You've given me much to think about, all of you who stopped to read and write for just a minute - passing your individual wisdom, at least a tiny bit of it, with me - and for that I truly am blessed.

More than likely I will have many more thoughts about what you've written but I would like to address one or two right now.

Cheryl, you mention that we should not worry, whatever happens a brighter day will come along.  But you see that is one thing that troubles me: the uncertainty of what lies beyond the last day.   I realize that has been my history, and yours, so of course it comes to mind that no matter how brutal the day or time, at the end we can contemplate that tomorrow might be better.   But one day there will be no "next day" to soothe our troubled minds and restless souls.    That has always been my reward, at least in summer, one of my favorite things, to relax and leave the day behind and listen to the birds,  the tinkle of the ice cubes in my glass of tea, the wind, all the myriad sounds of a summer day to soothe me and help me to forget and rejoice "I made it".   What about the last day, the final journey is a very momentous one and possibly one of the hardest things we will ever have to do.  Giving birth is painful and so may be death too.   Some of us luck out I guess, and slip painlessly away, others are forced to struggle for too long.  There will be no phone call from my son to share our thoughts and day a while, to commiserate, to praise, to laugh, to cry with.   This alone journey frightens me.    I do not get the comfort others always tell me that they do from their religion, of peace and faith.    Instead I find myself full of uncertainty that I do believe had its foundation in my time, my"sentence" spent as a "good" Catholic girl.   Whatever comfort there was to be found in it eludes me which seems ironic really.  For having paid such costly dues, in fairness shouldn't there be an extra share of comfort too?

As I said, I'm sure I will have more thoughts as you've opened some doors and questions and also your faith and hope to explore but for tonight my mind is fried and so its off to do one of my favorite things: CHILL OUT.  I hope you'll all return and share more as time goes by.   And I have been deficient in exploring the many topics others are exploring.  The holidays, thankfully, are over, time to organize and do important things and things I want to do along with the kinds of things all of us are forced to do, like, pay taxes, lol.   Happy thought that.

Anne, so good to hear your words and response. I'm not sure anyone really escapes the human condition eventually. It may appear that some have 'golden' lives and perhaps they do for all I know. But eventually something will happen to break that magic bubble for them. I don't wish it for them, but life being what it is, from all I know and have heard, life has a way of intruding and throwing curve balls, unpleasant curve balls.

Please don't think for a moment that I have it all together or a well-spring of inner strength or hope. Somedays I do, somedays I have nothing at all. Seriously. But I've learned to ride the waves of my emotional tsunami, for that is what it feels like at times. What I have learned though is that nothing lasts, it is always in flux, and if I can just hold on a bit longer, it will be over and a better day will appear.

Funny that you mention you wrestle with your Catholic upbringing as I, too, was raised in strict Cathoclic home. Went to all an girls private high school after Catholic grade school. Hated every minute of it. It was not my choice. How I wrestled with my faith from a very early age, sometimes believing and being devout but mostly doubting. I left the church at the age of 18 consciously because I could not live as a hypocrite. Occasionally I've had guilt over my decision that pops its ugly head up, but rarely thank god. 12 years of Catholic school and catechism classes and one set of grandparents who were holy rolling fanatics is enough to do one in. My father was very devout.

And whatever your secret is or was at the age of seven, I will just say this, my childhood was not pleasant. It was more of a nightmare to be honest and I counted the days until I would grow up and could leave home. Maybe you need to speak to someone to get some of this out of you and into the open. I did, and it helped enormously. To understand where you came from and why you are the way you are is very liberating I discovered. Just a thought.

May the New Year bring great inspiration and good writing, I'm glad you were not alone and that your son surprised you, and I hope you stop 'hiding,' whatever that means, as you are fine, just the way you are and there is nothing ever need be hidden. All the best....

Delete Comment

Cheryl, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your own personal struggle.   You do indeed have a "full plate" of struggles with which to deal.   You mentioned the stuff your daughter is going through and I empathize with that.  I think one of the hardest things mothers are faced with is seeing our children suffer and face challenges to solve problems we cannot cure.  

I suppose there must be a few somewhere who remain untouched by sadness but they are no doubt rare at least in my experience.    For the rest of us expressing our hopes and dreams and pain in writing, I think the ultimate challenge is to prevail over our problems.   Which doesn't mean we always "win" and have things come out the way we'd like, that would be unreal.   prevail I suppose, at this stage of my life, is to stay to face another day.  Some of us seem to have wellsprings of hope, some belief that carries them, which of course requires faith and TRUST.    I think I struggle with that "faith and trust" conundrum.for various reasons.   You seem to have found your source that inspires you even though you face what must feel like mountains sometimes.

I have "issues" with matters of religion which are in large part due to my Catholic upbringing.   I have always been introspective which can be good and bad.   I'm afraid when that trait combined with the rigid (as I was taught them) doctrines of the Catholic Church it has not served me well.  It seems odd to me that someone who spent so many hours focused on religious teaching and practices now lives on the "flip-side" -"hiding".   Afraid to face the source of latent fears half-buried and left to fester.   A "secret day" that changed my life at the young and too-tender age of 7.  No one can ever say that I was unable to keep a secret.   Anyway - I write because I enjoy it, it quiets my scatter-shot thoughts hoping (perhaps that is part of my unseen wellspring) still for an answer.

