I think you lied to me. All you movers and shakers that walked into ways you didn't fully understand and couldn't begin to express. Then you all left me. What I want is for he who is in love with me to hold me like a precious suspended snowflake in his hand. Crush it and it's insides warmly liquefy. It's not that I don't want anyone to "be real" with me. It's that I know it is possible to be treated sweetly most days. I know that because I know God and because He has changed a hard, cold, heart of stone into tender warmth. But I'm still a crazy fool. Working in the light of the shadows and chasing the rainbows Judy Garland sings about. Looking for love in the hills of God and watching his wonders of love in His actions and when He talks to me. He is lovely and amazing and there is no one who can give more mercy than He can. --and we are wretched souls. But this is what I want from him--to love me. And I wonder, how can he ever love me properly without knowing the true love of God? What I know to be love and what he knows to be love will have different capabilities. Not that our love can ever match the love of The Father (God), but knowing how His love is re-defines how we, in turn, also love. I wonder how pure your love can be? It is an experiment I will witness directly for myself. Also----Not to say that humans are incapable of really loving without knowing God--it's just that God's love is the purest definition of real, true love. And without knowing what that feels like--can we truly, really love? I think so. I think perhaps, it is simply (and still in a very complex way) that we can reach a higher, better, and purer kind of love.God is Love. "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8a And if humans are defining love, God help us all. I applaud this situation's timing because I have been wanting to write another blog for quite some time but feel as though I haven't had enough thought for it--for the right one. There is no right one but I certainly have enough thought for it. When I talk to you are you really listening to me? And when the breeze blows, and I sit barefoot in the green grass or down by the rocks near the water--are you watching where my eyes are traveling to? And when all you can have of me is hear my voice can you handle me? Can you listen and know that it's me? Can you listen and now this is the same girl you love to look into? I wonder if you can hear me? Can you hear me? When I said I just wanted someone to talk to--it meant I really want you to hear me too. I want you to hear but I also really want you to contribute. I want you to be fully invested in the present time being spent. --------------------Or alright. Do any of you ever wonder....Maybe I was never meant for anybody. I was made this way for nobody. And the girl everyone thinks is a perfect match is a wrong turn and a mistake passed. I'm just supposed to be a rolling stone alone across the Earth. Looking for a place to rest for a little while, knowing it'll get none. I love you. But I love many people. I love you. But that doesn't mean you have my heart. Could I ever give you my heart? Then you'd mean the world to me... I'd only want to give my heart to someone who is seeking after God and loving Him. Because I know until he understands how my heart belongs to Jesus, he cannot really understand and know my heart. So..can it really ever be his? I think I have so much hope in what should be none of my immediate, personal business. But I want to hug him, hold him and give him that easy feeling he's always looking for. Like he doesn't have to try --like he can stop trying. And if I give that to him...there's always a chance he won't give back. But I'm 99.8% sure he will. I have faith in you and I do not know why. But does "uncommon" make things really and ultimately (in the long term) special? We'll just have to wait and see. For this particular blog entry has no immediate conclusion. We stand waiting and looking for answers to questions like these--ponderings along these lines. .in suspension. But what I do know is: "...let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[b] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[c] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 13We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19We love because he first loved us. 20If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." I John 4:7-21