Groups / Query Critique / I'll Have Another Go -...
** I have taken to heart your comments and greatly appreciate each one. I hope I have incorporated them into yet another try at a query for my novel.**
Dear:
Spanning twenty years, Mama’s Shoes is a haunting saga of love and loss, despair and forgiveness. A cadence of female voices weaves a spell of mountain lore and secrets, defines family as more than blood kin, and proves second chances can bring happiness.
It is the summer of 1955 in the little mining town of Coal Valley, and things are about to heat up for Sassy Richardson. Sassy is turning thirteen and has been brought up on a stiff dose of Mama’s lessons on how to be a lady, even though Mama drinks beer, smokes, and dates a myriad of men. Then the day comes when a woman marches into the Cut and Curl Beauty Shop where Sylvia works, and accuses her of trying to steal her husband.
It will take several startling discoveries for Sassy to come to terms with Mama’s own harsh teen years – death; an early marriage; war; childbirth; and a breakdown. Sylvia must make her own discoveries, that even the worst decisions can be rescued and the deepest wounds can be healed if you have the love and support of kith and kin. In many ways Sylvia is the quintessential Appalachian woman of her day, a survivor in an unforgiving world.
I am a lifelong resident of the coalfields of Appalachia, where I teach English and literature. I am a consultant for the University of Virginia's Appalachian Writing Project, an active member of the National Writing Project, the Appalachian Author’s Guild, and networked with Appalachian authors through my study at the Appalachian Writer's Workshop. My work has appeared in numerous publications, including A Cup of Comfort: Dog Lovers II and The Literary Journal of the Virginia Writing Project. I won first and third place in the 2010 Appalachian Author’s Guild Short Story Contest.
Mama’s Shoes is my 103,000-word debut novel. I would be delighted to send the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time.
Rebecca Elswick
I've seen your other versions. I do like this one better, it is a bit more clear. However, like Carolyn, I like graph 2. It is clear, to the point and show us conflict.
As the question was asked, is there more than Sassy and Sylvia narrating? Perhaps what you should do from this point, is start with graph two with a killer beginning sentence.
Graph 1: Have that be Sassy's graph, showing her character, want, conflict.
Graph 2: Sylvia (Mama) I would either use one or the other. This reads above as there are two characters. Or make sure the reader knows they're the same person in the sample sentence below. Make this Sylvia's paragraph, showing character, conflict and want. Maybe you could call her "Mama" in Sassy's graph, but in her's make sure the reader knows that Mama is Sylvia. Such as: All Sylvia needs is a stiff drink and a tall, dark and handsome; this "Mama" stuff is getting real boring or say, for the birds! or some Appalachian saying for this is getting old.
Graph 3 :bio
Graph 4: Use the info you have in your first graph above, combining it with your word-count line and thanks.
Just a few ideas. I think you're almost there!:) Try revising as if you are showing character of each to the agent. Let the words speak of character and personality.
I think this is a strong letter. Your voice is strong. The first , second and forth paragraphs are very good. The second paragraph I would consider starting with the last sentence. I like Sylvia is the quintessential Appalachian woman..... . Less might be more in that paragraph.
Great query.
I didn't see any earlier versions of this, so am responding as a first reader.
Overall impression is: Still needs some work. I'm not clear on whose story this is -- Sassy's or Sylvia's? You suggest it might be both, with the phrase "a cadence of female voices," but that suggests there will be more than two. Revisit your core concept and tell us whether this is a character story (with Sassy or Sylvia the lead), or a place/culture story (about Appalachia during X time period), or something else or an idea story (about second chances, or the importance of family).
The strongest paragraph is number 2, which is a terrific setup. I recommend opening with that. You then back off, switching to a more nebulous "It will take several years for Sassy to..." instead of "Sassy discovers over several years..." followed by a switch to Sylvia without closing the loop to suggest any relationship or conflict between Sassy and Sylvia.
Consider melding your first paragraph into the last one; for instance: "Mama’s Shoes is my 103,000-word debut novel. Spanning twenty years, it explores love and loss, despair and forgiveness, through the stories of [whoever]. Their voices weave a spell of mountain lore and secrets, defining family as more than blood kin, and proving that second chances can bring happiness..."
Remember that an agent wants to be grabbed within 20-30 seconds. Not much time to make an impression! So start with the key characters, conflict, and story elements. Save any summary for last.