteen. This relationship had been lying dormant in the back of my heart and mind for some twenty-two years. I have thought it was over it and I believed that I had suppressed it. I realize now, that it was an unresolved issue remaining hidden in my subconscious and I have never forgiven myself for the outcome. There were moments through the years, when I would think about the two of us were together and then push his memory way down deep and out of sight. I suppose that I did not want to deal with the pain that surfaced along with his memory. Our relationship remained hidden from the world for quite a long time. From age fourteen to age, thirty and we would rekindle it every two or three years during that time. The very last time we were together, the meeting became extremely intense and neither one of us wanted to pull away. He thought that I did not know that he had gotten married. Therefore, I allowed him to continue thinking I was naive and alone in the world, waiting for his touch and his touch alone. The very last rendezvous we had lasted two months. During those two months I remember thinking …we had to end this finally. However, I KNEW this was no ordinary love. Every time he would leave my arms, I would hurt so severely, from somewhere DEEP in my soul. I never allowed him to see that side of me. He had always thought I was SO hard-core and able to turn my emotions on and off at will. Boy was he wrong. There were also times when I could feel the love in his touch, see it in his eyes, in the intensity of his kisses and when we cuddled. It was wonderful. Moreover, just like me, when he found himself allowing too much feeling to show he would draw back. I knew why but I never said anything. When we were together, I could get LOST in him. Yes, I had found my everything, my holy grail; the person I SHOULD have married YEARS before this rendezvous; yet I knew I would have to be the one to stop what we were doing. The last conversation we had some twenty years ago was that, “We had to do something”. I knew what he meant, but I pretended that I did not and when he left for work the next day; I packed up and left his apartment. Tears streaming down my face, I could hardly breathe. I remember feeling faint and as if my heart was going to JUMP out of my chest. I wanted to go back to his apartment so badly and act as though I had never tried to leave, however I knew it was for HIS own good. His inner person was so sweet and caring. I needed that in my life. Whenever he would look at me, I thought that I would melt. The stroke of his hand on my cheek would send my SOUL reeling and my little heart pounding. I wanted to bottle him up and keep him on a shelf until a time where I would pour him out and allow him to love me, the way I needed to be loved. I remember being so confused and not knowing WHAT to do next; yet I left the building that day…never to see him again…”So I Thought”. Whenever thoughts of the two of us would emerge…I would suppress them and turn my sights to some other event. Of course, I had gotten to be a pro at this, yet today I know that, the heart will find away to present itself to you, when you’re not ready for the “PRESENTATION”. Trust me when I tell you this…”The Heart Will Find A Way”. PART TWO I began gathering material for my life story, researching names, events, deaths, marriages etc…A song came over the radio. “With A Dozen Roses by Monica & Curtis Mayfield”. In addition, while listening to their song, I rationalized with myself to look him up. I thought I just wanted to see how his life was going. Somewhere deep within I also knew he would be overwhelmed to hear my voice. After all both our lives had changed…I was sure of that. I wrote and he called the number I enclosed. I responded to his call but he was not home so I left a message. Of course he called several times until he got me to the phone. As soon as I heard his voice, I became excited…excited to see his face…to talk about old times and see how he had changed over the years. That is all I wanted to do. You see, I was gathering material for my up-coming novel. He informed me that he was going into the hospital to have surgery. My heart dropped…I did not want GOD to let anything harm him. I made it a date to come to the hospital and visit the day after the surgery. Yes, I went to see how he was doing. When I entered the room, he was sleeping. All the way up on the elevator; I was rehearsing what I would say. Now I stood there motionless in his room, quietly looking down on him; something inside me was trying to get me to leave back out the door. I was thinking that he would never know that I had been there but I was also compelled to stay. I wanted to stay. Suddenly I realized that I LOVED him and wanted to care for him for the rest of his life. From a young girl I had REALLY been in love with him. When we were both young, this boy (man) had been vital to interacting with my family. I come from a single parent home and my mother always loved him. This was the only young man allowed to come to our house and visit me. Mother was very strict about that sort of thing. My sister and I were “NEVER” allowed male visitors. However, sometimes we would meet up at the park or I would go to see him play league ball. I enjoyed being with him. There had always been something special between us. Many times he would talk to me about elevating my self-esteem and being a GOOD GIRL. It was apparent that he saw goodness in me when I was being a rebellious not promiscuous; young girl. I can not recall him ever raising his voice at me…not ever. And after all these years of not seeing him, I could “FEEL DEEP” love flowing from me to him. Yet, I could never tell him that. So, I kept standing there, looking down on him. He shivered a little in his sleep and I pulled the covers up over his shoulders. I could not recall ever seeing him looking so helpless. I made up my mind to leave…something told me to stay and I walked back over to kiss him on the cheek. As I leaned over his bed; his eyes opened and he smiled at me. I now believe he was awake all the time and wanted to see what I would do. The first words out of his mouth were ”You really showed up”. Those familiar soft brown twinkling eyes were gazing happily into mine. All of a sudden I felt a warm tremor run all over my body. I stood there speechless. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. So I said nothing. Then he said very quietly…”I tried to get back with you for almost thirty years”. I mustered up the energy to reply;”Yes, how well do I remember”. Inside I was hoping that he did not stretch out his arms to hug me. I just knew he would feel everything that I was feeling at that moment, as soon as his arms engulfed me. But he reached out to hug me and I was hesitant. :What’s wrong don’t you trust yourself to just give me a greeting hug”? I stared at him for a brief moment and then I smiled and leaned over to hug him. I must tell you that the feel of his arms around me felt so GOOD. Then it happened…He quickly kissed me full on the lips. His mouth was so warm and inviting. I almost forgot where I was and who HE was. Immediately, I jerked back from his face and bumped my head. I was so embarrassed. He quickly reached for me to see if my head was okay. Then he laughed…we both laughed. “Wow was I that bad”? Of course not I replied chuckling, “It was a shock”. He smiled at me and sat up in the bed. I remember hoping he would not pursue this strand of conversation. I changed the subject, walked away from his bed and began asking questions about how his life had been. While I was chattering happily about the course of my life and pacing back & forth; I noticed from the corner of my eye how attentive he was to my every word and there was a proud wide smile on his lips. This look of adoration coming from his twinkling wonderful eyes, made me kind a shy and girl-like…”What’s wrong”? I asked shyly. He leaned over on one elbow and his face lit up. “I was just thinking about how wonderful you look and how much you have changed, you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of having in my life”. I felt myself becoming very warm, so I stood up, walked to the window and kept my back to him. I tried to sound as lighthearted as I could when I replied,” I thank you for noticing and I must say, that you have changed as well”. I made sure he could not see the smile on my face or hear it come from my heart. I remained friendly and polite. Actually, I wanted to jump on his bed and RAM my tongue down his throat. However, I kept my composure. The atmosphere in his room was that of calm and love. It felt so wonderful, yet I knew it would not be something I could take to heart. I mustered up the confidence, turned to him and leaned back on the window sill for support. “You look so great to me right now, I am so grateful to God for allowing us this second chance to meet and greet each other. I was not aware until right now, how much I have missed you”. He smiled at me with a sheepish grin and said, ”Are you sure that is what you really wanted to say to me…why did you leave me”? His question shocked me. I had to take a moment to think of an answer. By now, he was sitting up in bed. I stared at him for what seemed like an eternity and slowly, replied cautiously, ”Because I LOVED you too much”.