It's late and I fear I'm not expressing accurately what i want to say but its Christmas and my son surprised me with a visit to spend the night so I will put it all aside for another day and enjoy the gift of not being alone.

Anne, I am sorry for your pain and the trials you are going through at the moment, but you are not alone in your suffering. At our age, and I assume a similarity in age because I have grown children but no grandchildren yet. Perhaps I will never have grandchildren as both my son and daughter are in their 40's, unmarried, with no options in sight. Be thankful for your grandchild and great-granddaughter. My question to you is, why aren't you with your son, your granddaughter and your great granddaughter this Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Is it that your granddaughter lives far away? Too far for you to be included? 

I had to sell my house this past summer, a house I loved and was dear to me. I lost my mother and my uncle, my daughter had surgery for cancer. After her grandmother's funeral she came down with a case of shingles. My son after struggling in Hollywood for the last five years threw in the towel and came back to New York for good. We withstood Hurricane Sandy. During the hurricane, my daughter's upstairs neighbor flooded her apartment with scalding hot water by leaving his hot water taps on when the power was out and then disappeared for the rest of the week. Her apartment is destroyed. It is contaminated with mold, her floors are coming up, her walls are buckling and cracking and her ceilings are coming down. She had to rent a furnished apartment and move out of there. All three parties involved insurance companies say it is not their fault and passing the buck and now she has to sue all of them. She has no money for all of this.

I myself have severe arthritis and need a cane to walk the small distances that I can manage. I've had both hips replaced, need a shoulder and elbow replacement but because I can't move much I've put on way too much weight and have to lose weight before they will operate on me. There isn't a joint in my body not affected and I live in chronic pain but I I changed careers in the past three years, went back to school to get my coaching certification.

I came to writing seriously late in life. You are here because you are a writer. The energy spent on what you call self-pity would be better spent creatively getting your feelings out in whatever genre you write. I can only say this as this is what I do when it all gets to much for me. I turn to poetry and rage at the universe.

I hear your pain, and perhaps it has done some good to share it here. I heard you which is why I am writing to you. Life is hard and harder the older you get. People die, even when you're young. I was widowed when I was thirty-five. You have your dogs. Mine grew too old and were in pain, I had to put them down two years ago and I loved them more than I ever knew. I miss them so.

So this Christmas Eve, I will not be in the country in my great house cooking for twelve or more for my annual Christmas Eve party that had become a tradition with my kids and friends. We used to have so much fun. This year I am in small apartment It's just me and my two children, a little roast and a fake Christmas that fits inside this small apartment. It's the beginning of a new era. Out with the old, in with the new. We are all responsible for the direction we wish our lives to go in. Regret and looking back only means you're not looking forward or living in the moment. I shared part of my story with you because I want you to know we are all part of the human condition. No one is spared. There are good times and sometimes not so good times. But most of all we are here to experience all and make the best of whatever times we are having. I wish you a very good Christmas. May you good health and good cheer in the New Year and here's to better times to come. Make it happen, Anne.

You are welcome. Don't apologize for what you are feeling. I'm about to turn forty next year so I understand about not capturing the brass ring and losing hope. I did not think I would be here where I am right now. In my 20s, I had a plan. I struggle each day with the plan not being fulfilled and I struggle with being negative. You are right about writing: keep getting your feelings and thoughts out. It will help you through this difficult time. Think of your writing as your lifeline, the thing that keeps you moving forward as you heal from your circumstances, grieve over choices you did or did not make, and try to persevere. That is what I am trying to do. Hope you have a merry christmas and I hope your new year brings you peace in your life. :)

Thank you Alexandra for sharing a bit of your life and your feelings with me today.   I'm glad you find strength and solace in your faith.   The thing is that in youth life and love are still a possibility.  I failed to capture the brass ring and the absence of hope overwhelms me.

I am sorry to be in such a very negative frame of mind.   I do not mean to bother anyone else or certainly impress my sorry views on anyone else.  It's just like what you said, our writing is an outlet for our feelings.   And what good are feelings if you can't say them outloud?

I hope you have a merry christmas and bright times ahead and thank you again for sharing a few minutes with me.

Anne I wish you love and peace in your life and circumstances. I understand about life falling apart at the seams because I am experiencing the same thing now. I often think of two things from two writers : Dorothy Parker who said "What fresh hell is this?" and W.S. Merwin who said "Your absence has gone through me/ like thread through a needle./ Everything I do is stitched with its color." Indeed the absence of people, the way things used to be, the structure of our lives are missing. It affects our perception. But we have to find hope and gratitude in what we have left. What keeps me going is the myth of the phoenix ( in addition to my faith). I kno things are falling apart, but they will come back together and I will be much stronger and better because I survived the process. I know writing is helping me alot. I don't know if what I have said has helped but I read your blog and was moved by what you were going through. As my 11th grade English teacher once said, to be a writer you must endure great pain in your life. Our circumstances and experiences enrich and fuel our writing, which in turn, could touch someone's life.