Dear WebMD, Hey, how are you guys doing? Great, great. Oh, me? Yeah, I'm fine. FINE. Get it? FINE. You're not going to believe this, but it turns out that I don't actually have any of the diseases you've suggested. Shocker, huh? Yeah. Thought so. Anyway, I've given it some thought, and I'm going to have to ask you to stop scaring the crap out of people. There. I said it. I mean, come on. Have you heard about the recession? The war in Iraq? Global warming, with the icebergs and the polar bears and everything? People have enough to worry about. We don't need you making it any worse. Understand? You know, for me, a visit to your site always starts innocently enough. A pain. A twitch. Too many headaches. And then there I am, late at night, watching Chelsea Lately and chatting it up on Facebook when the thought takes shape. "Oh--that thing that's been bothering me. Why not look it up on WebMD?" Seems reasonable. And on the outside, I seem reasonable, too. But on the inside, I am steeling myself for whatever affliction your nameless, faceless, virtual "MD" is about to bestow upon me. Oh, I know looking stuff up on your site cannot actually give me, say, diverticulitis, whatever that is, but you telling me I have it will make me believe I have it, and isn't perception reality anyway? Just last week, in fact, you diagnosed my stiff finger as rheumatoid arthritis. I thought about that Enbrel commercial. Enable. Enbrel. My stomach turned. Another symptom? Perhaps. A few days into my...what should we call it? Faux-thritis? Yes. A few days into my faux-thritis, anxiety got the better of me, and I shared my 'diagnosis' with a friend. I will admit, it was secretly comforting to learn that she had 'diagnosed' herself with Parkinson's just the week before. And later, after cancelling plans with another friend so I could see an actual doctor about my virtual arthritis, that friend informed me that thanks to the wonders of the internet, she had recently 'diagnosed' herself with fibromyalgia. This after last summer's 'brain tumor' turned out to be just a headache after all. Have I mentioned that we're all 35??? Now, I understand that the information you make available to the public is very helpful to some. I will admit that. I am actually quite reasonable when I am not contemplating the possibility that buttoning a shirt is about to become such a feat for me that next time I do it, someone will want to make a commercial about it. But I have to believe that at this point, you're scaring the shit out of way more people than you're actually helping. Fortunately, WebMD, I have some thoughts about how you can use your powers for good instead of evil. First, let's agree that from now on, people with actual, substantiated medical conditions (as confirmed by actual, human doctors) can make full and complete use of the medical information you have compiled. As for the rest of us, we're banned. And of course, nobody is allowed on after 11pm. I mean, everyone knows that's just asking for trouble. For the rest of us, perhaps a more lighthearted spinoff site would be best. How does Magic8BallMD strike you? Users can ask yes/no questions such as "Will my sore middle finger heal itself?" and answers like "Signs point to yes" or "Outlook good" or even the more sobering "Don't count on it" could pop up. That's much less scary. Then somewhere on the page you could have links to relevant specialists. You know, just in case. Feel free to use that one. I think it's got legs. Anyway, WebMD, I'm off the sauce. No longer will I look up the rashes, bumps, aches, pains strange sounds, strange tastes, eye twitches and so forth that afflict my husband, my children myself or anyone else I know. Instead I'm just going to assume we're all pretty much okay unless there's a good reason to believe otherwise. In which case I will see a doctor. My cousin Judi said "If something's wrong, it will let you know." And I'm more comfortable with thinking that she's right than I am with trying on each and every possibility. That said, I am still glad you're out there. But look into that 8 Ball thing. I'm telling you, it could be big! Thanks, and best regards, Robyn