Eileen Flanagan’s new book The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change--and When to Let Go is all about serenity, that inexplicable feeling we have once in a blue moon of being at peace and harmony. You know, that feeling we have when life just fits, when we’re not locked in struggle, or feeling lost and overwhelmed. Her youtube video on serenity in daily life is a must-see. (Click here to watch it) The Wisdom to Know the Difference is about what to do when life doesn’t feel so harmonious, and when we’re confused about how to make a positive change. It takes its inspiration from the classic Serenity Prayer, and when Tarcher Press/Random House published Wisdom this fall, it came with an endorsement by the Dalai Lama (among others). Many more ordinary mortals are regular readers of Eileen Flanagan’s blog Imperfect Serenity . She is the author, also, of Listen With Your Heart: Seeking the Sacred in Romantic Love (Warner, 1999), and is a popular speaker and workshop leader in faith communities, including her own Quaker community. For more information on Eileen and her writing, see her website www.eileenflanagan.com. Without further ado, then, my five questions for Eileen Flanagan about her life passions, whether caretaking gets in the way of writing or inspires writing or both, the deal with writing smart self-help books, and what it really takes to cultivate the Wisdom to Know the Difference. --- Miriam Peskowitz, Author of The Daring Book for Girls 1. The Wisdom to Know the Difference is partly about figuring out what you’re called to do and how you can make a difference. Why did you feel called to write this book? The idea came to me when I was pregnant with my first child, thirteen years ago. I thought of so many situations where people need the wisdom to know the difference between what they can and cannot change—as the Serenity Prayer puts it. At the time, I wrote an article on how that idea applied to pregnancy and health care, but the idea lingered that someday I should write a book on how people can live with serenity, courage, and wisdom amid every day challenges. One of the ways you can tell a calling from a whim is that a calling keeps coming back, which is what happened with this idea. Six months after my mother died, the idea returned so strongly. One day, suddenly, I stopped at a store for a notebook and wrote a ten-page outline on the spot. By then, my children were a bit older, and I was pretty much done handling my mother’s estate. It just seemed clear that it was time to write this book. 2. Okay, let’s talk about self-help books. Wisdom to Know the Difference weaves big questions about religion, psychology, self-help, and politics with personal stories that everyone can relate to—not just your own experiences, but those of the fascinating people you interviewed. Your book is so lovely to read and so focused on making our daily lives better (I love the queries at the end of each chapter). It’s also really smart. How do you feel about such a smart book being classified as self-help? What’s up with this? Is there a new smart self-help genre on the horizon? I like the idea of helping people to help themselves. That’s really what motivates my writing. I don’t give people simplistic answers, but tools to help them find the answers that work for them. There are lots of smart books that get classified as self-help, either because they don’t quite fit anywhere else or because that’s where their publishers think they will sell best. These books don’t always get the respect they deserve (or the serious reviews), but since my book is partly about letting go of little frustrations, I try not to dwell on that. 3. Often caretaking is what stops us from writing, and I know that’s why there were ten years between your last book and this one. Yet our experiences of caring for others can also be really powerful and thought-provoking. How has caring for your children and your mother (and especially, caring for her as she died) influenced you as a writer? There were moments (maybe years) when it felt like caretaking got in the way of writing, though in hindsight I see it differently. Caretaking has been undervalued in our culture, but it is a great spiritual training ground. Part of my work is about claiming everyday experiences and relating them to the bigger, more universal concepts that have mostly been written about by men (and often, written about very abstractly). I think you can learn a lot about the wisdom to know the difference by dealing with a kid with head lice, but most spiritual books haven’t delved into that. Watching someone die gives you a different outlook on life, which I think has only enriched my writing. 4. The essential message of your book is to change the things you can and accept the things you can’t. Have you had to follow your own advice in dealing with the publishing industry? Absolutely! First, I needed the courage to change agents when I realized that my old agent wasn’t helping me grow as a professional writer. That was a scary step, but absolutely essential to my current success. In some ways, the whole process of writing, sending out a proposal, and then promoting your work requires courage. But there's also a lot to accept. We’re in a recession, and the publishing industry is in trouble. I was given a wonderful publicist, but not a big publicity budget. So like many authors, I’m doing what I can to put my message out there, and accepting that I haven’t gotten on TV yet or made anyone’s bestseller list. I’m definitely trying to focus on the things that are in my control and not stress out about the things that aren’t. 5. Eileen, I know you are also forging a career as a public speaker. What is the relationship between giving talks and writing for you? I’ve really loved the speaking part of the book tour! I’ve discovered that it’s all about conveying ideas in ways that people can relate to. The fun part about public speaking is that you get immediate feedback. You can hear people laugh or see them nod. And sometimes you get to hear how they connect to your work in surprising ways. At one event, I read a part of the book where a woman I interviewed said that getting laid off turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to her. A woman in the audience came up afterward and said with a big smile that she related to the story because that was how she felt about her husband leaving her. Giving talks and leading workshops is also renewing my motivation to write. In one weekend workshop, I invited participants to share a story of a time they found courage in themselves. That session went about an hour and half and had most the group in tears by the end. Ordinary people can be so amazing! It made me want to keep sharing people’s stories.